Monday, April 20, 2015


After riding the San Francisco buses, eating in fine monstrously inexpensive eateries in Chinatown, strolling down busy thoroughfares, and doing other things one naturally does while living urbanly to the max, it strikes me that many new arrivals in this city -- such as internet yuppies, marketing types from godforsaken places between the Oakland Hills and the Alleghenies ("Flyoverstan"), and godhelpus, tourists -- do not understand the art of behaving gracefully in public and not offending other people.

Very well then. Here are some pointers.
Please memorize them, dipshits.
We might like you better.

Offer your seat to women and old folks.
Also parents with children.

That last item is because small persons surrounded by gigantic glandular freaks like your own Midwestern or Texan selves may get crushed on a bus, OR could experience panic attacks if all they can see is giant crotch.
Remember, kids bite.

Don't talk with your mouth full.

Splendid chompers. Especially if you're English.
I damn-near upchucked. Thank you.
I paid for that meal.

Open doors, and hold the door open for the person behind you.

What, you think you're the only person coming in or going out?
Not all doors are automatic.

Don't stare at people eating with chopsticks. That's any people, but especially whites. It isn't unusual, and only requires a little more dexterity in one hand than knife and fork in two.

A well-aimed chopstick flung with sufficient force can skewer your eye and drill a hole right through both sides of your head at eight-hundred miles per hour. And, if plastic, can easily be wiped afterward.

Find out how much Golden Gate Transit buses charge BEFORE you intend to board. 

They don't take credit cards, Muni passes, tourist discount cards, bottle caps, travellers cheques, pounds, dinars, or fifty dollar bills.
And we already know this isn't Europe.

Change will NOT be given.

It's a machine.

Eating a sandwich with a knife and fork is absolutely ridiculous.

No clarification needed.

[Jawel, beste 'Ollanders, in deze kontrijen beschouwt men een boterham als zijnde iets dat men met de handen eten kan. Net, dus, als 'n kroket deswelks men by Fema koopt, of een smakelijke haring. Doe alstublieft niet zo stom.]

Feel free to try eating it with chopsticks.

We like being entertained.

Do not block the sidewalk. Yes, those are tall buildings.

See, we discovered concrete, rebar, and modern architecture a while back. Why, we haven't used mud and wattle in years! It's surprising what you can do with structural engineering.

Unless it is served in a cup, and does not have noodles, soup is meant to be slurped.

That's just the way it is.

Hey! I'm walking here!

Remember that.

LASTLY: please do not conduct loud cellphone conversations in public, do not try to ignore the cripples and fossils whom you should offer a seat by studiously attending to your text-messages and facebook page, get out of the way, stop punctuating everything with the F word, cut the privileged attitude, do NOT cluster in front of the back door of this bus oblivious to everybody else's need to enter or exit, wipe that disapproving scowl off your pasty white face, and don't talk louder because you think we're stupid.

Oh for craps sake! Simply ditch that damned cellphone.
Here, let me show you how it's done.
There's an open window.
You're welcome.

NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.


Rizzo said...

"Hey! I'm walking here!"

Just walking?


The back of the hill said...

It's both.

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