Thursday, April 02, 2015


The other day someone brought the latest and ghastliest symptom of the modern age to my attention, and suffice to say I was shocked, horrified, nauseated, and am now despairing of our modern world. Have we really sunk so low? Good lord almighty, the very idea is depraved!

Is this what it has come to?

Kale cupcakes.

Kale cupcakes!!!!!!!!!!!

If anybody offered me one, I should probably bash them viciously with my Hello Kitty backpack. Then scream imprecations and condemnation at them, and fiercely criticise their life-style choices and philosophy.
While breaking both their kneecaps.

Kale buggery cupcakes!!!!!


Afterwards I would probably try a bite. Just to taste it. Culinary investigation and all that. Remain curious.

Yes, there really is such a thing as a kale cupcake, and yes, I really do have a Hello Kitty backpack. The Hello Kitty backpack is the PERFECT size for stashing six fine briar pipes, two or three pouches or tins of pipe tobacco, a THICK bundle of pipe cleaners (of various types), matches, tampers, and reading material.
I use it on the days when I head across the Golden Gate Bridge to work.

Nothing says self-confidence and a sense of style quite like a Hello Kitty backpack. Do not mess with a person carrying a Hello Kitty backpack. Specifically, a black chequered mini pack, trimmed in pink, with the words 'Hello Kitty' on the top pocket, and an image of Hello Kitty herself on the bottom pocket.

In the case of little girls with Hello Kitty backpacks, they'll probably kick your shins fiercely and cripple you if you start something, and in the case of mature men such as myself, I'll take you out.
Don't even think of it, buster.
You have been warned.
Beware our feist!
We are legion.

In other news, and pursuant a recent big media crap-storm in Indiana, please be informed that I too will not cater any gay weddings. I abjure and condemn ALL gay weddings where pizza is served. No man should have to face his future mate with anchovies on his breath.

"You may kiss the groom."

"He smells of anchovies!"

See? That just isn't right. Jesus does NOT approve of kissing men who smell of small salted fish. Garlic is bad enough. The good book is very clear on this.

Kale cupcakes sound like the kind of thing someone would make on St. Patricks's day, to be funny and just because it's green. We've burned people at the stake for less.

NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.


gastronomically amphibious said...

I could get behind a kale cupcake, if some of the other ingredients included: gorgonzola, pancetta, morels, aged gouda, anchovies, habaneros, smoked eel, radicchio, or arugula. And as long as there was no sugar or icing involved.
And while the catering at any gay weddings (and almost all of the straight weddings) I have attended has left much to be desired, I have never eaten pizza at a wedding reception. I guess Indiana has their own way of doing things.

Telmac said...

Why not have a savory cupcake? Savory donuts, salty teas, and the like are quite good.

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