Thursday, April 09, 2015


A casual acquaintance opined that it was a damned good thing I did not have any children, as I would be a bad example to them.
Close friends, I suspect, would argue the opposite.
I would be a splendid example for the brats.
Stubborn, resilient, and crotchety.

Years ago I suggested to an associate that he should smoke a pipe while changing diapers, instead of a cigar. A pipe, you will understand, is mouth-portable, and unless things go disastrously wrong while removing the poo-stained rags, no hot ashes will fall upon junior's nasty bits.
This is very important.

See, you do NOT want the kids to associate the smell of fine tobacco with trauma of any kind. Instead, they should always have a smile upon their faces whenever they notice even the merest whiff. The aroma should be present in the background of all their happiest moments.
Birthdays, family celebrations, holidays, vacations, awards.....

That way, when you are old and knackered, and they are wondering what to do with you, they will realize that they cannot possibly dump you into some anti-smoking healthfreak resthome, but instead want you around their own house. Perhaps in the basement, or the attic. So that you can still enjoy your fine smokes, and they will be reassured by that familiar fragrance.

By the same token, you should also make sure that they acquire a taste for chilisauce and fishpaste early on. For much the same reasons.
Firmly discourage ANY vegan pretensions.
Or gluten-intolerance fantasies.
It's self-preservation.

The associate to whom I gave this excellent and practical advice has since then been forced to sell most of his tobacco stash, briar pipes, and much else on e-bay. He's not even allowed to smoke in the yard, but must instead light up at the end of the block. He now goes to church on Sunday. Marriage to an anti-tobacco freak has ruined his life.

His kid, of whichever gender it turned out to be -- and I don't really know, because when she was pregnant his wife ordered him to stop associating with us, and I've barely seen him in years -- will probably become a vegan diet-fascist in highschool, and get tribal tattoos in conspicuous places. In addition to screaming that it's his or her life, why can't he understand, and he smells bad!

His mental horizons have drawn in upon themselves.
He has become miserable and dickish.
Rather suburban, too.

Love does NOT mean forcing a person to abstain from something that gives them much joy, or change into someone that they aren't.
Accept the total package, or none of it.

Nor does love mean that you have to obey, and make yourself become what others want you to be.

If two people have so little in common, they have no business getting married.

See, that's exactly why I should have kids.
Fair and balanced opinions.
A good example.

NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.

No comments:

Search This Blog


Sometimes, out of the corner of your ear, you hear something that tingles. While we were eating she mentioned that she admired crows because...