THEY REALLY LIKE WHITE PEOPLE: CHINESE RESTAURANTS IN SAN FRANCISCO

One thing that often proves to be extremely uncomfortable is when friends and acquaintances ask what my take is on one of their favourite Chinese Restaurants. They know I'm persnickety, as well as an avid cook -- often the only way to get something that absolutely hits the spot is to make it yourself -- and consequently assume that I search the city far and wide for new things to eat on my days off.

Which last is completely not the case.

I distrust Chinese restaurants where no one speaks Cantonese.



左宗棠雞
JO JUNG TONG KAI

Everyone is eating General Tsao's Chicken. There must be some mistake.

"Brown rice, gluten-free, no shrimppaste, low sodium soy; nom nom nom."

Additionally, most Chinese restaurants in the San Francisco Bay Area cater to bourgeois white people, and consequently have limitations on what they can and cannot serve, as well as far too much ambiance, and even, oh horrors, drink lists!

Yeah, I know, I've heard the lecture. There's no earthly reason why authentic Chinese food should not be paired with good wine, nor need great cuisine always be served in a dump. But catering to a demographic the majority of whom hardly ever cook, can't pronounce words, have very limited culinary knowledge coupled with severe hang-ups and fetishes, and are not very adventurous besides (despite their own fond self-images), while it may be highly recommended for health, happiness, and prosperity, does not mean good food. Usually it's passable, except for the high price.

Additionally, whenever I see a sign that says "Hunan" I will automatically assume that that means Guangzhou dockworkers cooking slop with chili peppers, too much garlic, and possibly even table cloths, for white people.
They speak a civilised tongue, which means that they should indeed be trustworthy, but claiming that the food is "Hunanese" is an honest advertisement warning other Cantonese to be cautious.

[A little side track: Cantonese food is relatively simple, but the attention to detail is all in the taste, freshness of ingredients, and satisfaction of other Cantonese speakers, although there are Cantonese people who will constantly return to that nasty place in the middle of Stockton Street, west side, bellyaching about the food after they leave, but going there again and again because despite being noisy and squalid with worse than mediocre chow, it is bustling, quick, and cheap. So MUCH for so little! BUT! Worst damned yautiu ever, nauseating, which I only know because I went there seven times to see if that was what they always did. They do, dammit. I got screwed. I'm sure they buy their chicken parts from an auto repair shop. Haven't been in a while, perhaps I should go again soon to see if it's as horribly unsatisfying but still as inexpensive as I remember.]


The Cantonese are adventurous eaters, but they know that what brings out the best in an ingredient is a light touch. Steaming, simmering, or poaching, with straightforward flavour additions.

Westerners like stirfried or deepfried with gloopy sauce and cashews.

You can see where these two things must contradict each other.

So, what did I think of your favourite restaurant?


"You know, I have never actually eaten there, I just don't explore outside of Chinatown much, we should go together some time, I am keen to try it, please tell me more!"


I probably ate there years ago, and was appalled; no poached chicken or seafood, reheated roast duck they bought ready-made in Chinatown and buggered up on the premises, only two vegetables (Western Broccoli and snow peas), greasy northern muck, their "famous" tan tan noodles where just awful, dried chilies here there and everywhere, overly sweet, and staff speaking some crude barking country dialect of Mandarin, plus it cost way more than I expected to pay, almost certainly because of the table cloths, nice lighting, fancy paint job on the walls, and tacky cultural crap tacked up for decoration and that crucial note of exoticism and authenticity, but I'll be damned if I'll tell you that and bust your bubble.
I know you really like the place.

They have nice table settings.

I'll just make a note never to take you to my favourite dives, but if we ever eat Chinese food together it will be at Yank Sing, which despite the prices and the table cloths has some of the finest dim sum anywhere, and along with R & G Lounge, manages to do great food even with table cloths, stellar service, and a wine list.

If you really want, they can also make Sweet'n Sour Pork and Kung Pao Chicken.


It will be so happy.




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