BEST EASTER EVER

The Easter Bunny lay among the scraps of foil from all the chocolate eggs and placidly burped. This had turned out to be a fine day after all, even though it had started off impossibly grim.

Early in the morning there had been those phone calls threatening to block his funding if he gave Easter Candy to welfare recipients in several American states where the Republicans wanted to punish poor people.
He had first tried to patiently explain that A) he was not part of any Federal food program that their congressional representatives voted on, and B) they should all hush up because their states took far more money from the Federal government than they had contributed in any case.
What with being a bunch of parasitical hosebags.

Then also, his role in the days events was purely secular, couldn't they understand that? He operated entirely without any sort of church sanction, and could not care less what their fundie scum voters thought.
He didn't answer to any religion, so bugger them.
And their hatchet-faced preachers.

Then he simply hung up.


While he distributed chocolate eggs back east, angry food activists and assorted harridans tried to lynch him for distributing sugar and non-green-sourced cocoa, how dare he try to poison them?!?!?

"We demand kale and carrots, insensitive rodent!"

He skipped Kentucky and North Carolina entirely, seeing as those were barbaric and repressive places, populated by zealots and gun nuts likely to shoot at him, and many of them were short on teeth anyway.
Overweight Christian neanderthals don't need candy.

In California, first the Vegans attacked him because eggs are a symbol of oppression, and a bunny distributing such horrid things is just a collaborator, a veritable Uncle Tom. Filthy capitalist!

Then potheads tried to steal all the candy.


Finally, a street person in San Francisco screamed at him because his chocolate eggs were not certified organic, gluten-free, non-gmo, fair trade low fat small-batch artisanal soymilk and hazelnut.

After sexually propositioning him.


"Hey furball, are those made in China?!?"


And at that point, he said "oh f*ck it", and went home.
For the first time in his life, he gorged on chocolate.


No point in leaving ANY for the little turds, anyway, as their insufferable parents seemed determined to spoil the holiday with unrealistic demands and ideas, and their constant whiny, kvetchy, bellyaching, insufferable, petulant, stuck-up, and altogether nauseating and infuriating "my kids are SPECIAL" attitudes.


Sure they are, bitch, they're troll-like no-neck monsters.


Next year, those nasty little brats are getting cigars.


Easter is about sticking things in your mouth.


He lazily stretched out a paw and grabbed another malted milk ball. Hmmm, why had he never thought of eating all the chocolate himself before? This was great. And there was still plenty left.

He still had bunny ears to bite off.




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