UNINTENTIONAL ATTENTIONS

A cliché of comedic writing, and a rather silly one at that, is the "zerstreute professor", which was the well-known minor character in many third-rate funny bits. An abstracted intellectual. Because, as everyone knows, eggheads are infamous for being absent-minded.

Even as brash young dude, I found it irritating. Not offensive, just irritating. It's a slick yet entirely ineffective gambit to pull on one's audience.
A dodderingly impractical academic, who doesn't realize that his zipper is undone, or his tie is on inside out.
Ha ha ha. Oh, that's rich.

Frankly, only idiots find such things amusing.

And idiots aren't known for their wit.

Brains. Funny!

Still, easy to throw in, and it lets the class ham show off his zany antics.
Everyone will say later what a splendid performance it was, the show of the season, lets do a sequel.


Maybe I just had a youth awash in lousy drama. In consequence of which, amateur theatrics give me indigestion, and I avoid public spectacle.

I always check my zipper. Before leaving the house, ere I enter a public conveyance, and if I am going into a store. When no one is watching, a quick glance downward, and an urgent touch. Oh good, everything is well with the world, my zipper -- and everything that should be within two feet of that zipper -- still seems to be there.
If I wore a tie everyday, it would need no checking. I do a mean Double Windsor. Sheer perfection.
When eating curry or spaghetti, an adjustable tie clip is important.
Probably the only time busy patterns are justifiable.

But whatever else, check your zipper.

It's the key to inoffensive pants.


I am pleased to report that the stain in my crotch is gone. During the bus-ride over the hill I did not notice it, and no one said anything.
A tasty and nutritious lunch in Chinatown, but no stares, glares, or pointing fingers. Nor kiddie winkies exclaiming about remarkable things. Walk down the street after lighting the pipe, turn corner, then head into alleyway.
Find a ledge on which to sit. Ten minutes of people watching.
At one point I glanced down. Pants felt strange.

Oh crap. What the heck IS that stuff?

An ailment? Abnormal nasties?

Localized toxic waste?

A Russian plot?


Let's just say that it lessened the pleasure of the smoke considerably. One cannot really enjoy a pipe-full of good strong tobacco when slinking up a steep hill at a rapid clip, embarrassed to be seen.
Especially by the other gender.

But, after doing laundry each week for five weeks, the stain has faded, and those pants can go back into the rotation. More than ever now I am aware that my posterior is not as large as it once was, those pants feel baggy around the back. Drafty in cold weather.
I am a trim young middle-aged coot.


Three days after discovering that stain I finally realized what it was.
I had fallen asleep in front of the computer at around three or three thirty in the morning, and spilled my warm panax notoginseng decoction. The dried crud it left on my upper thighs was a very noticeably paler hue than the pants, and quite distinct.
I must have looked a right perv.


Since then, I stride through that alleyway and do not dawdle.
Don't want to prompt anyone's memory by lingering.
Lord only knows what they might think.


Good habits include taking care of your body with proper diet and the carefully considered consumption of tonifying herbs -- not only panax notoginseng (三七), but also astragalus (黄芪), dendrobium (石斛), licorice root (甘草), rehmania (地黄), eleutherococcus senticosus (五加蔘), dried tangerine peel (陳皮), polygonum multiflorum (何首烏), cordyceps (冬蟲夏草), lycium berries (枸杞子), et mult altres -- plus brushing your teeth, carrying extra matches or a lighter with you at all times (you never know when you might have to relight, as pipes go out when you're talking to people), and making sure that you leave the house looking presentable.

AND ALWAYS CHECK YOUR PANTS!

Can't stress this enough.
It's essential.


Nowadays, instead of something soothing like warm milk or a panax notoginseng decoction, I am more likely to have a nice cup of tea in front of the computer at three or three thirty in the morning.
There's less chance of problems that way.

I recommend it.

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