Tuesday, November 18, 2008


That is what a correspondent firmly believes. She is serious, and horribly offended. Decent people should avoid me, and you might want to hang garlic on your monitor before reading any further.

In addition to being an anti-Semite, I would also like to propose that I am a strikingly beautiful black woman with high pert breasts. Might as well go for the complete makeover, don't you agree?

I wrote:
I am capable of believing that voodoo, Catholicism, several forms of Christianity, and many aspects of Orthodox practice are wrong. That several million people believe something does not mean we have to praise and accept that belief as valid. Especially as regards religion one can agree to disagree. Or demand to disagree.

This generated a howl of outrage.

I wrote:
I did not attack Judaism.
I do not accept all of orthodox praxis as valid.
Orthodox Judaism is not all of Judaism. Nor is all of orthodox Judaism actually orthodox Judaism.

Now the other person started jumping up and down and foaming at the mouth, as I could tell from hundreds of miles away. Furious scribbling ensued.

I wrote:
I fail to see how it could possibly be offensive.
Unless you consider all versions of orthodoxy, from the several variants of hareidi all the way through modern orthodox, to be identical. In which case the ultra-orthodox refusal to accept smicha from certain rabbinical schools becomes ridiculous.

Of course, the Conservative movement might also have an issue with the sneering non-acceptance of their accreditation by the ultra-orthodox.

But that begs the question - can Satmar validly be offended by Chabad? To the point that they refuse to accept the opinions of anyone associated with Chabad, or deny their kashrus certification? Those who are easily offended, will be offended.

For that matter, I would more likely accept the graduate of Yeshiva Chovevei Torah as normative in his rabbinical lomdus, than let us say, a rabbi from Beis Medrash Gohova, Belz, or even the Chabad milieu.

To the degree that I do not accept them as normative, they may be offended. More than likely, it would not matter one whit to them.

Again, I fail to see where the offense lies.

Further to the offense, I would offer the following representative sampling of elements of orthodox Judaism which are utter balderdash: Segulos, Kabbalah, Dybbuks, Sheidim, Klipos, and Gematria.

You will find that though these things are all well within orthodox belief, they are by no means universally accepted. They represent a strain of superstition rife with borrowings from heathendom and folk-beliefs. Avodah zara, more or less. Torah codes are also in that category, and quite as ridiculous.

A careful reading of the sources will show that many authorities in the past were adamantly opposed to such nonsense. Such people as the Rambam, Ibn Ezra, even the Ramchal.......

At this point, she accused me of dam-near hating Jews and Judaism.

So yes, dear readers, I am an anti-Semite.


I am also a tall and incredibly stunning black woman with lovely gazongas. Tribal jewelry suits me very well, and I wear bold colours with grace and ease.

Deeply plunging v-necks show off my lovely attributes nicely, by the way.

I have not yet decided whether I am a straight black woman, or a raging Lesbienne, nor, if the latter is the case, if I like cute little blondes or prefer chubby brunettes. But whatever I am, I have no fetiches, and a broad spectrum of tastes. A whole new world of exciting choices has opened up, and it may take me a while to choose all my predilections.

Please send me your suggestions - I need help deciding.

In the meantime, I remain, affectionately, ROTFLMAO.



Suzycat said...

You poor thing, why are you even talking to a person like that?

She sounds insane.
At least you're taking it with a sense of humor.

Anonymous said...

Gosh, and here I was feeling all mighty and proud after being called an ungodly sinner for having read Tom Robbins.

Anonymous said...

Reading Tom Robbins is not an indication of immorality, merely an indication of bad aesthetic taste. There are far better and funnier writers out there.

Yitzchak said...

Good for you. Join the ranks of utter koifrim :) Just one issue: How can you say klipos are balderdash?? What do I peel off the potatoes on erev shabbos? (seriously though I disagree with a lot of what you said)

Good for you anti semite!! I wanna be that kind of anti semite too

Tzipporah said...

Clearly, in her mind, "Jew" means another member of her close-knit, ultra-orthodox community, living within 5 blocks of her and scrupulously following the exact same hashkafa - even if she isn't quite clear what that is.

Everyone else is, by definition, a goy.

Anonymous said...

As a black woman you can really & truly wear colo(u)rs easily

Just like the FIRST LADY 2B

slimme meisje!

It's the pert breasts that bemuse me - coz I reckon as a black woman you would be better off with something more "generous"

How is SK with the prospect of living with a BLACK WOMAN? will she tell her mom????


ps - yo' sho like flapjacks & molasses now B!

Anonymous said...

The Back of the Hill as a trim black woman (with PERT breasties) bemuses the hell out of me.

Do you keep the pipes and smelly tobacco? Do you wear the same clunky male shoes? Do you still shave (and if so, WHERE?).

And, more to the point, tell us all about your wombats, panties, bunny rabbits, panties, penguins, panties, Jesus, panties, butterflies, panties, beavers, panties, and oxen.

---Grant Patel

Anonymous said...

Gsoh, I'm all excited now. I think I will go sponge off.

---Grant Panting

Anonymous said...

...and I am a Gorilla.

e-kvetcher said...

...and I am a Chartered Accountant

Suzycat said...

Mister Patel, you have a thing with panties, yes?

Do you actually WEAR them yourself? Are they moist from your sponge?

Don't tell me. I'm not at all interested. These were rhetorical questions.

Anonymous said...

Suzy, you can aks me anything at all about my panties. It shall not twist my knickers in the slightest. Rhetorically, of course..... my dhoti does immoral things when I'm not watching.

---Grant Patel

Anonymous said...

Presenting, 'the dance of the seven panties'. An ode to spring in interpretive dance, by 'Les Ballets Russes-expatique de Bombay'.

And a one, two three...

--Grant Vallabhaiyovich Patinderov

Suzycat said...

Grant, you ARE a pervert!

I'd like to see that dance, though. From behind bulletproof (or at least spatterproof) glass.

And you may leave your sponge at home, thank you very much.

Steg (dos iz nit der šteg) said...

you used the word "gazongas"

Anonymous said...

See, I am not the ONLY pervert here. Steg used the word 'gazongas".

Referring, of course, to a gazon - a field of fresh grass or hay, such as is mentioned so often in the Song of Songs, I believe.

How splendid that a rabbi should've picked up on the scriptural reference. Bravo, Steg.

---Grant Patel

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