WHY PEOPLE TURN INTO ALCOHOLICS

Disturbingly, or maybe perhaps not, I am on my second bottle of Jameson's Irish Whiskey this year. Seeing as I do not consume alcohol, because it might interact adversely with my medication, there is only one explanation: cleaning briar smoking pipes; booze dissolves tarry build-up. I never actually tracked my drinking when I still had a sip now and then, it took anywhere from six to twelve weeks to finish a bottle. This second bottle is still more than half full, so we can assume that present usage is approximately three ounces per month, enough for between three and six pipes.

The two most recent pipe projects at home were a Stanwell and a Canadian of unknown provenance (stamping unreadable). At work, I go through probably much more Frat Boy Party Vodka than that.
I really cannot understand how some of those old fossils get a tarry layer on the outside of their pipes. How are they smoking?

[And how do they get the interiors of their stems and shanks so staggeringly disgusting? Did they really suck through that sewer? Have they NEVER heard of pipe cleaners?]


The bottle is on the kitchen counter. Also there are a sealed fresh package of Harbor Sausage (海港臘腸 'hoi kong laap cheung'), a fuzzy melon (節瓜 'jit gwaa'), a jar of peanuts, and some curry fixings. The bitter melon that was on the counter for three days had to be thrown out. I go through bitter melons and fuzzy melons a lot faster than whiskey, but evenso.
That melon turned on me.


Methinks the old fossils with the filthy pipes would be better off eating melons than smoking their pipes; they are doing it wrong. Pipes are like underpants; if you keep them clean, you make a far better impression, and they last longer. Y'all monumental cheapskates (haven't bought pipe cleaners or cleaned out layers of crap in years!), however never-the-less; one packet of bristly pipe cleaners costs one dollar and forty four cents, a big bottle of Frat Boy Party Vodka (32 ounces) can't be more than ten bucks and is good for several dozen cleanings).
Do the effing math, you filthy beasts!

[Maybe they're all computer engineers? Computer engineers, I've heard, hardly ever change their underwear or do laundry. They don't know how, and nobody will date them anyway.]


Good clean habits may not get the girl of your dreams, but will get you into heaven. Pipe smoking heaven. The teevee is set to I Love Lucy all the time. That's your era, you heathen relics.


Yeah, no, I have never watched I love Lucy. Or any of those 1950's shows. Didn't start watching television until the X-files, stopped after Forever Knight went off the air. Although I have seen all of Monty Python's Flying Circus.
My kind are Monty Python heads.

We don't sing, we compete against blancmanges, we turn into Scotsmen.

And some of us also smoke pipes and own bottles of whiskey.




As it says in Pirkei Avot, the world depends on three things: pipe cleaners, a good reamer, and whiskey. The Irish got it partly right. Except they smoke shitty aromatic tobacco, so they're entirely irredeemable.




Note: blancmange is a quivery British dessert. It is quite utterly revolting, and served in British Public schools. No wonder those brutes went out and raped the world. Harry Potter probably loves it.




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