Monday, March 12, 2012


A fellow smoker recently remarked that for some reason a link I had sent him would not get past his puritanical firewall. One word in the title made his computer system reject it, as if it were some kind of toxic spam. 
I had sent him the link months ago, so I couldn’t quite remember which post it was. But as the only posts in which I use "florid" metaphoric language are the ones about aromatic pipe tobaccos, it was obvious that it must have been one of those.

This post then is an attempt to push the envelope without offending his severely Calvinist fire-wall.


No man in his right mind should smoke aromatics. More than anything else they suggest degeneracy and depravity to an appalling degree, as well as the distinct probability of unclean diseases and spanking. Unfortunately many pipe-store employees will gladly take the opportunity to get rid of the garbage that they themselves wouldn’t smoke with a ten-foot pole by unloading it on an unsuspecting virgin.
Some of these blushing innocents never recover. They develop a fondness for brutality, and continue puffing aromatics.

Such as the tobaccos below.
Smoking any one of these is an offense against God, good taste, and your pet cat.

This utterly defies description. It is a predominantly blondish ribbon cut mixture drenched in melon essence, and should remind the civilized smoker of nothing so much as teen prostitutes, possibly male, hooking for drug money. If you thought the girl next door was bad, this proves that you haven’t seen half of it yet.
It is a very high quality product from an excellent company.
Fairly smooth, too.

The topping is pineapple and licorice, what all manly men smell like. Hello Kitty and the floozies of Sodom and Gomorrah. When I was younger I smoked two bowls of this in succession and heaved my guts out on the sidewalk. I'm sure the local church types thought I was a juvenile alcoholic.
Underneath the smell of Parisian bagnio, this is a really lovely quality flake tobacco that renders down to a very fine white ash, if you smoke it slowly. If you don't, the fruit sap will boil into your briar and take the devil to get out. And you'll probably throw up.
Highly recommended.

I have a fondness for this tobacco, but unfortunately it attracts Lesbians.
Not being a Lesbian, that does nothing for me.
Still, very good stuff.

The crown jewel of pornofumic nastiness, the golden tinfoil in the dragon's lair of vile.
There is nothing good that can be said about this.
Somebody dumped sugar in the sewer.
I'm keeping one tin to commit war crimes with.

Precisely what biker bars smell like. Or the cubicles in those video palaces where you can preview bestiality flicks from Europe or documentaries about big swaggering Persians and their chickens.
About which I would know nothing.
I am far too pure and upstanding to ever smoke such monstrosities.
Although I did finish the tin.
Not bad at all.

Suggestions for what you can do in Holland if you aren't into prostitution, disease, and drugs.
The Dutch tolerate a very wide spectrum of odd behaviour.

*      *      *      *      *      *

I usually keep several cans of perfumed leaf on hand because I like ghosting a pipe occasionally.
It's also something to smoke when reading Bertrice Small or Julie Garwood.

At some future time I will pen my thoughts about Troost, Flying Dutchman, Captain Black, and several Danish products. Ideas from readers about other candidates for reviewing will be happily accepted.

There are still a few pipes I haven't ruined yet.

I have no cat.


NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.


SnoopyTheGoon said...

Dunno, I adore the smell of many kinds of pipe tobacco - while it is not used (I mean for its chief purpose). When pipe smoker fires his thing up, though, it tends to destroy the initial enjoyment...

And I am a smoker myself, I have to add.

The back of the hill said...

Snoopy, I am so glad that you aren't an attractive young lady (no offense).

And I hope that no attractive young ladies get any ideas from your comment..... unless it is an unquenchable urge to smell (my) fine pipe tobacco fully lit.
In the spirit of scientific inquiry, of course.

The back of the hill said...

Hello? Are there any nice young incendiaristas out there? Hello?

Sweety, I've got matches and a bowl.
Call me.

Arno said...

The rotten thing about letting young attractive girls smell nice aromatic tobacco is that they then almost all the time go like: Oh! That smells nice! Reminds me of my grandfather!
Now, how do you from "reminds me of my grandfather" to something like "would you be interested in copulating with me?"

The back of the hill said...

That’s quite the question. The answer is to NOT let them smell ‘nice aromatic tobacco’.
Nice natural tobacco instead, and just pray that it reminds them of their favourite professor in college, or some nice young fellow student with an admirable sense of style.

Anonymous said...

Attractive aromatic girls?

Probably the best of both worlds.

Smoke shag.

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