HEARTFELT TOURIST APPRECIATION

Two years ago a very dear friend who is beyond the reach of Republicans wrote: “Pray as if Thomas, Alito, and Kavanaugh being grievously injured in a car crash depended on God. Bribe their mechanics as if it depended on you.” At the time, he had attributed the statement to Augustine of Hippo, whereas another source asserted that it was actually noted spiritual authority and mentor Clive Bundy. I am, as you would expect, on the fence about either assertion. I am a results-focused man. Who actually said it iz mir scheißegal.

The reason very much of the country is so messed up is partly because y'all were raised on mid-twentieth century middle American cuisine, and it shows.

Example: canned sausage supper

One medium onion, sliced thin.
Half a cup sliced celery.
Two TBS margerine.
Half cup ketchup.
Two TBS water.
Half Tsp. salt.
Half. Tsp. Worcestershire sauce.
Dash pepper.
One four ounce can of those little sausages you bought at the liquor store around the corner at one thirty AM when you were returning home after getting drunk at a sportsbar watching the Philadelphia Eagles getting their ass handed to them on a platter at Rick's Baller Sports Bar (four screens) with the boys. It was all very homo-erotic, you regret that now, and you pray that neither your wife nor the preacher on Sunday ever hear about it.
Two cans (15¼ ounces) macaroni in cheese sauce.

Sauté onion and celery in margerine till soft. Add ketchup and other ingredients except the cans of macaroni, raise to boil, turn low and simmer five minutes. Warm up the macaroni in separate pan, pour into a deep dish. Dump the meat sauce in the centre, and add parsley to garnish. Serves four.

Wash it down with a diet soda, have a frozen pudding dessert afterwards.


Please note that it actually does contain fresh vegetables (onion and celery plus parsley), so it is healthy and good for you and won't plug up your bowels. Even though you ate all of it by yourself while watching Everybody Loves Raymond.

Also please note that I've reproduced the recipe entirely without the brand names that were in the original, because I am not a corporate whore and won't advertise their crappy garbage. Buy all ingredients ethically sourced from small family farms, use real cheese, and replace at least half of the ketchup with Sriracha for better results next morning. Remember, it's full of vitamin C.

This is why half the country looks exactly like Blobbo The Tourist pictured above, as seen on Grant Avenue on his Little Sherman mobility device blocking the sidewalk. And why many of the rest of them have precisely two linked braincells between a family of eight (they take turns using them).

That's two adults, two grandadults, two kids, a dog and a lizard.

Blobbo's previous mobility device is up on cinder blocks in the drive-way of his home in Tennessee, very much like many other residents of his one-storey town have theirs.
Some of them are pick-up trucks with gun racks and offensive bumper stickers.
Silverados and Rams also qualify as mobility devices.


Still, that food above is too much work. Thank the lord for microwavable teevee dinners and instant ramen. So much more convenient! And if you place the microwave on one of those little tables in between the poofy recliner and the couch, you won't even have to get up.
Make modern technology work for you.


As it turns out Texas has more trailer parks than any other state. California comes a close second, proving that we're still as middle-American as they come, and chock full of good old boys too, representing, man, totally. We're just normal folks here despite what Fox News wants you to believe.

Can't put a trailer park in San Francisco. It would slide down hill.
That's probably why all the tourists come here.
Despite our horrible food.


I note, by the way, that Germany and all of Europe lag considerably in mobility device engineering. There must be a reason for that.



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