THE LEGENDARY HEARTLAND

It's a guarantee that if you're on social media for a few minutes you will see a comment from some slope brow with his pick-up truck on cinders in East Fudgebungus, Iowa, who hates San Francisco and California. Which can be irritating, sure, but just remember that they have no healthcare and are related to the human elephant and the human skunk, inbred kinfolk whom they see every holiday. In East Fudgebungus, Iowa.
Plus they're probably Christians.
That kind of Christian.

On the other hand, if you're reading my blog, you'll encounter nasty remarks about the rest of the country. Much of which is East Fudgebungus, Iowa. They eat grits, cottage cheese, and breaded deep-fried porkloin sandwiches regularly and think that Sriracha is witchcraft.

Plus they've probably got a suspended license and the single lane highway is out for repairs.
Probably a good time to have their pick-up truck on cinders, I guess.

Duck Dynasty and Honey Boo Boo were filmed there.
American cheese country.

I like to think that my social media presence is a welcome breath of fresh air and the best of late twentieth century civilization, after people have been stuck all morning reading the rancid philosophical insights of racist cavemen desperately trying to sell time shares and pyramid schemes in East Fudgebongus, Iowa, which they themselves would escape in a heartbeat, because this year it's their turn to host the family at Thanksgiving and Christmas. The human elephant and the human skunk. Aunt Mabel and Cousin Jimbo. The Sears couch is still saggy from the last time. Something broke.

There is no Sears store there anymore. Nor a Mervyn's. The only thing that hearkens back to simpler times when life was good are a Denny's and a Cracker Barrel, where long haul truckers fight with drunken locals at three in the morning.

If you're willing to drive fifty miles there's an Applebees and an Olive Garden, and a twenty four hour convenience store with White Castle Burgers in the freezer.

People only use twenty letters of the alphabet there.
They count up to three fingers.
Life is simpler.



For a taste of exotic food and fancy foreign cooking they add a sprinkle of dried oregano to their grits, cottage cheese, and breaded deep-fried porkloin sandwich.
They ordered that spice from Amazon.
It's kwee-zeen.



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