WHALE STEAKS, WALRUS CÔTELETTE, AND SEAL CHOPS IN A PORT WINE REDUCTION

One reader has chastised me for frequently being negative about veganism, and noted that I seem to have a bad attitude about both Sea Shepherd (the notorious eco-terrorists of the South Pacific) and various other good causes. She or he writes: "you probably have NO sympathy for the Green Peace activists currently being held under APPALLING conditions in Russia either, do you?"

Well, the dingbat who wrote that is right.
No frikkin' sympathy whatsoever.
Gulag their green asses.

However, not wanting to lose anymore readers, no matter how drippy and wussily fruitcake they may be -- they are all infinitely precious to me, especially in this age of decreasing literacy and logic -- it might behoove me to cater to their sensitivities.


"YOU PROBABLY HAVE NO SYMPATHY FOR THE GREEN PEACE ACTIVISTS BEING HELD UNDER APPALLING CONDITIONS"


Oh, the poor babies. At least they're eating well. Russian food, though heavy at times, is on the whole a wonderful and educational gustatory experience. Not only caviar, smetana, and blinis, but Chicken Kiev, many smoked fishes (including whale), refined cabbage dishes, fried appetizers, and sundry savoury meat stews: elk, bear, reindeer, otter, mink, wild boar, and commissar.

[They no longer do serf and turf, by the way.]

And the good news is that all of these can be adapted to tofu.

I'm sure the Kremlin's jailers are considerately providing a wholesome all-vegetarian diet to the imprisoned ecomaniacs. Why, they're probably in better condition than they've ever been! All lean muscle.
Plus plenty of heart-healthy aerobic exercise.
And language classes!


As for Vegan Food, it isn't that I in principle disapprove. It's just that the combination of a sanctimonious holier than thou attitude with appallingly miserable and apathetic cooking usually leaves me infuriated.

Capsule reviews of Vegan and Vegetarian restaurants:


VENUS RESTAURANT
Shattuck Avenue, Berkeley.

Not all Vegan, not all edible. Sometimes bland and disappointing.
On the whole, a typical Berkeley experience that left the diner feeling vaguely insulted, like not having been up to the high standards of a West Oakland streetwalker. Will not go a third time.


HERBIVORE
Divisadero Street, San Francisco.

An excess of garlic does not make up for a lack of taste. Bland white people should not do anything Latino or Asian. I hate Honky burritos.


ANANDA FUARA
Market Street, San Francisco.

Stringy white chicks in saris. Over-priced yoghurt and dal. Attitude.
Having worked for many years in an Indian restaurant, my patience with the artistic and meaningful element is at an all-time low.


LOVING HUT
Stockton Street at Vallejo, San Francisco.

Best fake charsiu ever. Unbelievable! Service is quite good too. The only drawback is that one of the people at the table will have a view of happy happy joy joy cult videos at all times on the big screen teevee, unless their sneeringly dispassionate cult leader is giving an endless lecture in Mandarin.
I do NOT need to see documentaries about sick-in-the-head Eurotrash at some ashram or Buddhist retreat in Amsterdam being all spiritual while I'm eating fabulous fake meat.
Loved the place, but sunglasses are required.
Or blinkers; whatever works.
No MSG.


JUDAHLICIOUS
Judah Street, San Francisco.

Oh frick, be real. Precious, hip, and insufferable. Apathetic service, and more vicious white folks burritos. Too much juice gives you gas.


THE PLANT CAFÉ ORGANIC
Steiner Street, San Francisco.

Overpriced, unimaginative, and slow. And there's that damned saintly hip attitude again. Perhaps I look too much like a decent middle-aged white guy to be treated nicely.
I'm beginning to hate veggie burgers and juice.


GREENS RESTAURANT
Fort Mason, Building A, San Francisco.

Best location and best service of the lot. The food is excellent, and, remarkably for a place that does vegetarian stuff, it has soul. A bit expensive, indeed, but this is the place to take your rancher uncle and his ghastly wife Mabel when they visit; they'll waddle out happy as clams, and with a different opinion of San Francisco than they had.
Probably also a splendid place for a date.
But only if she likes food.


ARIZMENDI BAKERY
Mission Street, San Francisco.

Great pastries, great breads, and dynamite pizza! Even their muffins are excellent, and I hate muffins. Arizmendi Bakery is a class act, and a city treasure.
Worth hiking over to Mission for.



FINAL NOTE: All of the places I listed, except Greens Restaurant and Arizmendi Bakery, would benefit from the serious inclusion of bacon in everything, and the wan drips who work there would be happier too.
Greens and Arizmendi are doing something right.
Good places. Great food.
Wonderful.





==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================