Thursday, March 15, 2012


A taxi driver recently mentioned office politics and explained it's why he’s glad he works for himself.
That, and the dirty coffee cups in the communal sink in most work places.
I agreed, that was a problem.  My coffee cup is never in the sink.
Because I don't want it to associate with bad company.
It might pick up unfortunate habits.

And what, he wanted to know, did I do?

“I’m a bill collector”

He fell silent. So I clarified that it was business to business, calling up retailers and gently reminding them that they needed to cover balances due OR explain their shortpayments in order to remain in good standing.
Years ago I was the anti-Christ in a manner of speaking, as I did collections for attorneys, now it’s just strictly a manufacturer trying to get payment from distributors and retailers for goods sold.
I do not call up the widow Smith and demand her last ten bucks NOW or we’re repossessing the couch.
Nor will I send a fellow with a limited vocabulary and a baseball bat to visit people.
Clean stuff.  No kneecaps or legs. No body parts by mail. Alas.

Plus forecasting, analysis, and managing percentages of past-dues and bad debt.
A lot of talking augmented by numbers and facts.
Details, follow-up, and a phone.


Today I got a phone call from a foul-mouthed gentleman in Colorado who insisted that I was unprofessional and several ways defective, and that he was absolutely furious about the message I had left on his business answering machine mentioning invoices that needed to be settled.
His employees had heard!
If it weren’t for the fact that he intended to pay the outstanding amount anyway, he would have his lawyer speak to me.
And, he demanded to know, was I familiar with the Fair Credit Reporting Act? Was I?
Well, he was, and he had been a banker, sir, a banker!

In future the ONLY message I was allowed to leave on his office answering machine was my name, company, phone number, and that I wished to speak with him about a matter pertaining to business.
That's it. Nothing else.
Anyway, he's writing cheques this weekend. Our outstanding balance will be taken care of.

After a few more choice remarks, he slammed down the phone.

I'm rather amazed. Are people in Colorado normally hot-tempered dillwads?
Brain-dead unprofessional psychopaths with issues?
I think that's a valid question.

It would explain why Colorado is very high on the rotting corpses in a garbage heap scale of human development, and solidly in the bottom ten of U.S. states as far as standards of living, innovation, job creation, and percentage of people successfully moving out of trailer parks to fleabag residential hotels is concerned.
Less than two percent (2%) of the businesses in my portfolio are there.
Say, where the blazes is this Colorado place anyway?
Does anything good come out of there?

Other than rather ghastly numbers for cancers of the bladder & urinary tract, breast, cervix, colon & rectum, lungs, prostate, and dermis (melanomas).
Along with statistics for marijuana use, use of illicit drugs other than marijuana, cigarettes, and binge drinking among juveniles.

And though I pretended ignorance, I am indeed familiar with the Fair Credit Reporting Act.
It isn't relevant to the matter at hand, as it applies only to consumer debt, NOT business debt, and concerns third party collectors.
It has almost nothing to do with collection efforts on business debts between a supplier and a retailer who has purchased merchandise and will do so again.

I didn't mention any of this, as I'll never meet the gentleman face to face anyway, and his dysfunctionality and mental problems are not my concern. Nor do I particularly care what he thinks of me.

I just want him to take care of the invoices.

At present his company is 87 days late on their first invoice, 75 days late on the second, 61 days late on the third.
First invoice. Second invoice. Third invoice. 
I've called numerous times in the last two months, this is the first time I've heard back.

Truth be told, this is not a way for him to create a stellar impression. If he does send a cheque, his terms will quietly change from net thirty to prepaid sales only. We accept credit cards for such transactions - I'll gladly leave him a message stating that I wish to "speak with him about a matter pertaining to business" - so that he can call me back and give me his credit card number.

Should payment NOT ensue, he'll receive my usual polite final demand letter, and in due course his account will be forwarded to a very thorough collection agency. 

Either way, I'll remain both patient and tolerant. 
If he calls.

I hope he stays in business long enough to fully enjoy the exciting educational effects on society of cancers of the bladder & urinary tract, breast, cervix, colon & rectum, lungs, prostate, and dermis (melanomas) in the great state of Colorado, as well as marijuana use, use of illicit drugs other than marijuana, cigarettes, and binge drinking among juveniles.

I wish him nothing but the best.


Please feel free to forward this to everyone in Colorado who can read. There must be dozens of them, and as the most talented people in the state they probably all run businesses.  They need to know these things; it could improve the chances of Colorado making it past the twentieth century.

NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Colorado is probably (certainly!) the worst state in the union, populated almost entirely by chicken-fuckers or worse. If there is hell on earth, with demons, deviants, and sadistic degeneracy, it is Colorado.

Nothing good comes out of there; their high-school graduates all have syphilis from "phys ed", their politicians are all criminal deviants, and half the population is inbred or besotted.

And they lie, cheat, steal, and rob the elderly, the indigent, and the defenseless orphans.

Total scum.

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