Sunday, December 25, 2016


The house is empty, it is Christmas morning, and like a typical bah-humbugger I have no agenda for the day, nor any firm plans. My apartment mate earlier spoke to her boyfriend on the phone (while I was still dozing in my quarters), and has, I believe, rushed off to help that lonesome Jew on Christmas score some Chinese food.

What does the Lonely Man of Apathy do on Christmas?


At The Back of the Hill (me): "The argument that "so and so' did or believed something, therefore it is right / therefore it is wrong" is idiotic.

Atboth ('At The Back of etcetera'): Pointing this out means that I am a deeply troubled individual, and should associate strictly and only with my own kind.

Jonathan in Israel who does not use capital letters: bibi netanyahu believes that jews, like other humans, are basically bags of flesh and bone, encased in skin.

Atboth: Impossible! Humans are tofu!

Jonathan-No-Caps: i wouldn't discount the possibility merely because you said it.

Jonathan-No-Caps: check and, i believe, mate.

Atboth: "If it weren't for the birth of liddle bebby Jesus, we wouldn't have bacon cheese burgers", he said sagely.

Jonathan-No-Caps: i'll let it pass. still. your worldview has visible cracks. you need a shiputznik.

Jonathan-No-Caps: and it just so happens that i have some experience in this area.

Jonathan-No-Caps: too bad you can't afford me.

Atboth: It should be a mitzvah to fress a bacon cheese burger on this day (or Good Friday, either or), and I will not sh'putz.

Jonathan-No-Caps: yeah whatever man :)

Atboth: Bacon cheese burgers seinen a gevaldige siman le banot, und shputzen iz vom sitra achra. Kler.

Jonathan-No-Caps: i was a grill man at wendy's for 6 full months. don't fuck with me.

Atboth: I'm inventing a new faith: Condimentalism.

Atboth: Would you like little red pig tails with that? In lieu of fries.

Jonathan-No-Caps: YES

Atboth: Wear this ketchup around your neck and on your shirt, and if you have sufficient faith, it will happen.

Jonathan-No-Caps: i shall smear it on the lintels of my doors

Atboth: That the mustard of the malach ha moves should pass over you and all your little hotdogs.

Jonathan-No-Caps: it's kind of a drag that you are so fucking funny you know. whoever said you have no sense of humor had no sense of humor.

Atboth: They weren't familiar with the second cup of coffee version of me.

Jonathan-No-Caps: oh is it that time of day in teh fris'co? i'm on teh wodka. this explains so much.

Atboth: I am contemplating the desolation of lunch. Caffeine keeps existential angst at arms length. From which we shper that existenz-angst and insta-coffee are brothers.

Jonathan-No-Caps: i discovered recently that there is no way in hebrew, including the direct translation, to convey the american idiom "this explains so much" with the full, you know, idiomatic punch.

Atboth: Just preface it with "koh amor ha melech", and it will sound scriptural.

Atboth: Downright Rambamatic.

Jonathan-No-Caps: oh i start all my sentences that way. how to make people and influence friends, you know.

Atboth: It's working! Dale Carnegie was a prophet!

Atboth: Or was that Werner Erhardt?

Jonathan-No-Caps: a backwards one. led many astray. i have been trying to unstupify these people all my life. pointless.

Jonathan-No-Caps: which brings us back to you and your foolishness. let me help you.

Atboth: It better not involve listening to the Grateful Dead for several hours;
I have selective 'Attention Deficit Disorder'.

Jonathan-No-Caps: no no you're not ready for that yet. too many brain cells.

Atboth: Braincells? And each and every one of them a virgin.

Jonathan-No-Caps: surely you mean yours, not mine. this is the problem in a nutshellized nutshell of a nutshell.

Jonathan-No-Caps: you need hallucinogens. lots of them, stat.

Atboth: "This LSD was manufactured in a facility that processes nuts."

Jonathan-No-Caps: oh did i just infer that your klipa is preventing your inner klipa from expressing it's true light? i know how you hate hearing that. sorry.

Atboth: ROTFL!

Jonathan-No-Caps: obey.

Sometime today: steaming milk tea, snack, and a smoke in Chinatown.
I am so glad that anyone playing Jingle Bells or Frosty will be publicly burned at the stake, from now until next December. No more giddy friggin' tinkly dip scheisse. It's over. That's it. Unwrap the tinsel, eat your goose, and kindly all of you slink back to underneath the rock, babies.

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