Monday, December 19, 2016


Christmas this year is going to be different. A lot has changed. Let me tell you ALL about it, Little Timmy. You see, Timmy, the governor of the North Pole is a Republican who got a proposal to drug-test all food stamp recipients there written into law. And, as you know, Santa runs a sweat-shop, where, because of the "pro-business" labour code, he gets to offer shockingly low wages AND not pay any overtime. Plus he qualifies as a charitable religious institution, and is therefore exempt from many of the minimal standards to which normal businesses must adhere.

Besides, he's the only game in town. If the elves want to earn any money, they work for him. While getting food stamps and aid to families with dependent minors, to survive.

Yeah, the taxpayers indirectly subsidize Santa.

It's a crooked game, Timmy.

This year Santa replaced the company medical plan with heroine and methamphetamine, which in addition to getting the little fellows to work harder than ever, is much cheaper than insurance OR decent working conditions.

Do you understand addiction, Timmy?

Do you know what urine samples are?

Yep, you got it. You're quite smart, Timmy. But what that meant was that NONE of Santa's employees passed the mandatory drug tests, and not a single one got any assistance or food stamps at all, except for the reindeer, who were all smug about it. By late November desperation was rampant, by the first week in December elves were starving. Little elf children were going to bed hungry at night, their wee stomachs and faces shriveled in misery. There was truly piteous weeping. Their parents were pulling double shifts at Santa's factories, wired and zonked, and still not making enough!

And through it all, those reindeer gloated.

Two days ago the elves snapped. It was all over the news. They burned down the factory, pillaged the governor's mansion and the state offices, and ate the reindeer. Who were sassy, and fat enough to feed a multitude!

So you see, Timmy, that fat bearded bastard ain't going anywhere this year. He's hiding for his life, and there is utter anarchy at the North Pole. Santa's Village has been largely destroyed, and members of the Claus family were last seen fleeing through deep snowdrifts on Santa Claus Lane.
They're probably frozen to death by now.
They were parasites, Timmy.
Don't feel sad.

Timmy, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but Christmas will probably be cancelled this year. And we'll have to return all the trees and pretty decorations, which are kind of pointless now anyway.

Keep a brave face for your parents, dear boy.
They haven't heard a blasted thing yet.
It is going to crush them.
Be strong.

Children's Services will visit you sometime after the new year to see how everyone's holding up at your house. There may be some dramatic changes in your living situation, especially if your parents fall to pieces.

They were SO counting on a new toaster!

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