Today is Tisha B'av. Which means that there are five afflictions or prohibitions.
The Chameshes inuyim (five don't do its) are: no eating, no drinking, no rubbing yourself with unguent or perfumes, no bathing, and no connubulating.
Additionally, no Torah study, and no smoking.
[You are, however, allowed to read the thoroughly miserable parts of Tanach. Including Lamentations.]
Well, that doesn't give me a whole heck of a lot to work with today. Given that those are in fact the five (seven) things that I normally obsess about. But, seeing as most of my readers are frumme Yidden, no. Even though they probably won't cruise in to this blog until after the day is over. Because of my usual subjects. Which, as we know, are inappropriate for this day.
So. A period of mourning.
There's almost nothing I can write about today. Out of respect for my readers. Zippy Ben Didlim, in fact. Zero.
No food. No booze. No fragrant oils. No ablutions. No naughtiness.
No hot shiksas covered in bacon grease.
Size A. Fifteen years old. And full of life.
Nothing.
[Maybe I'll write about them tomorrow. Or sometime soon.]
HA-MAVDIL
For more about Tisha b'Av, visit this post:
http://innate-differences.blogspot.com/2009/07/tale-of-two-fast-days.html
It's by the Bray of Fundie (aka Chaim Grossferstant, etcetera), who has started his own blog.
He compares Tisha b'Av to Yom Kippur. It's interesting. Go learn.
LIPMAN
And, given that you are supposed to HEAR the lamentation (Eicha), visit Lipman at this post:
http://lipmans.blogspot.com/2009/07/eicho-trop.html
See you all here again tomorrow.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
ADDENDUM
Until chatzos, tisha b'av is a day of aveilus, whereas after chatzos it is a taanis. In other words, the halachos of aveilus and taanis both operate. But note, however, that while tisha b'av and personal aveilus are comparable, they are not equivalent.
One IS allowed to study certain sections of Tanach on tisha b'av, contrary to what normally holds for an avel. But in silence. No vocal expression of Torah study, in like manner no visual expression of glory (tefillin).
Showing posts with label RABAMATICA. Show all posts
Showing posts with label RABAMATICA. Show all posts
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
I AM AN ANTI-SEMITE
That is what a correspondent firmly believes. She is serious, and horribly offended. Decent people should avoid me, and you might want to hang garlic on your monitor before reading any further.
In addition to being an anti-Semite, I would also like to propose that I am a strikingly beautiful black woman with high pert breasts. Might as well go for the complete makeover, don't you agree?
I wrote:
I am capable of believing that voodoo, Catholicism, several forms of Christianity, and many aspects of Orthodox practice are wrong. That several million people believe something does not mean we have to praise and accept that belief as valid. Especially as regards religion one can agree to disagree. Or demand to disagree.
This generated a howl of outrage.
I wrote:
I did not attack Judaism.
I do not accept all of orthodox praxis as valid.
Orthodox Judaism is not all of Judaism. Nor is all of orthodox Judaism actually orthodox Judaism.
Now the other person started jumping up and down and foaming at the mouth, as I could tell from hundreds of miles away. Furious scribbling ensued.
I wrote:
I fail to see how it could possibly be offensive.
Unless you consider all versions of orthodoxy, from the several variants of hareidi all the way through modern orthodox, to be identical. In which case the ultra-orthodox refusal to accept smicha from certain rabbinical schools becomes ridiculous.
Of course, the Conservative movement might also have an issue with the sneering non-acceptance of their accreditation by the ultra-orthodox.
But that begs the question - can Satmar validly be offended by Chabad? To the point that they refuse to accept the opinions of anyone associated with Chabad, or deny their kashrus certification? Those who are easily offended, will be offended.
For that matter, I would more likely accept the graduate of Yeshiva Chovevei Torah as normative in his rabbinical lomdus, than let us say, a rabbi from Beis Medrash Gohova, Belz, or even the Chabad milieu.
To the degree that I do not accept them as normative, they may be offended. More than likely, it would not matter one whit to them.
Again, I fail to see where the offense lies.
Further to the offense, I would offer the following representative sampling of elements of orthodox Judaism which are utter balderdash: Segulos, Kabbalah, Dybbuks, Sheidim, Klipos, and Gematria.
You will find that though these things are all well within orthodox belief, they are by no means universally accepted. They represent a strain of superstition rife with borrowings from heathendom and folk-beliefs. Avodah zara, more or less. Torah codes are also in that category, and quite as ridiculous.
A careful reading of the sources will show that many authorities in the past were adamantly opposed to such nonsense. Such people as the Rambam, Ibn Ezra, even the Ramchal.......
At this point, she accused me of dam-near hating Jews and Judaism.
So yes, dear readers, I am an anti-Semite.
BLACK AND FULLY BREASTED
I am also a tall and incredibly stunning black woman with lovely gazongas. Tribal jewelry suits me very well, and I wear bold colours with grace and ease.
Deeply plunging v-necks show off my lovely attributes nicely, by the way.
I have not yet decided whether I am a straight black woman, or a raging Lesbienne, nor, if the latter is the case, if I like cute little blondes or prefer chubby brunettes. But whatever I am, I have no fetiches, and a broad spectrum of tastes. A whole new world of exciting choices has opened up, and it may take me a while to choose all my predilections.
Please send me your suggestions - I need help deciding.
In the meantime, I remain, affectionately, ROTFLMAO.
-----B.O.T.H.
In addition to being an anti-Semite, I would also like to propose that I am a strikingly beautiful black woman with high pert breasts. Might as well go for the complete makeover, don't you agree?
I wrote:
I am capable of believing that voodoo, Catholicism, several forms of Christianity, and many aspects of Orthodox practice are wrong. That several million people believe something does not mean we have to praise and accept that belief as valid. Especially as regards religion one can agree to disagree. Or demand to disagree.
This generated a howl of outrage.
I wrote:
I did not attack Judaism.
I do not accept all of orthodox praxis as valid.
Orthodox Judaism is not all of Judaism. Nor is all of orthodox Judaism actually orthodox Judaism.
Now the other person started jumping up and down and foaming at the mouth, as I could tell from hundreds of miles away. Furious scribbling ensued.
I wrote:
I fail to see how it could possibly be offensive.
Unless you consider all versions of orthodoxy, from the several variants of hareidi all the way through modern orthodox, to be identical. In which case the ultra-orthodox refusal to accept smicha from certain rabbinical schools becomes ridiculous.
Of course, the Conservative movement might also have an issue with the sneering non-acceptance of their accreditation by the ultra-orthodox.
But that begs the question - can Satmar validly be offended by Chabad? To the point that they refuse to accept the opinions of anyone associated with Chabad, or deny their kashrus certification? Those who are easily offended, will be offended.
For that matter, I would more likely accept the graduate of Yeshiva Chovevei Torah as normative in his rabbinical lomdus, than let us say, a rabbi from Beis Medrash Gohova, Belz, or even the Chabad milieu.
To the degree that I do not accept them as normative, they may be offended. More than likely, it would not matter one whit to them.
Again, I fail to see where the offense lies.
Further to the offense, I would offer the following representative sampling of elements of orthodox Judaism which are utter balderdash: Segulos, Kabbalah, Dybbuks, Sheidim, Klipos, and Gematria.
You will find that though these things are all well within orthodox belief, they are by no means universally accepted. They represent a strain of superstition rife with borrowings from heathendom and folk-beliefs. Avodah zara, more or less. Torah codes are also in that category, and quite as ridiculous.
A careful reading of the sources will show that many authorities in the past were adamantly opposed to such nonsense. Such people as the Rambam, Ibn Ezra, even the Ramchal.......
At this point, she accused me of dam-near hating Jews and Judaism.
So yes, dear readers, I am an anti-Semite.
BLACK AND FULLY BREASTED
I am also a tall and incredibly stunning black woman with lovely gazongas. Tribal jewelry suits me very well, and I wear bold colours with grace and ease.
Deeply plunging v-necks show off my lovely attributes nicely, by the way.
I have not yet decided whether I am a straight black woman, or a raging Lesbienne, nor, if the latter is the case, if I like cute little blondes or prefer chubby brunettes. But whatever I am, I have no fetiches, and a broad spectrum of tastes. A whole new world of exciting choices has opened up, and it may take me a while to choose all my predilections.
Please send me your suggestions - I need help deciding.
In the meantime, I remain, affectionately, ROTFLMAO.
-----B.O.T.H.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
EIGHTEEN CIGAR MITZVA
Reb Reicher in New York recently queried me regarding chassidim who "inhale eighteen cigars on yom kippur". At first I was baffled, but then I realized that I am the logical person to ask such things.
What other blog combines tobacco, a dimsummish modicum of Talmud-Torah, and chassidic genealogy?
[Plus penguins, panties, wombat curry, and plotshikke bibber peltzen?]
Besides, I know the Rabam personally. The Rabam, as is well-known, is the descendant of both the Ba'al Ha Turetz AND the Rebbe of Prolicz - both sources of riezige lomdus on this very subject!
My correspondent writes:
All I have is the phrase "Chassidim who inhale eighteen cigars on Yom Kippur". Who are they, which shtroim of chassidus, why precisely do they do that, and what cigars do they prefer? Especially that last datum - is their roichende minhog Honduran, Nicaraguan, or European dry-cured? Long filler, Sumatran wrapper, or Connecticut shade-grown? These are important considerata.
Well, my dear Talmid, it's a special minyen by the rebbe of Tzeger. There's no break on Yom Kippur, they just davven the shtille shimonesro, and then they smoke throughout the entire chazoras ha-shatz of each of the four tefillos of the daytime.
Why eighteen cigars?
Eighteen cigars plus a small cherus (the so-called 'cheruth katan') because there are nineteen benedictions. Rather than changing the name or the symbolism, one accounts for the addition by a different item in the same category - the analogy is with four tins of GLPease tobacco on Peip Sach plus one tin of Cornell & Diehl for Eliyahu Ha-Huma.
The eighteen are life (chai), the cherus represents the minim. The cheroot is optional, though some hold that it is obligatory, because every day we thank our maker for cherus.
According to HaRav BenTzion Halberkrona, the Rebbe of Tzeger explained: "There is a Medrash which says that Eliyahu Ha-Huma was punished for complaining that his people were lax in performing the bendikzions, by being made to be present at every benediction in the future. Hence the "Cigar of Eliyahu". I could never understand how being present at such a holy ceremony could be punishment, but now I see why it is sometimes a matter of great annoyance to be present at some of the functions of our faith - the kavana of eighteen cigars is shverrer on the chest than any amount of beating."
But at Omblatt's, they would smoke eighteen señoritas (or bolknaks, during a shmitta year - the symbolism is lost, though it may have something to do with bolknaks being made from last year's compost heap). With a cup of black coffee for each. Because one should also taste the bitter during the great festivals (strictly murra). The symbolism of a señorita is that kabbalistically it acknowledges the feminine aspect of the divine - the shekinah, zigar anpin, or tiferes.
This per HaRav Kutchner, currently of Kehillos Ohevei Madonna.
[In the same shul of thought, the truly fervent would go north to Mokum Alef for simches toireh...... instead of jannevier (Genever - Dutch Gin), the current minhag is to get so blasted on spliv in a coffee shop that you cannot tell Hamansterdam from whateveritisnejad that you just forgot.]
The Tzegerer minhag is also a rejection of the profligacy of Ruzhin and the Kozhnitzer (to whom Napoleon gifted a precious snuff-box), namely ostentatiously dipping snuff on shabbes or the high holy days, but only on week days smoking fine cigars through amber holders. In recent decades it has become harder to do so, due to the enormous increase in price of stogies - up to six hundred dollars for a box of twenty five handrolled Coronas from a reputable maker (supervised le mehadrin min hamehadrin min hamehadin min hamahadda dadda da).
The correct custom when offering a cigar is to open the box and allow the receiver to take one rather than handing the cigar to someone directly. It is also customary to light cigars for others, especially for women.
The Rebbe's nephew, Shalom Ber Tzigary, writes: "... while the Rebbe walked around Berlin in a beret and a well-tailored suit, his lomdishe brother wore a pair of slacks with his shirt out and his tzitzis showing. While my uncle's hair was short, Leibel's was long and wild, with luxurious peyes. However, it was clear that they really cared for each other. I remember that both of them were physically very strong, and would challenge each other by locking their arms on one another's shoulders and "wrestling" for long periods."
[Reb Leibel Tzigary emigrated to Palestine in 1933 -- his T.A. shtiebl on Nachalos Binyamin was a disorganized mess, with no regular hours, though it was always open on Shabbat; he would strut in front of the grand Kozhinitzer Shul up the block with his Shabbat cigar in hand.]
Reb Leibel is buried with his wife in Sfat. His spouse was employed, after his death, as a religious teacher in Mercaz L'inyonei Cherut in London.
For a full minyan one needs eight boxes of coronas (or thirteen boxes of half-coronas), and one box of señoritas - the excess is traditionally given to the poor, or to your no-good son-in-law's father (pretty much the same thing, really).
The boxes must be cedar, as is written: "imchoma hi nivne aleyha tirat kasef, v'imdelet hi natsur aleyha luach arez".
One time the Baal Ha Turetz was gifted with eighteen fine herring. But he did not eat them, because of the verse "ach basar bechiyo'msterdamo, lo tochelu". That day he breakfasted on Genever (Jannevier, also known in Mokum Alef as jajem (yayim)).
Jannevier is as mayim chayim, but also intense menucha, because HE accompanies one beside still waters, whether pot or patent (Tehillim, mizmor kaf gimmel - p.23:2).
Smoking is a baroicho.
There is no free-association; somebody always has to pay for it.
I think I need more coffee, sukar ziyada.
I hope this answers all of your questions about the eighteen cigars.
What other blog combines tobacco, a dimsummish modicum of Talmud-Torah, and chassidic genealogy?
[Plus penguins, panties, wombat curry, and plotshikke bibber peltzen?]
Besides, I know the Rabam personally. The Rabam, as is well-known, is the descendant of both the Ba'al Ha Turetz AND the Rebbe of Prolicz - both sources of riezige lomdus on this very subject!
My correspondent writes:
All I have is the phrase "Chassidim who inhale eighteen cigars on Yom Kippur". Who are they, which shtroim of chassidus, why precisely do they do that, and what cigars do they prefer? Especially that last datum - is their roichende minhog Honduran, Nicaraguan, or European dry-cured? Long filler, Sumatran wrapper, or Connecticut shade-grown? These are important considerata.
Well, my dear Talmid, it's a special minyen by the rebbe of Tzeger. There's no break on Yom Kippur, they just davven the shtille shimonesro, and then they smoke throughout the entire chazoras ha-shatz of each of the four tefillos of the daytime.
Why eighteen cigars?
Eighteen cigars plus a small cherus (the so-called 'cheruth katan') because there are nineteen benedictions. Rather than changing the name or the symbolism, one accounts for the addition by a different item in the same category - the analogy is with four tins of GLPease tobacco on Peip Sach plus one tin of Cornell & Diehl for Eliyahu Ha-Huma.
The eighteen are life (chai), the cherus represents the minim. The cheroot is optional, though some hold that it is obligatory, because every day we thank our maker for cherus.
According to HaRav BenTzion Halberkrona, the Rebbe of Tzeger explained: "There is a Medrash which says that Eliyahu Ha-Huma was punished for complaining that his people were lax in performing the bendikzions, by being made to be present at every benediction in the future. Hence the "Cigar of Eliyahu". I could never understand how being present at such a holy ceremony could be punishment, but now I see why it is sometimes a matter of great annoyance to be present at some of the functions of our faith - the kavana of eighteen cigars is shverrer on the chest than any amount of beating."
But at Omblatt's, they would smoke eighteen señoritas (or bolknaks, during a shmitta year - the symbolism is lost, though it may have something to do with bolknaks being made from last year's compost heap). With a cup of black coffee for each. Because one should also taste the bitter during the great festivals (strictly murra). The symbolism of a señorita is that kabbalistically it acknowledges the feminine aspect of the divine - the shekinah, zigar anpin, or tiferes.
This per HaRav Kutchner, currently of Kehillos Ohevei Madonna.
[In the same shul of thought, the truly fervent would go north to Mokum Alef for simches toireh...... instead of jannevier (Genever - Dutch Gin), the current minhag is to get so blasted on spliv in a coffee shop that you cannot tell Hamansterdam from whateveritisnejad that you just forgot.]
The Tzegerer minhag is also a rejection of the profligacy of Ruzhin and the Kozhnitzer (to whom Napoleon gifted a precious snuff-box), namely ostentatiously dipping snuff on shabbes or the high holy days, but only on week days smoking fine cigars through amber holders. In recent decades it has become harder to do so, due to the enormous increase in price of stogies - up to six hundred dollars for a box of twenty five handrolled Coronas from a reputable maker (supervised le mehadrin min hamehadrin min hamehadin min hamahadda dadda da).
The correct custom when offering a cigar is to open the box and allow the receiver to take one rather than handing the cigar to someone directly. It is also customary to light cigars for others, especially for women.
The Rebbe's nephew, Shalom Ber Tzigary, writes: "... while the Rebbe walked around Berlin in a beret and a well-tailored suit, his lomdishe brother wore a pair of slacks with his shirt out and his tzitzis showing. While my uncle's hair was short, Leibel's was long and wild, with luxurious peyes. However, it was clear that they really cared for each other. I remember that both of them were physically very strong, and would challenge each other by locking their arms on one another's shoulders and "wrestling" for long periods."
[Reb Leibel Tzigary emigrated to Palestine in 1933 -- his T.A. shtiebl on Nachalos Binyamin was a disorganized mess, with no regular hours, though it was always open on Shabbat; he would strut in front of the grand Kozhinitzer Shul up the block with his Shabbat cigar in hand.]
Reb Leibel is buried with his wife in Sfat. His spouse was employed, after his death, as a religious teacher in Mercaz L'inyonei Cherut in London.
For a full minyan one needs eight boxes of coronas (or thirteen boxes of half-coronas), and one box of señoritas - the excess is traditionally given to the poor, or to your no-good son-in-law's father (pretty much the same thing, really).
The boxes must be cedar, as is written: "imchoma hi nivne aleyha tirat kasef, v'imdelet hi natsur aleyha luach arez".
One time the Baal Ha Turetz was gifted with eighteen fine herring. But he did not eat them, because of the verse "ach basar bechiyo'msterdamo, lo tochelu". That day he breakfasted on Genever (Jannevier, also known in Mokum Alef as jajem (yayim)).
Jannevier is as mayim chayim, but also intense menucha, because HE accompanies one beside still waters, whether pot or patent (Tehillim, mizmor kaf gimmel - p.23:2).
Smoking is a baroicho.
There is no free-association; somebody always has to pay for it.
I think I need more coffee, sukar ziyada.
I hope this answers all of your questions about the eighteen cigars.
Friday, June 20, 2008
THE HALACHA OF NI
Under a post about statuesque nudity, large photogenic untzniusdikke parts, and the marble charms of Venus (or Lady Justicia holding scales, in her more 'accepted' public persona) on Dovbear's blog, serious issues have been hashed out.
From the comment-string:
ATBOTH wrote:
"Oh Knight who still says ni - you must be Jewish, that would explain why, when everyone else in your shul is saying "ecky ecky ecky ecky pikang zoop boing goodemzoo owli zhiv", you stubbornly insist that "ecky ecky ecky ecky pikang zoop boing goodemzoo owli zhiv" is NOT the minhag of the old country, and you don't care what these Gallitzianers or Rumanians do, you will still, like you were taught, in a mesorah all the way from the mountain, say 'ni'.
Kudos. Minhag has the weight of halacha. And the minhag says 'ni'. Punkt.
"Ecky ecky ecky ecky pikang zoop boing goodemzoo owli zhiv" is merely a ridiculous chumrah."
To which TKwhoSN responded:
"TBOTH - Yes, I'm sticking with "Ni". Not only is ""ecky ecky ecky ecky pikang zoop boing goodemzoo owli zhiv"" a recent innovation with no basis in tradition, it's way too long to fit in the "Name" field.
Plus, if you need to pass, I only require one shrubbery. A nice one. Not too expensive. So, it saves you that whole getting a two and placing it beside the first one, only slightly higher so we get the two level effect, etc. Not to mention avoiding having to chop down the tallest tree in the forest with a herring.
Ni really is the best minhag - for everyone, knight or not."
As you can tell, TKwhoSN is a traditionalist, and resists hiddur mitzva.
This stand is supported by Rabban Gamliel, who held that the cost of TWO shrubberies put such a terrible burden on a family that they would abandon (the individual required to present a shrubbery) and flee. Rabban Gamliel says: "Ein zaken b'Cheshvan" [ 'nobody (harvests) a mature shrubbery in (the month of) Cheshvan' ]. Because it is a hardship.
But this is not necessarily a barrier to performing a commandment, and further, when his (Rabban Gamliel’s) children came home after chatzos, they asked their father whether they could recite krias shema. Now, though one cannot gain a kiyum mitzvah d’oraysa, done knowingly in contravention of standards set by Chazal, the children missed the proper time of chatzos only b'ones (unintentionally). And it is suggested that violating a d'rabbanan b'ones should not negate a kiyum d'oraysa.
Rav zeira opines (regarding hiddur mitzva), "by as much as a third".
Rashi explains as follows: 'if a man finds two shrubberies and acquires the nicer one, he should go that third further for the nicer one' - "today we do the mitzva, tomorrow we may be rewarded". What is added on will be repaid (al pi Rashi, Bava Kama 9b).
The Rishonim disagree as to the correct way of fulfilling the mitzva mehadrin min hamehadrin. The Rambam avers that it is supplemental to the preceding level (mehadrin): one should acquire an additional shrubbery for each person, for each occasion that a shrubbery is required. He states that we use the best that we can afford - and this implies a comparative, and hence, it might be argued, TWO (or more) shrubberies!
That presents a machlokes: how many shrubberies are required, and are more (than the basic requirement) permitted?
The Rema also allows one for each person like the Rambam, which is the Ashkenazic minhag (a shrubbery per person) but differs from the Rambam, who held that it was enough if the head of the household presented the shrubberies on behalf of each member of the family - the Rema states that each individual should present his own. The Maharil agrees.
So whereas one point of view holds that there should also be a shrubbery for the person presenting the shrubbery (and a minimum of one additional shrubbery for the household), the practise has been one shrubbery per person.
As is written: "Two is one too many, and three is right out. No more. No less. One shall be the count of your shrubbery, and the number of the shrubbery shall be one. Two shall you not present, nor either present naught, excepting that you then proceed to one. Three is right out. Once the number one, being the first number, be reached, present you then the shrubbery towards the knights".
[Rambam, Sefer Netachim]
Other readers also weighed in.
Yossi said:
"I would have to say that I lean towards "Ni" however there is a lot of persuasive reasoning to the machlokes disputing "Ni" and suggesting that the proper minhag is, in fact, "It!"
One only needs consider the knights' response to that holy word to understand the strong foundation to that contention."
Abe said:
"About 5 years ago, I went to a fundie relative's wedding, much against my better judgement. It took place in a very fancy and expensive catering hall. After the valet took my car, I walked through a gardened walkway to the entrance and noted 2 shrouded figures on both sides of the entrance doors. I was puzzled and took a closer look. I peeked under the shroud and I laughed when I realized that the licentious display was nothing more than a nude statue of Venus in all her feminine charms.
I surmised that the sight of a nude Venus might have deleterious effects on the choson's frame of mind for future kolel study.
On the other hand, the dopey fundies didn't understand that this was also an ancient kabalistic segula for a more productive romp in the bedroom on the happy couple's wedding night. "
The Internet is for Porn said:
" "I surmised that the sight of a nude Venus might have deleterious effects on the choson's frame of mind for future kolel study. "But on the other hand, it might have done wonders for the choson's frame of mind regarding the mitzva of pru urvu!"
We see that the obligation (d'oraisa) of the shrubbery is linked to the mitzva of pru urvu, and while our fathers (may have) had two wives (Yakov, with Rachel and Leah, for instance), it has long been customary for us to have only one spouse. Hence the exactation of TWO shrubberies clearly constitutes a hardship.
No matter your (understandably) keen desire to 'beautify the commandment', you should limit yourself to one.
Ni.
From the comment-string:
ATBOTH wrote:
"Oh Knight who still says ni - you must be Jewish, that would explain why, when everyone else in your shul is saying "ecky ecky ecky ecky pikang zoop boing goodemzoo owli zhiv", you stubbornly insist that "ecky ecky ecky ecky pikang zoop boing goodemzoo owli zhiv" is NOT the minhag of the old country, and you don't care what these Gallitzianers or Rumanians do, you will still, like you were taught, in a mesorah all the way from the mountain, say 'ni'.
Kudos. Minhag has the weight of halacha. And the minhag says 'ni'. Punkt.
"Ecky ecky ecky ecky pikang zoop boing goodemzoo owli zhiv" is merely a ridiculous chumrah."
To which TKwhoSN responded:
"TBOTH - Yes, I'm sticking with "Ni". Not only is ""ecky ecky ecky ecky pikang zoop boing goodemzoo owli zhiv"" a recent innovation with no basis in tradition, it's way too long to fit in the "Name" field.
Plus, if you need to pass, I only require one shrubbery. A nice one. Not too expensive. So, it saves you that whole getting a two and placing it beside the first one, only slightly higher so we get the two level effect, etc. Not to mention avoiding having to chop down the tallest tree in the forest with a herring.
Ni really is the best minhag - for everyone, knight or not."
As you can tell, TKwhoSN is a traditionalist, and resists hiddur mitzva.
This stand is supported by Rabban Gamliel, who held that the cost of TWO shrubberies put such a terrible burden on a family that they would abandon (the individual required to present a shrubbery) and flee. Rabban Gamliel says: "Ein zaken b'Cheshvan" [ 'nobody (harvests) a mature shrubbery in (the month of) Cheshvan' ]. Because it is a hardship.
But this is not necessarily a barrier to performing a commandment, and further, when his (Rabban Gamliel’s) children came home after chatzos, they asked their father whether they could recite krias shema. Now, though one cannot gain a kiyum mitzvah d’oraysa, done knowingly in contravention of standards set by Chazal, the children missed the proper time of chatzos only b'ones (unintentionally). And it is suggested that violating a d'rabbanan b'ones should not negate a kiyum d'oraysa.
Rav zeira opines (regarding hiddur mitzva), "by as much as a third".
Rashi explains as follows: 'if a man finds two shrubberies and acquires the nicer one, he should go that third further for the nicer one' - "today we do the mitzva, tomorrow we may be rewarded". What is added on will be repaid (al pi Rashi, Bava Kama 9b).
The Rishonim disagree as to the correct way of fulfilling the mitzva mehadrin min hamehadrin. The Rambam avers that it is supplemental to the preceding level (mehadrin): one should acquire an additional shrubbery for each person, for each occasion that a shrubbery is required. He states that we use the best that we can afford - and this implies a comparative, and hence, it might be argued, TWO (or more) shrubberies!
That presents a machlokes: how many shrubberies are required, and are more (than the basic requirement) permitted?
The Rema also allows one for each person like the Rambam, which is the Ashkenazic minhag (a shrubbery per person) but differs from the Rambam, who held that it was enough if the head of the household presented the shrubberies on behalf of each member of the family - the Rema states that each individual should present his own. The Maharil agrees.
So whereas one point of view holds that there should also be a shrubbery for the person presenting the shrubbery (and a minimum of one additional shrubbery for the household), the practise has been one shrubbery per person.
As is written: "Two is one too many, and three is right out. No more. No less. One shall be the count of your shrubbery, and the number of the shrubbery shall be one. Two shall you not present, nor either present naught, excepting that you then proceed to one. Three is right out. Once the number one, being the first number, be reached, present you then the shrubbery towards the knights".
[Rambam, Sefer Netachim]
Other readers also weighed in.
Yossi said:
"I would have to say that I lean towards "Ni" however there is a lot of persuasive reasoning to the machlokes disputing "Ni" and suggesting that the proper minhag is, in fact, "It!"
One only needs consider the knights' response to that holy word to understand the strong foundation to that contention."
Abe said:
"About 5 years ago, I went to a fundie relative's wedding, much against my better judgement. It took place in a very fancy and expensive catering hall. After the valet took my car, I walked through a gardened walkway to the entrance and noted 2 shrouded figures on both sides of the entrance doors. I was puzzled and took a closer look. I peeked under the shroud and I laughed when I realized that the licentious display was nothing more than a nude statue of Venus in all her feminine charms.
I surmised that the sight of a nude Venus might have deleterious effects on the choson's frame of mind for future kolel study.
On the other hand, the dopey fundies didn't understand that this was also an ancient kabalistic segula for a more productive romp in the bedroom on the happy couple's wedding night. "
The Internet is for Porn said:
" "I surmised that the sight of a nude Venus might have deleterious effects on the choson's frame of mind for future kolel study. "But on the other hand, it might have done wonders for the choson's frame of mind regarding the mitzva of pru urvu!"
We see that the obligation (d'oraisa) of the shrubbery is linked to the mitzva of pru urvu, and while our fathers (may have) had two wives (Yakov, with Rachel and Leah, for instance), it has long been customary for us to have only one spouse. Hence the exactation of TWO shrubberies clearly constitutes a hardship.
No matter your (understandably) keen desire to 'beautify the commandment', you should limit yourself to one.
Ni.
Monday, March 17, 2008
I'M ONLY DRINKING COFFEE!
The Chag Ha-sinpaddim is two days in the land, three days outside.
Why is this?
Because outside the land one celebrates not only the chag itself, but also the fact that one is outside the land.
But another opinion is that without liquor one cannot possibly stomach corned beef and cabbage - a punishment (chumrah) that they do not actually observe inside the land. It is accepted custom to eat the leftovers before they turn green, hence the additional day.
[Eating corned beef and cabbage is, d'rabbanan, one of the mitzvos asei shehazaman grama from which women are excused. It is enough that they HEAR it. ]
As the Dubliner Maggid said, "everything is dependent upon either beans or fermentation - no wonder life stinks".
How wise these words.
Rashi (Rabbi Shlomo ben Yitzhok, 1040 - 1105) says that one goes from the lesser to the greater - start with Guiness, finish with Whiskey. But Rabbeinu Tam (Yakov ben Meir, 1100 - 1171) advocates the Whiskey first, going by the hair. Many modern Chassidim hedge their bets by doing both. But this is kilayim!
According to the Mishneh Toreh, there are five prohibited mixings: plowing by cattle and asses in the same furrow, grapes and other crops in the same arbor, wool and linen in the same garment, Jews and Midianites in the same world, and hard and soft liquor at the same meal (one should wait six hours in the land, or three hours in Boro Park).
Errrm, enough with the St. Paddy shtuss - happy Policeman's Heritage Day, y'all.
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For a complete calendar of feasts and fasts, please see this post:http://atthebackofthehill.blogspot.com/2007/09/jewish-calendar-for-5768.html
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In other news, there is a fascinating discussion of bedikes on Dovbear's blog.
[See here: http://dovbear.blogspot.com/2008/03/perfect-example-of-how-over-ritualized.html ]
Bedikes invariably reminds me of Renegade Rebbetzin, Potatoes Paprikash, what Dovbear eats after the fast (Letsho), the two Irish girls I used to work with down in Palo Alto, vitamin C, Lucky Strike Filter cigarettes, Motzei Shabbes. There is a logical sequence to that series of associations. But I do not want to explain it in any great detail - you already have some doubts about how grounded I am on a Monday, right?
Why is this?
Because outside the land one celebrates not only the chag itself, but also the fact that one is outside the land.
But another opinion is that without liquor one cannot possibly stomach corned beef and cabbage - a punishment (chumrah) that they do not actually observe inside the land. It is accepted custom to eat the leftovers before they turn green, hence the additional day.
[Eating corned beef and cabbage is, d'rabbanan, one of the mitzvos asei shehazaman grama from which women are excused. It is enough that they HEAR it. ]
As the Dubliner Maggid said, "everything is dependent upon either beans or fermentation - no wonder life stinks".
How wise these words.
Rashi (Rabbi Shlomo ben Yitzhok, 1040 - 1105) says that one goes from the lesser to the greater - start with Guiness, finish with Whiskey. But Rabbeinu Tam (Yakov ben Meir, 1100 - 1171) advocates the Whiskey first, going by the hair. Many modern Chassidim hedge their bets by doing both. But this is kilayim!
According to the Mishneh Toreh, there are five prohibited mixings: plowing by cattle and asses in the same furrow, grapes and other crops in the same arbor, wool and linen in the same garment, Jews and Midianites in the same world, and hard and soft liquor at the same meal (one should wait six hours in the land, or three hours in Boro Park).
Errrm, enough with the St. Paddy shtuss - happy Policeman's Heritage Day, y'all.
---------------------------------------------------
For a complete calendar of feasts and fasts, please see this post:http://atthebackofthehill.blogspot.com/2007/09/jewish-calendar-for-5768.html
---------------------------------------------------
In other news, there is a fascinating discussion of bedikes on Dovbear's blog.
[See here: http://dovbear.blogspot.com/2008/03/perfect-example-of-how-over-ritualized.html ]
Bedikes invariably reminds me of Renegade Rebbetzin, Potatoes Paprikash, what Dovbear eats after the fast (Letsho), the two Irish girls I used to work with down in Palo Alto, vitamin C, Lucky Strike Filter cigarettes, Motzei Shabbes. There is a logical sequence to that series of associations. But I do not want to explain it in any great detail - you already have some doubts about how grounded I am on a Monday, right?
Thursday, December 20, 2007
MAIREV, SHACHARIS, MINCHA
In lieu of a regular posting, here's a vort from the RABAM that sort-of refs sh'kiya.
"Shacharis is to morning as Mincha is to afternoon (before sundown, as the Tana Kama says, but Rabbi Yehuda holds farkert, shperring that it may only be until plag Mincha – a twelfth, and a quarter of a twelfth, of the duration between dawn and dusk, before dark, being a halachic hour and a quarter before the end of the day), and Maireev is to evening. These are the three daily opportunities to speak with your maker.
Often, in the shuls to which we do not go, Mincha and Mairev are combined. We feel that this is in conflict with Shabbes candle lighting times (which are before sunset), and in any case a contradictory convenience.
One can only take d’avad k’mar avad, u d’avad k’mar avad (acting according to one opinion is to act right, and to act according to the other opinion is also acting right) so far before it becomes self-serving. First Mairev, then Shacharis, then Mincha – you dig?
And don't forget to bentsh licht; siz a mitve, veist."
Well now, I'm glad that's been cleared up, aren't you?
"Shacharis is to morning as Mincha is to afternoon (before sundown, as the Tana Kama says, but Rabbi Yehuda holds farkert, shperring that it may only be until plag Mincha – a twelfth, and a quarter of a twelfth, of the duration between dawn and dusk, before dark, being a halachic hour and a quarter before the end of the day), and Maireev is to evening. These are the three daily opportunities to speak with your maker.
Often, in the shuls to which we do not go, Mincha and Mairev are combined. We feel that this is in conflict with Shabbes candle lighting times (which are before sunset), and in any case a contradictory convenience.
One can only take d’avad k’mar avad, u d’avad k’mar avad (acting according to one opinion is to act right, and to act according to the other opinion is also acting right) so far before it becomes self-serving. First Mairev, then Shacharis, then Mincha – you dig?
And don't forget to bentsh licht; siz a mitve, veist."
Well now, I'm glad that's been cleared up, aren't you?
Monday, November 26, 2007
SHABBES TISH VERTELECH
Something said at Dovbear's shabbes tish reminded me of a text from the as yet uncollected work of the Rabam.
----------------------------------------------
A NEBBISHER TRINKT BALVENIE
The Rabam explained: "I am reminded of a story my holy ancestor the Rebbe of Prolicz heard from the Dubner Maggid, as follows: Yankel, a poor peasant, was forced to move to a large city to pursue his livelihood. As he and his wife were busy unpacking their possessions at their new abode, a local official dropped by, and Yankel invited him in, asking his wife to make something tasty for the important man, and pulling out his last bottle of GlenMorangie to give him a drink. For two hours, the official ate, drank, and conversed with these new residents of the ward, and left at last looking wel-fed, tiddly, and ever so pleased.
A neighbor across the street, having observed much from his front stoop, figured that he would also enjoy a free lunch off these yokels. So, putting on his best clothes, he crosses the street, knocks at the door, and introduces himself, welcoming Yankel “in the name of the gonze gasse”. “How nice”, says Yankel, “a sheynem dank, have a nice day yourself, a gootbai tu yu”, and turns to go back inside. “Aren’t you going to ask me in?” says the neighbor. “Sorry”, says Yankel, “it is quite late, and we still have much to do, perhaps another time”. And slams the door.
A few years later, Yankel has to appear before the local tax commission. Alas, the freeluncher is one of the commissioners. The case drags on a few weeks, and one day, as the freeluncher passes by Yankel’s house, Yankel rushes out, and frantically invites him in, putting delicacies and some very nice Balvenie 24 year old in front of the man. “Well”, says the man, “this is quite a change from a few years ago, when you wouldn’t even give me the time of day…, and now all of a sudden I’m worthy of the same hospitality as that official?” “Of course”, says Yankel, “A few years ago you were just an nebbish looking for a free lunch. Now, however, I need you on my side. So please, eat, drink, enjoy yourself, and be sure to remember me favourably when the time comes to decide my case.”
And so it is with us - we hope Hak-m Kaddoshboruchhu will remember us favourably when the time comes.
Note: A commenter from Fundie writes: but only if we invite HIM in, Tayereh Yuvon in Sukkah, only if we invite him in.
----------------------------------------------
Dubner Maggid = Yakov Ben Wolf Kranz of Dubno (1741 – 1804), an itinerant preacher who illuminated his discourse ad nauseum with meshalim (parables and homilies).----------------------------------------------
ORTHODOX CONVERSION? OR MODERN ORTHODOX?
There was another discussion over at Dovbear's, in which I decided not to participate. It was following a posting by Chaim G. / Knuckle Dragging B. / The Bray of Fundie about a modern orthodox rabbi's opinions regarding the conversion issue - particularly the decision by the Orthodox rabbinic establishment in Israel to no longer accept conversions performed by rabbis in golus who have not been vetted by the Chief Rabbinate.
[This posting here: http://dovbear.blogspot.com/2007/11/reasonable-voice-of-angel.html
Which references this article: http://www.forward.com/article/11985/ ]
My readers will no doubt understand why this is both a matter of great interest, and an issue of supreme indifference. I'll be following the discussion but will maintain silence on the subject.
----------------------------------------------
A NEBBISHER TRINKT BALVENIE
The Rabam explained: "I am reminded of a story my holy ancestor the Rebbe of Prolicz heard from the Dubner Maggid, as follows: Yankel, a poor peasant, was forced to move to a large city to pursue his livelihood. As he and his wife were busy unpacking their possessions at their new abode, a local official dropped by, and Yankel invited him in, asking his wife to make something tasty for the important man, and pulling out his last bottle of GlenMorangie to give him a drink. For two hours, the official ate, drank, and conversed with these new residents of the ward, and left at last looking wel-fed, tiddly, and ever so pleased.
A neighbor across the street, having observed much from his front stoop, figured that he would also enjoy a free lunch off these yokels. So, putting on his best clothes, he crosses the street, knocks at the door, and introduces himself, welcoming Yankel “in the name of the gonze gasse”. “How nice”, says Yankel, “a sheynem dank, have a nice day yourself, a gootbai tu yu”, and turns to go back inside. “Aren’t you going to ask me in?” says the neighbor. “Sorry”, says Yankel, “it is quite late, and we still have much to do, perhaps another time”. And slams the door.
A few years later, Yankel has to appear before the local tax commission. Alas, the freeluncher is one of the commissioners. The case drags on a few weeks, and one day, as the freeluncher passes by Yankel’s house, Yankel rushes out, and frantically invites him in, putting delicacies and some very nice Balvenie 24 year old in front of the man. “Well”, says the man, “this is quite a change from a few years ago, when you wouldn’t even give me the time of day…, and now all of a sudden I’m worthy of the same hospitality as that official?” “Of course”, says Yankel, “A few years ago you were just an nebbish looking for a free lunch. Now, however, I need you on my side. So please, eat, drink, enjoy yourself, and be sure to remember me favourably when the time comes to decide my case.”
And so it is with us - we hope Hak-m Kaddoshboruchhu will remember us favourably when the time comes.
Note: A commenter from Fundie writes: but only if we invite HIM in, Tayereh Yuvon in Sukkah, only if we invite him in.
----------------------------------------------
Dubner Maggid = Yakov Ben Wolf Kranz of Dubno (1741 – 1804), an itinerant preacher who illuminated his discourse ad nauseum with meshalim (parables and homilies).----------------------------------------------
ORTHODOX CONVERSION? OR MODERN ORTHODOX?
There was another discussion over at Dovbear's, in which I decided not to participate. It was following a posting by Chaim G. / Knuckle Dragging B. / The Bray of Fundie about a modern orthodox rabbi's opinions regarding the conversion issue - particularly the decision by the Orthodox rabbinic establishment in Israel to no longer accept conversions performed by rabbis in golus who have not been vetted by the Chief Rabbinate.
[This posting here: http://dovbear.blogspot.com/2007/11/reasonable-voice-of-angel.html
Which references this article: http://www.forward.com/article/11985/ ]
My readers will no doubt understand why this is both a matter of great interest, and an issue of supreme indifference. I'll be following the discussion but will maintain silence on the subject.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
EVERY WORD IS TRUE
Four fundamental ikkarim:
On Har Sinai Moshe received a copy of the Vilna Shas and the complete Mikraos Gedolos.[On Har Sinai Moshe also received a black hat, a beckishe, and chulent; "Ir solt essn tsholnt" was written on the original tablets, but they broke.]
Soon after Akiva started learning Torah he was introduced to the Gemarah, at which point he was pleased and amazed to discover that he would one day engage in argument with some guy named Tarfon.
Rashi is always right.
[If Rashi is proven wrong, chosvesholom, please repeat these ikkarim, starting with the first. You'll be surprised at how soon you can overlook Rashi being wrong. There now, wasn't that comforting?]
Midrash is always literal, and always history.
Dovbear disagrees with the above. And it disagrees with him.
There is a similar nauseating relationship between some of his readers and him as there is between him and the above. You could draw a Venn-diagram. Or you could rush over to the post in question, tzitzis aflutter and payes quivering in outrage, to contribute your shekeleim worth to the discourse. It is here: http://dovbear.blogspot.com/2007/08/some-questions-for-ed-bray-yus-and.html
Personally, I believe that if you disagree, the inquisition will burn you at the stake.
Oh wait. That's the Christian response.
Very well then, if you disagree, you'll be put in cherem, your parents will say kaddish and rend a garment, you'll be cast out to wander the lonely roads of middle Europe, and you'll snuff it in one of the many civil wars of the period.
----------------------------------------------
The world is not round, it is actually Burrito-shaped.
On Har Sinai Moshe received a copy of the Vilna Shas and the complete Mikraos Gedolos.[On Har Sinai Moshe also received a black hat, a beckishe, and chulent; "Ir solt essn tsholnt" was written on the original tablets, but they broke.]
Soon after Akiva started learning Torah he was introduced to the Gemarah, at which point he was pleased and amazed to discover that he would one day engage in argument with some guy named Tarfon.
Rashi is always right.
[If Rashi is proven wrong, chosvesholom, please repeat these ikkarim, starting with the first. You'll be surprised at how soon you can overlook Rashi being wrong. There now, wasn't that comforting?]
Midrash is always literal, and always history.
Dovbear disagrees with the above. And it disagrees with him.
There is a similar nauseating relationship between some of his readers and him as there is between him and the above. You could draw a Venn-diagram. Or you could rush over to the post in question, tzitzis aflutter and payes quivering in outrage, to contribute your shekeleim worth to the discourse. It is here: http://dovbear.blogspot.com/2007/08/some-questions-for-ed-bray-yus-and.html
Personally, I believe that if you disagree, the inquisition will burn you at the stake.
Oh wait. That's the Christian response.
Very well then, if you disagree, you'll be put in cherem, your parents will say kaddish and rend a garment, you'll be cast out to wander the lonely roads of middle Europe, and you'll snuff it in one of the many civil wars of the period.
----------------------------------------------
The world is not round, it is actually Burrito-shaped.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
MINHAG LIBERATION FRONT
Rav Ovadia Yosef (ROY), spiritual head of SHAS, recently said: "women should not listen to the voice of their mothers or grandmothers".
This in the context of when the shabbeslichten-brocha should be said.
He paskens that it should be BEFORE lighting the candles, and states that any opinion otherwise was merely the idea of "a few stupid women. A woman's knowledge is only in sewing --- women should find other jobs and make hamin but not deal with matters of Torah."
[For article, see here:
http://www.jpost.com/servlet/Satellite?cid=1185789791242&pagename=JPost%2FJPArticle%2FShowFull.
It been discussed at great length on the ursine blog (see here: http://dovbear.blogspot.com/2007/07/rabbi-ovadias-latest-outrage.html) with both the pros and cons debated in detail.
The argument for bentshing before kindling is that with all other broches one says them before the act one is blessing (a blessing performed post-facto being a brocha levatulah, in this case al pi Rambam), the argument for bentshing afterward is that kindling is issur on shabbes, and saying the blessing makes one mekabel shabbes - in addition to it being a custom of long standing that the lighting precedes the brocha. Both the Ben Ish Chai and the ReMA hold the latter view. And it should be noted that lighting the candles must be done before sundown, hence the practice is to anticipate shabbes, just as with havdalah we seek to prolong the sense of sacred time.]
THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!
He's bashing the minhag of pretty much the entire world!
And how typical!
Minhag bashing is something only a Jew could do.
Friends, comrades, chaverim, let us stand up for the rights of oppressed minhagim everywhere - please join the 'Minhag Liberation Front' today. Give me your personal data (in the comments section, helpfully left blank for your benefit), and let me know how much you are pledging to this noble cause (US currency only, please).
On behalf of minhagim everywhere (and, it is hoped, especially in Tahiti and Bora Bora for an extended period of time) I thank you in advance. You are all doing a great thing.
This in the context of when the shabbeslichten-brocha should be said.
He paskens that it should be BEFORE lighting the candles, and states that any opinion otherwise was merely the idea of "a few stupid women. A woman's knowledge is only in sewing --- women should find other jobs and make hamin but not deal with matters of Torah."
[For article, see here:
http://www.jpost.com/servlet/Satellite?cid=1185789791242&pagename=JPost%2FJPArticle%2FShowFull.
It been discussed at great length on the ursine blog (see here: http://dovbear.blogspot.com/2007/07/rabbi-ovadias-latest-outrage.html) with both the pros and cons debated in detail.
The argument for bentshing before kindling is that with all other broches one says them before the act one is blessing (a blessing performed post-facto being a brocha levatulah, in this case al pi Rambam), the argument for bentshing afterward is that kindling is issur on shabbes, and saying the blessing makes one mekabel shabbes - in addition to it being a custom of long standing that the lighting precedes the brocha. Both the Ben Ish Chai and the ReMA hold the latter view. And it should be noted that lighting the candles must be done before sundown, hence the practice is to anticipate shabbes, just as with havdalah we seek to prolong the sense of sacred time.]
THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!
He's bashing the minhag of pretty much the entire world!
And how typical!
Minhag bashing is something only a Jew could do.
Friends, comrades, chaverim, let us stand up for the rights of oppressed minhagim everywhere - please join the 'Minhag Liberation Front' today. Give me your personal data (in the comments section, helpfully left blank for your benefit), and let me know how much you are pledging to this noble cause (US currency only, please).
On behalf of minhagim everywhere (and, it is hoped, especially in Tahiti and Bora Bora for an extended period of time) I thank you in advance. You are all doing a great thing.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
THE WISDOM OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEIN REGARDING KRETCHMUTCH
[Note: two errors spotted by attentive readers (one at 4:55 pm, the other at 5:03 pm) have been corrected. Thank you. If anyone spots any other factual errors, pleas let me know. Errors of snarkiness can be debated in the comments. If I like what you say, I'll steal it.]
You guys are so lucky that Yeshiva Chipas Emmess sends out these lectures. Spreading lomdus is a mitzvah, you should be so grateful.
[For the full Yeshiva Chipas Emmess experience, and all the lectures by Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein soll sein gazunt, see here: http://www.geocities.com/npoj8/index.html Go on, click. You know you want to. You lust after wisdom, you beheimah.]
Below, for your pleasure and edification, is the Christmas Drasha of Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein, soll sein gazunt, rosh yeshiva, soll sein gazunter.
CHRISTMAS DRASHA
WITH THE COMMENTARY OF THE RABAM
12/21/06
CHRISTMAS DRASHA
Christmas = Nittel. A Russian celebration during which the Cossacks get drunk and drive their sleighs into the wall of the shul next door. Repeatedly, and at great speed. Whereupon they invite themselves in, and continue their celebration with the Rabbi’s liquor cabinet, before borrowing your station wagon for a middle of the night drive to Bayonne.
Nittel used to be celebrated in January, but since the revolution it has been celebrated a few days after the solstice.
Our minhag is to play chess that night - there are so many malicious spirits about on nitel night that we couldn’t possibly lern Toireh or Talmud, for fear that our good friends the Cossacks might come to an accident.
Rabbi Yoichanan Ben Zakai, in a Braisa brought down in Maseches Airuvin, asks: What is the true mitzvah of Christmas? Is it to share the joy, the festivities, the gift-giving, and the spirit of good will towards all men? Or is it to go to a matinee, pay half price, and stay the hell off the street until the goyim sober up?
Yochanan Ben Zakkai = A close friend and chavrusa of Rish Lakish, whom Yochanan treasured because he challenged everything that Yochanan said, testing his logic and his reason till it was watertight – we all need such a chavrusa.
Oh, wait - DTL tells me that was Rebbi Yôhhonon bar Nappohho (Sepphoris, then Tiberias; died in 279 CE), not Rabbon Yôhhonon ben Zakkai (Jerusalem, then Jamnia; died around 80 CE).
[Crap, these Chazalic names are all so confusing! Why couldn't Chazal have nice normal names like Dovbear, or XGH, or Margavriel, or Steg, or Jameel, or Tafka?]
Rabbi Yochanan Ben Zakkai used to say, "If you have learnt much Torah, do not reckon it as merit, because for that purpose you were created."
Rabbi Yochanan Ben Zakkai dictated the Zohar to Rabbi Abba on his deathbed, expiring on the thirty-third day of the Omer (thirty three days after Peysach). On that day, the sun stood still, to give Rabbi Yochanan time to finish, and fire burst out all around the house where Rabbi Yochanan and his talmedim were gathered. With the last word, a brilliant light enveloped the building and Rabbi Yochanan’s soul returned to the Master of the world.
Oh, wait..... that's ALSO some other dude. Shoot, all those names look alike.
The Zohar was written by Shimeon BarYohai, who spent thirteen years in a cave, at the end of which time he probably heard voices. Shimeon was reincarnated by Moishe Ben ShemTov DeLeon, a Castillian charlatan, between 1250 and 1305. His latest incarnation is as Madonna Louise Ciccone (b. 1958), who after a sex-change operation renamed himself Esther.
Beraisa = ‘On the outside’; a statement or argument not included in the Mishna, but of equally ancient ancestry, often written in one of the extra-mishnaic works, such as the Tosefta, the Mechilta, Sifra, and Sifrei.
Often Beraisos are included as annotations or margin notes in Talmudic commentaries.
Tosefta = Supplement; a compilation of the oral law, like the Mishna, and from roughly the same era. It was compiled by Rabbi Hiyya and Rabbi Oshayah, whereas the Mishna was compiled by Yehudah HaNasi (Judah the prince, a scholar descended from Melech Dovid), a leader of the talmidish olam in the second century CE who is accorded such stature that he is also referred to as Rebbi (my teacher) and Rabbeinu HaKadosh (our saintly rabbi).
Mechilta = Two separate books are meant: Mechilta Dhe Rabbi Ishmael, and Mechilta Dhe Rabbi Shimon Ben Yohai. Both are exegetical midrashim on Bereishis.
Sifra = A third century CE commentary on the Mishna, of uncertain authority and authorship.
Sifre = Halachic exegesis on Seifer Bamidbar (Numbers) and Seifer Dvarim (Deuteronomy).
What has come down to us is not the full corpus, parts are clearly missing, and the Talmud references parts which were changed or lost.
Maseches Eruvin = Blendings; second tractate of Seder Mo’ed in the Bavli.
The twelve tractates of Seder Mo’ed are Shabbes (Sabbath laws and Chanuka; #1), Eruvin, (blendings, and permissible Sabbath space; #2), Peysachim (leavening, pascal sacrifice, and the seder; #3), Beitza (egg; food which may be prepared on festivals; #4), Hagiga (feasting; offerings during festivals; #5), Mo’ed Koton (minor times; intermediate festival days; #6), Rosh Ha Shana (New Year; #7), Ta’anis (fasts, and self-deprivation; #8), Yoma (day – Yom Kippur; #9), Sukko (booth – feast of tabernacles; #10), Shekelim (tithing and sacrifice-contributions; #11), and finally Megilla (which is about Purim; #12).
This line of questioning echoes a story of Eliyahu Hanavi, as he faced down the priests of Baal on Har Carmel. As they each brought sacrifices and rejoiced in their Avoidah Zarah, Eliyahu chose to sit on the side and clip coupons, rather than participate. And when it came time to show the power of the Aimishteh, Eliyahu chose to consume all the priests with fire, rather than pay to provide refreshments for everyone.
Eliyahu HaNovi = Elijah the Prophet. The name Elijah translates as ‘my god is lord’. His nickname, from his place of origin, is ‘the Tishbite’ (haTishbi). A rabble-rouser and bad-influence, you don’t want your children to play with him.
His period of exile in the wilderness is oddly echoed in the tale of John the Baptist, who was fed by crows while living in the wilds near the river Jordan (as, indeed, much of the Kristic mythos is a conscious echoing of well known themes from Hebrew scripture - as Koheles says, there is nothing new under the sun, and all is vanity).
Eliyahu HaNovi left the world of the living in a fiery chariot, pulled by flaming horses, which came from the sky to lift him up. It is said that when the Moshiach comes, his imminent arrival will be announced by the return of Eliyahu, for whom we fill a cup and leave a space each peysach, and for whom a chair is provided at each bris, in the hopes that mirtzeshem it should happen soon and in our lifetime.
According to the RAN, this story captures the essential dilemma of ambivalence we all feel at this time of year. All year long we function as a part of external secular society, with our own traditions and peculiarities accepted in an air of viva la differance. But at Christmas time we are not Battul BeShishim; we stand out as the minority that we are.
The Ran = Rabbeinu Nisim Ben Rav Reuven Girondi (d. ~1380), whose supercommentary on the mefarsh of the Rif (Rabbi Yitzhak El Fassi, 1013 – 1103) is printed in the back of the Gemoro, along with the Rosh (Rabbi Asher Ben Yechiel, 1250 – 1328). Every student encounters these three with regularity, and learns to appreciate the interplay of their reasoning and thought processes.
Battel be shishim = Annulled by (as less than one part in) sixty, a point at which contamination of food is considered negated, EXCEPT during peysach. During Peysach, any contamination, no matter how minute, disqualifies the substance thus polluted, which must be discarded as unfit.
Assimilation can only go so far – comes a point when we have to say ‘include me out’. We are to be separate, bein ha goyim – that’s why country clubs and retail pricing exist.
According to some authorities, the use of the phrase ‘Happy Holidays’ betrays one’s status as a secular humanistic Sodom-and-Gomorah lifestyle adhering liberal pinko commie (meaning, in this context, a Jew) – so it is recommended that instead of wishing someone a happy holiday, you merely grunt sincerely.
If someone tries to press the issue by insisting ‘merry Kratchmatch’, you may respond with a heartfelt ‘bah humbug’ (a neutral and traditional sentiment uttered at this time of year).
Or more grunting.
The minority that we are = Why is this said? Because Krutchmitch celebrates the birthday of Mithras, a Persian prophet, at the end of six days of orgies in Rome marking the solstice (it used to be called Saturnalia). Even if the followers of Yushka had not opportunistically grabbed the holiday as soon as the previous users had left, we would feel a little put off – the Persians tried to whack us several times, then the Romans tried to exterminate us.
Perhaps because this strange idolatrous Perso-Roman amalgam is NOT our first choice of inclusionary celebrations our ancestors ignored the advertising campaign and refused the free action figures.
Either that or tacky plastic figurines in red bekeshes remind us too much of those neighbors we can’t stand, despite having our ears to the wall all day Saturday listening to the game on their television, the heathens, and grunt sincerely whenever they greet us.
Mithras = The saviour deity of a syncretist Graeco-Persian mystery religion which competed with Christianity for the disaffected vote. Mitra was the intermediary between mortals and Ahura Mazda (the benevolent creator of all that is good), and protected adherents against Ahriman (the evil spirit). His sect was wide-spread in the Roman military, appealing to loyalists of Rome as well as mercenaries striving for honour. Very Roman.
The Roman military, in mittn drinnen, were psychopaths.
It is remarkable how many correspondences there are in the Kristic haggadah to Mithraist themes: three wise guys, a star in the east, divinely ‘inspired’ pregnancy, a mother of utter purity, miraculous childhood, disappearance for several years, disputations with priests, and a miraculous ascent, to name just a very few. There is nothing new under the sun, and all of this is utter vanity.
One could certainly think of Yushkism as a syncretic Hebreo-Persian corollary to Mithraism, a version of Zoroastrianism more tailored to stiff-necked rebels against Rome than to the troops sent to deal with uppity Jews of whatever stripe. Which it may very well have been, given the times and the tendency towards cultural fusion, contamination, and overlapping idolatries.
But no wonder so many Roman legionnaires converted – they were very confused, takkeh.
And psychopaths.
Did I mention that Koheles says there is nothing new under the sun?
It is davka because of all the avoideh zara going around in this period that Eliyahu Hanovi, being mamesh filled with bile, had the prophets of Baal put to death after besting them in a magic-competition on Mount Carmel.
Yet, we needn't abandon this Yuntif entirely, given our myriad connections to it:
- Jesus was, of course, a Jew. Indeed, a medrish in Matthew Rabbah refers to him using a cell phone in a movie theatre and taking Mary Magdolyn on a shidduch date for drinks at the local Marriot;
"Jesus was, of course, a Jew" = Wow! Am I surprised (I thought he was a min, or even a koifer ba ikker). And what a coincidence that he was born on the same day as Mithras!
Maybe they just couldn’t remember the exact day, and arbitrarily decided that a popular heathen feast-day was as good a day as any to celebrate a birthday – no work, lots of parties to go to, and a good old-fashioned bean-feed to cap it off.
Lots of bishel akum, some wine, and some really hot shiksas.
Of course, the fact that he didn’t graduate from yeshiva and make a good shidduch was also an excuse for high drama. That, and his evident denial of the fundamentals (ikkerim) of his faith (emunah). Amongst which are the non-mortality, the indescribability, and the indivisible unity of Hashem.
So imagine, if you will, a woman named Miriyam wailing: "I have no son! He’s dead, do you hear me, dead!"[I would’ve thought it much better to have her echo Yakov’s lament, when he was told that Yoisef had snuffed it; "Alas, I will go down to She’ol to my son, in utter sorrow" (Seifer Bereishis, Parshas Vayeishev (and he settled), psook (verse) 37:35).
But then, I’m not in the business of inventing a religion, and heck, she may have been told that there was no body and no proof - ‘have-us a corpus, or not have-us a corpus, that is the question’.]
Alternatively, kvelling over him besting his teachers at arguing Talmud-Torah.
And that rumour of Mary Magdalene being a prostitute sounds exactly like what a disappointed mother would say about that shiksa her son was seeing. Mary Magdalene was probably blonde.
It is said that when the children of Chassidim and Misnagdim marry, both parents mourn for the dead.
How much more so Kratchmachnikim and people.
Nearly two millennia later, and we’re still hearing about that woman’s ‘precious’ son.
Yikes.
- Christmas tree lights are a modern day expression on the ancient Germanic festival of lights commemorating the winter solstice. This, in itself, is partly reflected in the lighting of the Chanukah candles;
Ancient Germanic festival = Bringing dead pine-trees into the house is a recipe for disaster – there’s already a fire-hazard with the flame under the blech left on full bore over shabbes, ober mit an etz-kretshmatsh, dos gonze hoys volt gehn in flammen oyf.
Yule, by the way, the ancient Germanic festival referenced above, had Indo-European roots – hence the somewhat similar celebration in ancient Persia, also at the time of the solstice.
And, like peysach, Persians still celebrate the beginning of spring as the new year, and serve a fruit and nut compote as a festive dish, along with several symbolic foods in a dining ritual, reminiscent of the charoses we eat during chag ha aviv and the tiefe symbolizmuz of our own seder.
Might that mean that our yomim tovim are mere echoes or mirrorings of the chagim ha goyim?
Absolutely not!
And chasvechollileh!
The Zohar asserts that certain times of the year are mesugal that certain events have to happen then.
Pesach happened when it did because at that time of the year we have the shtarke tendenz of cheirus. Mimeila yetzios mitzrayim, b'hechrach.
At the end of the summer, the Shaarei Rachamim are especially open, and that time is mesugal for teshuvah – hence Yoim Kippur and the other Yomim Noraim.
This time of year normal people have a tiefe teivah for Chinese food.
- Christmas is a celebration of...RETAIL. According to the RAMBAM's Mishnah Toirah, one of the key Mitzvois Asei SheHazman Gerammah is the raising of ALL prices by 20% between December 10th and December 24th. Boruch Hashem for Kratzmach -- this Yuntif pays for my kids' Yeshivah tuition! Indeed, all of my talmidim are encouraged to contribute
to a Christmas fund for families who cannot afford toys, the Kratzmach Gemach, so that Jewish merchants will not suffer because the Goyim are in the middle of a recession.
The end of the civil year is mesugal for retail. We are zoiche to benefit from that, as indeed iz dos gonze oilam, baruch Hashem. It is an ungezetste tzeit, what better way to clear your karma than by buying geshenkn fur di gonze mishpoche – especially if you lack the kidooshah and nemonus to withstand advertising.
And with winter broken, the entire family can help in the store. A great yuntif.
- There is a famous Mishnah that states that just as Roish Hashanah is the New Year for the universe and Tu BiShvat is the New Year for trees, Christmas is the New Year for big, fat, bearded white guys. And I know many Rabbanim in our community who should therefore celebrate this Yuntif too.
Roish Hashanah, Tu Bishvat = Two new years festivals – Roish Hashanah takes place in autumn, Tu Bishvat in winter.
There is a famous Maiseh SheHoya about the Lubavitcher Rebbe. In an effort to raise money for vodka for his Chasidim one year, he dressed up as Santa Clause and stood in front of the local Bloomingdales, pretending to be from the Salvation Army. Who should walk by, but his archenemy, the Satmar Rebbe.
Lubavitcher = Adherents of the Chassidic lineage founded by Rav Shneur Zalman (1745 – 1813) of Liadi, a student of the Maggid of Mezzeritch Rav Dov Baer (1710 – 1772), who was taught by the Ba’al Shem Tov Rabbi Yisroel Ben Eliezer (1698 – 1760).
Satmar Rebbe = The Krulyer rebbe, Rav Yoel Teitelbaum (1887 – 1979), a descendant of the Yismach Moishe (Rav Moishe Teitelbaum, 1759 – 1841), who became Rebbe of Satmar in Hungary in 1929, and rebuilt Satmar Chassidus in the U.S. after WWII.
"So, Menachem-Mendel," the Satmar Rebbe declared in a loud voice, "Your movement truly has evolved into another religion."
Evolved into another religion = An accusation first made by the misnagdim about Chassidus. But who listens to them? They have charismatic rebbes? Teevee preachers? Madonna?
"Not at all," the Lubavitcher Rebbe calmly replied. "We simply never miss an opportunity to find joy. What do you say you and I do a couple of shots, sing a niggun, and make-up underneath the mistletoe?"
Niggun = A song with words of no particular meaning, or great particular meaning, often having a supra-textual meaning not immediately clear from the lyrics. Very Chassidish – when you’re happy, sing and dance. When you’re sad, sing and dance. Song and dance, in that they lift the spirit out of the ordinary, are a form of devotion.
Cynics say that a Rebbe with scant talent for mussar (didactic moral Torah lecture) will instead urge his chossidim to sing niggunim around the shabbes-tish. Yet others have said that only a great tzadik can compose an effective niggun, because only such a man can instill a complete sermon into pure emotion.
It is also said that a great Rebbe will infuse a mitzvah-tanz with all that is in the Torah, and perform with great spiritual grace at the chassunah, whereas an unexceptional Rebbe merely infuses it with the meaning of the Sears Catalogue, and crashes into the kallah.
You had to be there.
The Satmar Rebbe was so upset by the confrontation that day, he insisted that all of his followers use reindeer meat in their cholent that shabbos.
"When Father Kratchmatch’s son was born in the garage, native herdsmen came around with reindeer, and the Kingston Trio with da ganja, da spleeve, and da bong. Tiny Tim roasted a lamb, and they all got shikker on eggnog because there was no rum at the inn."
You wouldn’t believe the superstition and bobe-meises my youngest comes home with this time of year! Almost as if she was tinoke she nishba bein ha goyim. Urrrghh!
Cholent = A very dangerous dish made with meat, lentils, onions, spices, which is stuck into an oven on low over Friday night, so that, as is a mitzvah to us, we may partake of a hot meal and acid-reflux on Saturday afternoon. Only those zoiche to be nifter are excused, everybody else gets a shot of Pepso-Bishmoil.
Meanwhile, the Lubavitcher Rebbe raised enough money to keep his Chasidim drunk through the end of the month of Tayvais. That night, the Reboinoisheloilum came to him in a dream. "Rebbe," the Aimishteh said, "Have I not given you enough to celebrate in Yiddishkeit? Why are you and your followers embracing another religion?"
Embracing another religion = Did someone say that the Rebbe was the Moshiach Ben Dovid? But there are also those who hold that the Rebbe was Moshiach Ben Yoisif. Both beliefs are meshune, to say the least.
Ober voss iz mit a nomen? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
"But Hakkadoshbaruchhu," the Lubavitcher Rebbe responded, "we have not strayed from Yiddishkeit. It's not as if any of my Chasidim will ever embrace the concept of resurrection or anything like that."
Resurrection or anything = Instead, some doubt that he died. But thousands of others attended the funeral, and heard the hesped. There is scant room for doubt, though there’s always room for denial and years and years of therapy.
Damn’ hippies.
So we have a lot more in common with Christmas than we originally thought. We should therefore neither ignore the holiday nor treat it with disrespect. Rather, we should treat it as the money making opportunity that it truly is.
Sell them dreidels.
Ah Gutten Yuntif, You Mechutziff.
Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Rosheshiva
Yeshiva Chipas Emmess
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COMING REALLY, REALLY SOON, THOUGH NOT IN TIME FOR CHAG HaYUSHKAH, YOU MECHUTZIFF -- VOLUME ONE OF THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEIN, WITH THE PUBLICATION SUPPORT OF THE RAGU AND THE COMMENTARY OF THE RABAM SHLITA.
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Note: Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein soll sein gazunt is the Rosheshiva of the East Coast campus, the Rabam is a notorious drunkard in San Fra...., errrmm, I mean administers the West Coast campus, located in beautiful downtown San Francisco. Inquire about tuition. Takka mamesh a mitzva, sey gazunt. Bli neder.
You guys are so lucky that Yeshiva Chipas Emmess sends out these lectures. Spreading lomdus is a mitzvah, you should be so grateful.
[For the full Yeshiva Chipas Emmess experience, and all the lectures by Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein soll sein gazunt, see here: http://www.geocities.com/npoj8/index.html Go on, click. You know you want to. You lust after wisdom, you beheimah.]
Below, for your pleasure and edification, is the Christmas Drasha of Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein, soll sein gazunt, rosh yeshiva, soll sein gazunter.
CHRISTMAS DRASHA
WITH THE COMMENTARY OF THE RABAM
12/21/06
CHRISTMAS DRASHA
Christmas = Nittel. A Russian celebration during which the Cossacks get drunk and drive their sleighs into the wall of the shul next door. Repeatedly, and at great speed. Whereupon they invite themselves in, and continue their celebration with the Rabbi’s liquor cabinet, before borrowing your station wagon for a middle of the night drive to Bayonne.
Nittel used to be celebrated in January, but since the revolution it has been celebrated a few days after the solstice.
Our minhag is to play chess that night - there are so many malicious spirits about on nitel night that we couldn’t possibly lern Toireh or Talmud, for fear that our good friends the Cossacks might come to an accident.
Rabbi Yoichanan Ben Zakai, in a Braisa brought down in Maseches Airuvin, asks: What is the true mitzvah of Christmas? Is it to share the joy, the festivities, the gift-giving, and the spirit of good will towards all men? Or is it to go to a matinee, pay half price, and stay the hell off the street until the goyim sober up?
Yochanan Ben Zakkai = A close friend and chavrusa of Rish Lakish, whom Yochanan treasured because he challenged everything that Yochanan said, testing his logic and his reason till it was watertight – we all need such a chavrusa.
Oh, wait - DTL tells me that was Rebbi Yôhhonon bar Nappohho (Sepphoris, then Tiberias; died in 279 CE), not Rabbon Yôhhonon ben Zakkai (Jerusalem, then Jamnia; died around 80 CE).
[Crap, these Chazalic names are all so confusing! Why couldn't Chazal have nice normal names like Dovbear, or XGH, or Margavriel, or Steg, or Jameel, or Tafka?]
Rabbi Yochanan Ben Zakkai used to say, "If you have learnt much Torah, do not reckon it as merit, because for that purpose you were created."
Rabbi Yochanan Ben Zakkai dictated the Zohar to Rabbi Abba on his deathbed, expiring on the thirty-third day of the Omer (thirty three days after Peysach). On that day, the sun stood still, to give Rabbi Yochanan time to finish, and fire burst out all around the house where Rabbi Yochanan and his talmedim were gathered. With the last word, a brilliant light enveloped the building and Rabbi Yochanan’s soul returned to the Master of the world.
Oh, wait..... that's ALSO some other dude. Shoot, all those names look alike.
The Zohar was written by Shimeon BarYohai, who spent thirteen years in a cave, at the end of which time he probably heard voices. Shimeon was reincarnated by Moishe Ben ShemTov DeLeon, a Castillian charlatan, between 1250 and 1305. His latest incarnation is as Madonna Louise Ciccone (b. 1958), who after a sex-change operation renamed himself Esther.
Beraisa = ‘On the outside’; a statement or argument not included in the Mishna, but of equally ancient ancestry, often written in one of the extra-mishnaic works, such as the Tosefta, the Mechilta, Sifra, and Sifrei.
Often Beraisos are included as annotations or margin notes in Talmudic commentaries.
Tosefta = Supplement; a compilation of the oral law, like the Mishna, and from roughly the same era. It was compiled by Rabbi Hiyya and Rabbi Oshayah, whereas the Mishna was compiled by Yehudah HaNasi (Judah the prince, a scholar descended from Melech Dovid), a leader of the talmidish olam in the second century CE who is accorded such stature that he is also referred to as Rebbi (my teacher) and Rabbeinu HaKadosh (our saintly rabbi).
Mechilta = Two separate books are meant: Mechilta Dhe Rabbi Ishmael, and Mechilta Dhe Rabbi Shimon Ben Yohai. Both are exegetical midrashim on Bereishis.
Sifra = A third century CE commentary on the Mishna, of uncertain authority and authorship.
Sifre = Halachic exegesis on Seifer Bamidbar (Numbers) and Seifer Dvarim (Deuteronomy).
What has come down to us is not the full corpus, parts are clearly missing, and the Talmud references parts which were changed or lost.
Maseches Eruvin = Blendings; second tractate of Seder Mo’ed in the Bavli.
The twelve tractates of Seder Mo’ed are Shabbes (Sabbath laws and Chanuka; #1), Eruvin, (blendings, and permissible Sabbath space; #2), Peysachim (leavening, pascal sacrifice, and the seder; #3), Beitza (egg; food which may be prepared on festivals; #4), Hagiga (feasting; offerings during festivals; #5), Mo’ed Koton (minor times; intermediate festival days; #6), Rosh Ha Shana (New Year; #7), Ta’anis (fasts, and self-deprivation; #8), Yoma (day – Yom Kippur; #9), Sukko (booth – feast of tabernacles; #10), Shekelim (tithing and sacrifice-contributions; #11), and finally Megilla (which is about Purim; #12).
This line of questioning echoes a story of Eliyahu Hanavi, as he faced down the priests of Baal on Har Carmel. As they each brought sacrifices and rejoiced in their Avoidah Zarah, Eliyahu chose to sit on the side and clip coupons, rather than participate. And when it came time to show the power of the Aimishteh, Eliyahu chose to consume all the priests with fire, rather than pay to provide refreshments for everyone.
Eliyahu HaNovi = Elijah the Prophet. The name Elijah translates as ‘my god is lord’. His nickname, from his place of origin, is ‘the Tishbite’ (haTishbi). A rabble-rouser and bad-influence, you don’t want your children to play with him.
His period of exile in the wilderness is oddly echoed in the tale of John the Baptist, who was fed by crows while living in the wilds near the river Jordan (as, indeed, much of the Kristic mythos is a conscious echoing of well known themes from Hebrew scripture - as Koheles says, there is nothing new under the sun, and all is vanity).
Eliyahu HaNovi left the world of the living in a fiery chariot, pulled by flaming horses, which came from the sky to lift him up. It is said that when the Moshiach comes, his imminent arrival will be announced by the return of Eliyahu, for whom we fill a cup and leave a space each peysach, and for whom a chair is provided at each bris, in the hopes that mirtzeshem it should happen soon and in our lifetime.
According to the RAN, this story captures the essential dilemma of ambivalence we all feel at this time of year. All year long we function as a part of external secular society, with our own traditions and peculiarities accepted in an air of viva la differance. But at Christmas time we are not Battul BeShishim; we stand out as the minority that we are.
The Ran = Rabbeinu Nisim Ben Rav Reuven Girondi (d. ~1380), whose supercommentary on the mefarsh of the Rif (Rabbi Yitzhak El Fassi, 1013 – 1103) is printed in the back of the Gemoro, along with the Rosh (Rabbi Asher Ben Yechiel, 1250 – 1328). Every student encounters these three with regularity, and learns to appreciate the interplay of their reasoning and thought processes.
Battel be shishim = Annulled by (as less than one part in) sixty, a point at which contamination of food is considered negated, EXCEPT during peysach. During Peysach, any contamination, no matter how minute, disqualifies the substance thus polluted, which must be discarded as unfit.
Assimilation can only go so far – comes a point when we have to say ‘include me out’. We are to be separate, bein ha goyim – that’s why country clubs and retail pricing exist.
According to some authorities, the use of the phrase ‘Happy Holidays’ betrays one’s status as a secular humanistic Sodom-and-Gomorah lifestyle adhering liberal pinko commie (meaning, in this context, a Jew) – so it is recommended that instead of wishing someone a happy holiday, you merely grunt sincerely.
If someone tries to press the issue by insisting ‘merry Kratchmatch’, you may respond with a heartfelt ‘bah humbug’ (a neutral and traditional sentiment uttered at this time of year).
Or more grunting.
The minority that we are = Why is this said? Because Krutchmitch celebrates the birthday of Mithras, a Persian prophet, at the end of six days of orgies in Rome marking the solstice (it used to be called Saturnalia). Even if the followers of Yushka had not opportunistically grabbed the holiday as soon as the previous users had left, we would feel a little put off – the Persians tried to whack us several times, then the Romans tried to exterminate us.
Perhaps because this strange idolatrous Perso-Roman amalgam is NOT our first choice of inclusionary celebrations our ancestors ignored the advertising campaign and refused the free action figures.
Either that or tacky plastic figurines in red bekeshes remind us too much of those neighbors we can’t stand, despite having our ears to the wall all day Saturday listening to the game on their television, the heathens, and grunt sincerely whenever they greet us.
Mithras = The saviour deity of a syncretist Graeco-Persian mystery religion which competed with Christianity for the disaffected vote. Mitra was the intermediary between mortals and Ahura Mazda (the benevolent creator of all that is good), and protected adherents against Ahriman (the evil spirit). His sect was wide-spread in the Roman military, appealing to loyalists of Rome as well as mercenaries striving for honour. Very Roman.
The Roman military, in mittn drinnen, were psychopaths.
It is remarkable how many correspondences there are in the Kristic haggadah to Mithraist themes: three wise guys, a star in the east, divinely ‘inspired’ pregnancy, a mother of utter purity, miraculous childhood, disappearance for several years, disputations with priests, and a miraculous ascent, to name just a very few. There is nothing new under the sun, and all of this is utter vanity.
One could certainly think of Yushkism as a syncretic Hebreo-Persian corollary to Mithraism, a version of Zoroastrianism more tailored to stiff-necked rebels against Rome than to the troops sent to deal with uppity Jews of whatever stripe. Which it may very well have been, given the times and the tendency towards cultural fusion, contamination, and overlapping idolatries.
But no wonder so many Roman legionnaires converted – they were very confused, takkeh.
And psychopaths.
Did I mention that Koheles says there is nothing new under the sun?
It is davka because of all the avoideh zara going around in this period that Eliyahu Hanovi, being mamesh filled with bile, had the prophets of Baal put to death after besting them in a magic-competition on Mount Carmel.
Yet, we needn't abandon this Yuntif entirely, given our myriad connections to it:
- Jesus was, of course, a Jew. Indeed, a medrish in Matthew Rabbah refers to him using a cell phone in a movie theatre and taking Mary Magdolyn on a shidduch date for drinks at the local Marriot;
"Jesus was, of course, a Jew" = Wow! Am I surprised (I thought he was a min, or even a koifer ba ikker). And what a coincidence that he was born on the same day as Mithras!
Maybe they just couldn’t remember the exact day, and arbitrarily decided that a popular heathen feast-day was as good a day as any to celebrate a birthday – no work, lots of parties to go to, and a good old-fashioned bean-feed to cap it off.
Lots of bishel akum, some wine, and some really hot shiksas.
Of course, the fact that he didn’t graduate from yeshiva and make a good shidduch was also an excuse for high drama. That, and his evident denial of the fundamentals (ikkerim) of his faith (emunah). Amongst which are the non-mortality, the indescribability, and the indivisible unity of Hashem.
So imagine, if you will, a woman named Miriyam wailing: "I have no son! He’s dead, do you hear me, dead!"[I would’ve thought it much better to have her echo Yakov’s lament, when he was told that Yoisef had snuffed it; "Alas, I will go down to She’ol to my son, in utter sorrow" (Seifer Bereishis, Parshas Vayeishev (and he settled), psook (verse) 37:35).
But then, I’m not in the business of inventing a religion, and heck, she may have been told that there was no body and no proof - ‘have-us a corpus, or not have-us a corpus, that is the question’.]
Alternatively, kvelling over him besting his teachers at arguing Talmud-Torah.
And that rumour of Mary Magdalene being a prostitute sounds exactly like what a disappointed mother would say about that shiksa her son was seeing. Mary Magdalene was probably blonde.
It is said that when the children of Chassidim and Misnagdim marry, both parents mourn for the dead.
How much more so Kratchmachnikim and people.
Nearly two millennia later, and we’re still hearing about that woman’s ‘precious’ son.
Yikes.
- Christmas tree lights are a modern day expression on the ancient Germanic festival of lights commemorating the winter solstice. This, in itself, is partly reflected in the lighting of the Chanukah candles;
Ancient Germanic festival = Bringing dead pine-trees into the house is a recipe for disaster – there’s already a fire-hazard with the flame under the blech left on full bore over shabbes, ober mit an etz-kretshmatsh, dos gonze hoys volt gehn in flammen oyf.
Yule, by the way, the ancient Germanic festival referenced above, had Indo-European roots – hence the somewhat similar celebration in ancient Persia, also at the time of the solstice.
And, like peysach, Persians still celebrate the beginning of spring as the new year, and serve a fruit and nut compote as a festive dish, along with several symbolic foods in a dining ritual, reminiscent of the charoses we eat during chag ha aviv and the tiefe symbolizmuz of our own seder.
Might that mean that our yomim tovim are mere echoes or mirrorings of the chagim ha goyim?
Absolutely not!
And chasvechollileh!
The Zohar asserts that certain times of the year are mesugal that certain events have to happen then.
Pesach happened when it did because at that time of the year we have the shtarke tendenz of cheirus. Mimeila yetzios mitzrayim, b'hechrach.
At the end of the summer, the Shaarei Rachamim are especially open, and that time is mesugal for teshuvah – hence Yoim Kippur and the other Yomim Noraim.
This time of year normal people have a tiefe teivah for Chinese food.
- Christmas is a celebration of...RETAIL. According to the RAMBAM's Mishnah Toirah, one of the key Mitzvois Asei SheHazman Gerammah is the raising of ALL prices by 20% between December 10th and December 24th. Boruch Hashem for Kratzmach -- this Yuntif pays for my kids' Yeshivah tuition! Indeed, all of my talmidim are encouraged to contribute
to a Christmas fund for families who cannot afford toys, the Kratzmach Gemach, so that Jewish merchants will not suffer because the Goyim are in the middle of a recession.
The end of the civil year is mesugal for retail. We are zoiche to benefit from that, as indeed iz dos gonze oilam, baruch Hashem. It is an ungezetste tzeit, what better way to clear your karma than by buying geshenkn fur di gonze mishpoche – especially if you lack the kidooshah and nemonus to withstand advertising.
And with winter broken, the entire family can help in the store. A great yuntif.
- There is a famous Mishnah that states that just as Roish Hashanah is the New Year for the universe and Tu BiShvat is the New Year for trees, Christmas is the New Year for big, fat, bearded white guys. And I know many Rabbanim in our community who should therefore celebrate this Yuntif too.
Roish Hashanah, Tu Bishvat = Two new years festivals – Roish Hashanah takes place in autumn, Tu Bishvat in winter.
There is a famous Maiseh SheHoya about the Lubavitcher Rebbe. In an effort to raise money for vodka for his Chasidim one year, he dressed up as Santa Clause and stood in front of the local Bloomingdales, pretending to be from the Salvation Army. Who should walk by, but his archenemy, the Satmar Rebbe.
Lubavitcher = Adherents of the Chassidic lineage founded by Rav Shneur Zalman (1745 – 1813) of Liadi, a student of the Maggid of Mezzeritch Rav Dov Baer (1710 – 1772), who was taught by the Ba’al Shem Tov Rabbi Yisroel Ben Eliezer (1698 – 1760).
Satmar Rebbe = The Krulyer rebbe, Rav Yoel Teitelbaum (1887 – 1979), a descendant of the Yismach Moishe (Rav Moishe Teitelbaum, 1759 – 1841), who became Rebbe of Satmar in Hungary in 1929, and rebuilt Satmar Chassidus in the U.S. after WWII.
"So, Menachem-Mendel," the Satmar Rebbe declared in a loud voice, "Your movement truly has evolved into another religion."
Evolved into another religion = An accusation first made by the misnagdim about Chassidus. But who listens to them? They have charismatic rebbes? Teevee preachers? Madonna?
"Not at all," the Lubavitcher Rebbe calmly replied. "We simply never miss an opportunity to find joy. What do you say you and I do a couple of shots, sing a niggun, and make-up underneath the mistletoe?"
Niggun = A song with words of no particular meaning, or great particular meaning, often having a supra-textual meaning not immediately clear from the lyrics. Very Chassidish – when you’re happy, sing and dance. When you’re sad, sing and dance. Song and dance, in that they lift the spirit out of the ordinary, are a form of devotion.
Cynics say that a Rebbe with scant talent for mussar (didactic moral Torah lecture) will instead urge his chossidim to sing niggunim around the shabbes-tish. Yet others have said that only a great tzadik can compose an effective niggun, because only such a man can instill a complete sermon into pure emotion.
It is also said that a great Rebbe will infuse a mitzvah-tanz with all that is in the Torah, and perform with great spiritual grace at the chassunah, whereas an unexceptional Rebbe merely infuses it with the meaning of the Sears Catalogue, and crashes into the kallah.
You had to be there.
The Satmar Rebbe was so upset by the confrontation that day, he insisted that all of his followers use reindeer meat in their cholent that shabbos.
"When Father Kratchmatch’s son was born in the garage, native herdsmen came around with reindeer, and the Kingston Trio with da ganja, da spleeve, and da bong. Tiny Tim roasted a lamb, and they all got shikker on eggnog because there was no rum at the inn."
You wouldn’t believe the superstition and bobe-meises my youngest comes home with this time of year! Almost as if she was tinoke she nishba bein ha goyim. Urrrghh!
Cholent = A very dangerous dish made with meat, lentils, onions, spices, which is stuck into an oven on low over Friday night, so that, as is a mitzvah to us, we may partake of a hot meal and acid-reflux on Saturday afternoon. Only those zoiche to be nifter are excused, everybody else gets a shot of Pepso-Bishmoil.
Meanwhile, the Lubavitcher Rebbe raised enough money to keep his Chasidim drunk through the end of the month of Tayvais. That night, the Reboinoisheloilum came to him in a dream. "Rebbe," the Aimishteh said, "Have I not given you enough to celebrate in Yiddishkeit? Why are you and your followers embracing another religion?"
Embracing another religion = Did someone say that the Rebbe was the Moshiach Ben Dovid? But there are also those who hold that the Rebbe was Moshiach Ben Yoisif. Both beliefs are meshune, to say the least.
Ober voss iz mit a nomen? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
"But Hakkadoshbaruchhu," the Lubavitcher Rebbe responded, "we have not strayed from Yiddishkeit. It's not as if any of my Chasidim will ever embrace the concept of resurrection or anything like that."
Resurrection or anything = Instead, some doubt that he died. But thousands of others attended the funeral, and heard the hesped. There is scant room for doubt, though there’s always room for denial and years and years of therapy.
Damn’ hippies.
So we have a lot more in common with Christmas than we originally thought. We should therefore neither ignore the holiday nor treat it with disrespect. Rather, we should treat it as the money making opportunity that it truly is.
Sell them dreidels.
Ah Gutten Yuntif, You Mechutziff.
Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein
Rosheshiva
Yeshiva Chipas Emmess
COMING REALLY, REALLY SOON, THOUGH NOT IN TIME FOR CHAG HaYUSHKAH, YOU MECHUTZIFF -- VOLUME ONE OF THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF RABBI PINKY SCHMECKELSTEIN, WITH THE PUBLICATION SUPPORT OF THE RAGU AND THE COMMENTARY OF THE RABAM SHLITA.
-------------------------------------------
Note: Rabbi Pinky Schmeckelstein soll sein gazunt is the Rosheshiva of the East Coast campus, the Rabam is a notorious drunkard in San Fra...., errrmm, I mean administers the West Coast campus, located in beautiful downtown San Francisco. Inquire about tuition. Takka mamesh a mitzva, sey gazunt. Bli neder.
Friday, November 17, 2006
PARSHAS CHAYEI SARAH REVISITED
ALL BEGINNINGS ARE HARD = kol haschalos kashos (Mechilta Shemos 19, Parshas Yisro).
The text underneath relates to Parshas Chayei Sarah. Much of it is from the RABAM, who is Rabbi Pinky Shmeckelstein's collaborator, and Rosheshiva of Yeshiva Chipas Emess West Coast, sometimes located in beautiful downtown San Francisco, sometimes somewhere listening to da steel bands ya man!
You might want to have a bit of bronfen while drinking this - it is deep stuff, and you're gonna need help. Like much of the Rabam's scribbling it only makes sense if you have Rabbi Pinky's drasha in front of you, along with a copy of the Torah.
[And yes, tayere Lakewoodyid, I've cleaned it up!]
RIVKA'S AGE
It was after the passing of his wife that Avraham decided to marry off his son.
[Forty years old, and still living with his father? Achenebbish!]
Rashi postulates that Rivka was an infant, azoi: Sarah Imeinu was 90 when Yitzhok was born, 127 years old when Avrohom and Yitzhak go up the mountain. After the Akeida, Avrohom et famiglia return to Be’er Sheva, then Sarah dies in Chevron, at which time Yitzhak was 37. Then Avrohom hears of the birth of Rivka, who his son Yitzhok will marry in three years.
From this Rashi shpers that Rivka was three years old.
Ibn Ezra, ma she’ein kein, takes a far less meshune tack on this, pointing out (Seder Olam Rabba) that Rivka’s birth is mentioned before Sarah’s death, even though Avrohom only hears about it afterwards. Ibn Ezra further postulates that at least a dozen years passed between the Akeidah and the death of Sarah Imaeinu, and if Rivka was born in the same year as the binding, then she was only thirteen years younger than Yitzhak – not so much a chidush as a much more reasonable assumption.
After all, a three year old is hardly likely to be at the village well drawing buckets of water for the household, giving an elderly gentleman (Eliezer) a tip of a jug for a drink of water, AND watering his camels.
Supporting the belief that Rivka was three years old at the time of her shidduch, Beraishis Rabba 58:2 says ‘Ere Hashem allows the sun of one righteous person to set, He causes the sun of the next righteous person to rise’, which is taken to mean that G-d balanced out the death of Sarah with the birth of Rivka.
But should we really assume so close a match in time?
Probably not. In Bereishis 24:16, Rivka is referred to as a na’arah, which means a girl who has reached the age of sexuality – at least bat mitzvah age, or even older. A girl who would’ve been much more likely to slide down from the camel she was riding when first seeing her future husband, whereas a three year old would’ve probably fallen off and hurt herself (which is not how it is described in this parsha, though in the Gemara...).
A teenager, in other words.
The Vilna Gaon cites Beraishis Rabba 56:11 which says that Yitzhak was 26 years old at the time of the Akeidah, and that Sarah Imaeinu did not die at that time, as it was at the end of the time when Avrohom and his family lived in the land of the Pelishtim, and after that they lived in Chevron for another twelve years. So, if Avrohom heard of Rivka’s birth after the death of our mother Sarah, then Rivka would have indeed been a na’arah.
[But Rashi disagrees, telling us "because through (hearing) the report that her son was bound for slaughter, her soul flew from her and she died. In other words Avraham killed his wife by pretending to kill her son.]
Now note further that Rashi states that 127 years signifies one hundred years of being like the innocence of a twenty year old, and the twenty signifies the beauty of a seven year old.
[The beauty of a seven year old!?!??.]
SARAH'S TOMB
Meuras Ha Machpelah = The cave of Machpelah, which is by the oaks of Mamre asher mipnei Chebron. A choice bit of real-estate owned by Efron the Hittite.
When Avraham made inquiries about the cave on the property of Efron the Hittite, the elders of the community wish to give it to Avraham, but he refused it as gift, instead insisting on purchase, at a fair price, so that thereafter no one can say that he took land, or was dependent upon strangers for the grave of his wife. It is the first part of the Eretz Kadosh owned by the Bnei Yisroel. It is on the Yishmoeli side of the line, and hence disputed over by Arabs, Jews, and Reb David Wilder.
ELIEZER
Avraham sends Eliezer, his steward, to Aram Naharaim (the land of Aram between the rivers: Mesopotamia. Modern Bavel) to find a women among his kinfolk who has all the virtues that a woman who will give birth to the nation of Yisrael will need – a suitable mother of a tribe which will be numerous as the grains of sand and the stars in the sky.
Eliezer travels north-eastward, and comes to a well outside the city. At this point, he is wondering how to complete the task that Avraham set him.
It then says in psook 24:14 "Ve haya ha naara asher omar eleiha hati-na chadech ve eshte ve amra shete ve gam-gemaleicha ashke ota hochachta le avdecha le Yitzhak u va eda ki-asita chesed im-adoni"
(So let it be ordered, that the girl to whom I shall say ‘lower your pitcher, I ask you, that I may drink’ shall say ‘drink, and I will give your camels to drink also"; let this same one be she that you have designated for your servant, for Isaac, and thereby shall I know that you are kind to my master).
Psook 24:15 "va yehi-hu terem kila le daber, ve hine, Rivka yotset asher yulda li Vtuel ben Milka eishet Nachor achi Avraham ve chada al-shichma"
(And so it happened that before he had finished speaking, that, lo, Rebekah came out, who was born to Bethuel, the son of Milcah, the wife of Nahor, Abraham's brother, with her pitcher on her shoulder).
Psook 24:16 "ve ha na’ara tovat mare meod betula, ve ish lo yedaa, va tered ha aina va temale chada va taal"
(And the girl was very nice to look upon – and a virgin whom no man had known, and she went down to the spring, and filled her pitcher, and came up).
Psook 24:17 "va yarats ha eved likrata, va yomer ha gemiini na meat-mayim mikadech"
(And the servant ran to meet her, and said 'please give me a little water to drink from your pitcher').
Psook 24:18 "va tomer shete adoni, va temaher va tored kada al-yada va tashkehu"
(And she said: 'drink, my lord', and she promptly lowered her pitcher onto her other hand (to support it), and gave him drink).
Psook 24:19 "va techal le hashkoto va tomer gam li gmaleicha eshav ad im-kilu lishtot"
(And when she had given him drink, she said 'I will draw for your camels also, until they too have drunk').
Psook 24:20 "va temaher va tear kada el ha shoket, va tarats od el-ha beer lishov va tishav lechol-gemalav"
(And she emptied her pitcher into the trough, and ran again to the well to draw water, and drew for all his camels).
Psook 24:21 "ve ha ish mishtae la macharish la daat hahitsliach Adonai darko im-lo"
(And the man observed her thoroughly, saying naught, to know whether the Lord had made his journey fortunate or not).
Psook 24:22 "va yehi ka asher kilu ha gemalim lishtot, va yikach ha ish nezem zahav beka mishkalo u shenei tsemidim al-yadeiha asara zahav mishkalam"
(And so it happened that when the camels had finished drinking, the man took a gold ring of half a shekel in weight, and two bracelets for her hands of ten shekels weight in gold).
Question: why does Eliezer put his hand underneath Avrohom's thigh?
Per Rashi: "one who takes an oath must take in his hand an object of a commandment (an item with which a mitzvah was performed) such as a Torah scroll or a set of tfillin. And circumcision was the first commandment given to him, so Avraham had Eliezer take hold of his manly part, because it was precious to him".
[If Yitzhok had gotten married while his mother was still alive, Rivka would’ve been big with seed within mere months; it is well known that grandchildren are caused by nagging mothers-in-law.]
=========================================
Ibn Ezra = Abraham Ben Meir Ibn Ezra, born between 1089 and 1093 (probably the latter), died 1167. Native of Tudela in the emirate of Sarragosa. One of the greatest Torah commentators and a forerunner of modern criticism. Much admired by Spinoza, he was one of the first to translate writings of Muslims and Arabic-speaking Jews into Hebrew. A rationalistic and scientific minded interpreter of Talmud-Torah, a grammarian, and a mystic. A scholar whose profound influence on later scholars continues even today.
Rashi = Rabbi Shlomo ben Yitzhak, a mediaeval bible commentator (1040 - 1105) from Troyes. His commentary and annotation of the Torah and Talmud is often included on the printed page, and is considered the basis from whence all study of the material must grow. He was thorough, but not always correct. By the unimaginative he is made much of.
[Tayere Rabbosai, he did not invent the Torah, he merely inherited it – so stop acting like he’s the second coming of Moishe already!]
The Vilna Gaon = The Genius (Gaon) of Vilna (Vilnius - the capitol city of Lithuania, once the intellectual heartland of Yiddishkeit). Rabbi Eliyahu Ben Shlomo Zalman, 1720 - 1797. He and his followers were called the Mitnagdim (opposers) because of their rejection of mysticism and mumbo-jumbo, to which category they reckoned Hasidus.
He is also called the GRA (an acronym of Gaon Rav Eliyahu), and also Ha Gaon Ha Chassid Mi Vilna – the saintly genius of Vilna.
By what is he a genius?
As a toddler he memorized the Torah, at the age of seven he was studying Talmud, and by ten he was already engaged upon independent study. When barely an adult, he was consulted by rabbeyim regarding halacha, by goyishe scientists regarding astronomy and mathematics.
In his late fifties he became embroiled in the quarrel between the followers of the Besht (Ba’al Shem Tov; Yisroel Ben Eliezer, 1698 to 1760, the founder of Chassidus), who at that time were led by Rabbi Shneer Zalman of Liyadi (1745 to 1813, founder of Lubavitch and ancestor or Rebbe Shneerson), versus the mainstream of Rabbinical Judaism.
The upshot was that the entire Chassidic community was put under a cherem (decree of excommunication), and it was forbidden to associate with them in any way.
The Gaon was not a much published writer in his lifetime, but collections of his commentaries and glosses to many major works were published in the years following his death. Among others: Shanos Eliyahu (the years of Eliyahu – a commentary on the Mishna), Aderes Eliyahu (the glory of Eliyahu – a commentary on the Torah), and perhaps most notably the Biur Ha Gra (Gloss of the Gra – an annotation and supercommentary on the Bavli and the Shulchan Aruch).
He was a humble and somewhat withdrawn man – it should be noted that the titles above were put on works assembled after his death.
He did not refer to himself as the saintly Chassid of Vilna, nor to his Torah commentary as glorious. But we do.
The text underneath relates to Parshas Chayei Sarah. Much of it is from the RABAM, who is Rabbi Pinky Shmeckelstein's collaborator, and Rosheshiva of Yeshiva Chipas Emess West Coast, sometimes located in beautiful downtown San Francisco, sometimes somewhere listening to da steel bands ya man!
You might want to have a bit of bronfen while drinking this - it is deep stuff, and you're gonna need help. Like much of the Rabam's scribbling it only makes sense if you have Rabbi Pinky's drasha in front of you, along with a copy of the Torah.
[And yes, tayere Lakewoodyid, I've cleaned it up!]
RIVKA'S AGE
It was after the passing of his wife that Avraham decided to marry off his son.
[Forty years old, and still living with his father? Achenebbish!]
Rashi postulates that Rivka was an infant, azoi: Sarah Imeinu was 90 when Yitzhok was born, 127 years old when Avrohom and Yitzhak go up the mountain. After the Akeida, Avrohom et famiglia return to Be’er Sheva, then Sarah dies in Chevron, at which time Yitzhak was 37. Then Avrohom hears of the birth of Rivka, who his son Yitzhok will marry in three years.
From this Rashi shpers that Rivka was three years old.
Ibn Ezra, ma she’ein kein, takes a far less meshune tack on this, pointing out (Seder Olam Rabba) that Rivka’s birth is mentioned before Sarah’s death, even though Avrohom only hears about it afterwards. Ibn Ezra further postulates that at least a dozen years passed between the Akeidah and the death of Sarah Imaeinu, and if Rivka was born in the same year as the binding, then she was only thirteen years younger than Yitzhak – not so much a chidush as a much more reasonable assumption.
After all, a three year old is hardly likely to be at the village well drawing buckets of water for the household, giving an elderly gentleman (Eliezer) a tip of a jug for a drink of water, AND watering his camels.
Supporting the belief that Rivka was three years old at the time of her shidduch, Beraishis Rabba 58:2 says ‘Ere Hashem allows the sun of one righteous person to set, He causes the sun of the next righteous person to rise’, which is taken to mean that G-d balanced out the death of Sarah with the birth of Rivka.
But should we really assume so close a match in time?
Probably not. In Bereishis 24:16, Rivka is referred to as a na’arah, which means a girl who has reached the age of sexuality – at least bat mitzvah age, or even older. A girl who would’ve been much more likely to slide down from the camel she was riding when first seeing her future husband, whereas a three year old would’ve probably fallen off and hurt herself (which is not how it is described in this parsha, though in the Gemara...).
A teenager, in other words.
The Vilna Gaon cites Beraishis Rabba 56:11 which says that Yitzhak was 26 years old at the time of the Akeidah, and that Sarah Imaeinu did not die at that time, as it was at the end of the time when Avrohom and his family lived in the land of the Pelishtim, and after that they lived in Chevron for another twelve years. So, if Avrohom heard of Rivka’s birth after the death of our mother Sarah, then Rivka would have indeed been a na’arah.
[But Rashi disagrees, telling us "because through (hearing) the report that her son was bound for slaughter, her soul flew from her and she died. In other words Avraham killed his wife by pretending to kill her son.]
Now note further that Rashi states that 127 years signifies one hundred years of being like the innocence of a twenty year old, and the twenty signifies the beauty of a seven year old.
[The beauty of a seven year old!?!??.]
SARAH'S TOMB
Meuras Ha Machpelah = The cave of Machpelah, which is by the oaks of Mamre asher mipnei Chebron. A choice bit of real-estate owned by Efron the Hittite.
When Avraham made inquiries about the cave on the property of Efron the Hittite, the elders of the community wish to give it to Avraham, but he refused it as gift, instead insisting on purchase, at a fair price, so that thereafter no one can say that he took land, or was dependent upon strangers for the grave of his wife. It is the first part of the Eretz Kadosh owned by the Bnei Yisroel. It is on the Yishmoeli side of the line, and hence disputed over by Arabs, Jews, and Reb David Wilder.
ELIEZER
Avraham sends Eliezer, his steward, to Aram Naharaim (the land of Aram between the rivers: Mesopotamia. Modern Bavel) to find a women among his kinfolk who has all the virtues that a woman who will give birth to the nation of Yisrael will need – a suitable mother of a tribe which will be numerous as the grains of sand and the stars in the sky.
Eliezer travels north-eastward, and comes to a well outside the city. At this point, he is wondering how to complete the task that Avraham set him.
It then says in psook 24:14 "Ve haya ha naara asher omar eleiha hati-na chadech ve eshte ve amra shete ve gam-gemaleicha ashke ota hochachta le avdecha le Yitzhak u va eda ki-asita chesed im-adoni"
(So let it be ordered, that the girl to whom I shall say ‘lower your pitcher, I ask you, that I may drink’ shall say ‘drink, and I will give your camels to drink also"; let this same one be she that you have designated for your servant, for Isaac, and thereby shall I know that you are kind to my master).
Psook 24:15 "va yehi-hu terem kila le daber, ve hine, Rivka yotset asher yulda li Vtuel ben Milka eishet Nachor achi Avraham ve chada al-shichma"
(And so it happened that before he had finished speaking, that, lo, Rebekah came out, who was born to Bethuel, the son of Milcah, the wife of Nahor, Abraham's brother, with her pitcher on her shoulder).
Psook 24:16 "ve ha na’ara tovat mare meod betula, ve ish lo yedaa, va tered ha aina va temale chada va taal"
(And the girl was very nice to look upon – and a virgin whom no man had known, and she went down to the spring, and filled her pitcher, and came up).
Psook 24:17 "va yarats ha eved likrata, va yomer ha gemiini na meat-mayim mikadech"
(And the servant ran to meet her, and said 'please give me a little water to drink from your pitcher').
Psook 24:18 "va tomer shete adoni, va temaher va tored kada al-yada va tashkehu"
(And she said: 'drink, my lord', and she promptly lowered her pitcher onto her other hand (to support it), and gave him drink).
Psook 24:19 "va techal le hashkoto va tomer gam li gmaleicha eshav ad im-kilu lishtot"
(And when she had given him drink, she said 'I will draw for your camels also, until they too have drunk').
Psook 24:20 "va temaher va tear kada el ha shoket, va tarats od el-ha beer lishov va tishav lechol-gemalav"
(And she emptied her pitcher into the trough, and ran again to the well to draw water, and drew for all his camels).
Psook 24:21 "ve ha ish mishtae la macharish la daat hahitsliach Adonai darko im-lo"
(And the man observed her thoroughly, saying naught, to know whether the Lord had made his journey fortunate or not).
Psook 24:22 "va yehi ka asher kilu ha gemalim lishtot, va yikach ha ish nezem zahav beka mishkalo u shenei tsemidim al-yadeiha asara zahav mishkalam"
(And so it happened that when the camels had finished drinking, the man took a gold ring of half a shekel in weight, and two bracelets for her hands of ten shekels weight in gold).
Question: why does Eliezer put his hand underneath Avrohom's thigh?
Per Rashi: "one who takes an oath must take in his hand an object of a commandment (an item with which a mitzvah was performed) such as a Torah scroll or a set of tfillin. And circumcision was the first commandment given to him, so Avraham had Eliezer take hold of his manly part, because it was precious to him".
[If Yitzhok had gotten married while his mother was still alive, Rivka would’ve been big with seed within mere months; it is well known that grandchildren are caused by nagging mothers-in-law.]
=========================================
Ibn Ezra = Abraham Ben Meir Ibn Ezra, born between 1089 and 1093 (probably the latter), died 1167. Native of Tudela in the emirate of Sarragosa. One of the greatest Torah commentators and a forerunner of modern criticism. Much admired by Spinoza, he was one of the first to translate writings of Muslims and Arabic-speaking Jews into Hebrew. A rationalistic and scientific minded interpreter of Talmud-Torah, a grammarian, and a mystic. A scholar whose profound influence on later scholars continues even today.
Rashi = Rabbi Shlomo ben Yitzhak, a mediaeval bible commentator (1040 - 1105) from Troyes. His commentary and annotation of the Torah and Talmud is often included on the printed page, and is considered the basis from whence all study of the material must grow. He was thorough, but not always correct. By the unimaginative he is made much of.
[Tayere Rabbosai, he did not invent the Torah, he merely inherited it – so stop acting like he’s the second coming of Moishe already!]
The Vilna Gaon = The Genius (Gaon) of Vilna (Vilnius - the capitol city of Lithuania, once the intellectual heartland of Yiddishkeit). Rabbi Eliyahu Ben Shlomo Zalman, 1720 - 1797. He and his followers were called the Mitnagdim (opposers) because of their rejection of mysticism and mumbo-jumbo, to which category they reckoned Hasidus.
He is also called the GRA (an acronym of Gaon Rav Eliyahu), and also Ha Gaon Ha Chassid Mi Vilna – the saintly genius of Vilna.
By what is he a genius?
As a toddler he memorized the Torah, at the age of seven he was studying Talmud, and by ten he was already engaged upon independent study. When barely an adult, he was consulted by rabbeyim regarding halacha, by goyishe scientists regarding astronomy and mathematics.
In his late fifties he became embroiled in the quarrel between the followers of the Besht (Ba’al Shem Tov; Yisroel Ben Eliezer, 1698 to 1760, the founder of Chassidus), who at that time were led by Rabbi Shneer Zalman of Liyadi (1745 to 1813, founder of Lubavitch and ancestor or Rebbe Shneerson), versus the mainstream of Rabbinical Judaism.
The upshot was that the entire Chassidic community was put under a cherem (decree of excommunication), and it was forbidden to associate with them in any way.
The Gaon was not a much published writer in his lifetime, but collections of his commentaries and glosses to many major works were published in the years following his death. Among others: Shanos Eliyahu (the years of Eliyahu – a commentary on the Mishna), Aderes Eliyahu (the glory of Eliyahu – a commentary on the Torah), and perhaps most notably the Biur Ha Gra (Gloss of the Gra – an annotation and supercommentary on the Bavli and the Shulchan Aruch).
He was a humble and somewhat withdrawn man – it should be noted that the titles above were put on works assembled after his death.
He did not refer to himself as the saintly Chassid of Vilna, nor to his Torah commentary as glorious. But we do.
Friday, August 18, 2006
VA YISA ET KOLO
[An obscure poem, translated and annotated, more or less.]
A talentless poet from Putten,
Could never find suitable rhymes;
Metre proved problematic,
Caesuras? Purely hypthetic
al; And the last line seldom made sense.
Commentaryof the Ba'al HaTuretz:
Putten (wells, sources of water) can be explained as a reference to Beersheba, as it says in Bereishis, Parshas Vayetzei, psookim 29:1 and 2: "Vayisa Yakov raglav va yelech artza veney-kedem" (Then Yakov proceeded with his journey, and came to the land of the Easterners).
[29:2]"Vayar ve hine ve'er basade ve hine-sham shelosha edrey-tson rovtzim aleyha ki min ha be'er hahiv yashku ha adarim ve ha even gedola al-pi ha be'er" (And he gazed, and behold! a well in the field, and behold! three flocks of sheep lying near it, for out of that well they watered the flocks. And the stone was great that lay over the mouth of the well).
The well represents the Torah, giver of life and wisdom, as it says in Midrash Rabbah: "The shepherds of Abraham argued with those of Abimelech, and each shouted, 'The well is ours!' Then Abraham's shepherds said, 'It belongs to them for whom the water will rise when their sheep approach to drink.' On seeing the flocks of Abraham, the water immediately rose."
But what about the stone upon the mouth of the well? This is alluded to by the difficulty mentioned in the second line of the poem. For an explanation we must again look to Parshas Vayetzei.
From psookim 29:8 through 11 we can infer that the well belonged to Abraham: "Vayomru lo nuchal ad asher yeasfu kol ha adarim vegalalu et ha even me al pi ha be'er ve hishkinu ha tzon" (And they said: 'We cannot (water the sheep), till all the flocks are gathered together and they (the flocks) roll the stone from the well's mouth - and then we water the sheep').
[29:9]"Odenu medaber imam ve Rachel ba'a im ha tzon asher le aviha ki roa hiv" (While he spoke with them, Rachel came with her father's sheep, for she tended them).
[29:10]"Vayehi ka'asher ra'a Yakov et Rachel bat Lavan achi imo ve et tzon Lavan achi imo vayigash Yakov va yagel et ha even me al pi ha be'er va yashke et tzon Lavan achi imo" (And it came to pass, when Yakov saw Rachel the daughter of Laban his mother's brother, and the sheep of Laban his mother's brother, that Yakov went up, and rolled the stone from the well's mouth, and watered the flock of Laban his mother's brother).
[29:11]"Va yishak Yakov le Rachel, va yisa et kolo, va yevke!" (And Yakov kissed Rachel, and lifted up his voice, and wept).
In short, the problem is solved, a suitable match (a rhyme) is found, and Yakov (the poet) expresses joy and relief.
The presence of both Jacob and Rachel at the well shows the significance of both to the tradition - only through the agency of both do the sheep get water from the well, and from the symbolic significance of the acts of both (like so many other pairs in the tradition), their descendents draw strength and hope.
The suitability of Yakov and Rachel, is, alas, not mirrored in the rhymes of our hapless poet - manifestly not a Yudah Halevi or Dovid Kimchi. Indeed, even the lashon of the original poem (the version above is a translation) represents a questionable choice.
Clearly it is not in any form of Biblical or Mishnaic Hebrew (although arguably it shows some resemblance to Modern Israeli). Nor is this poetry in the tradition of the psalms, or of the mediaeval Spanish poets - Nahum and his gardens, Ibn Gabirol and the seasons, or Yudah Halevi spiritedly writing of spring and love.
No, this verse exemplifies a harsher reality, one of despair and angst. Our poet has thrown classical allusions and style to the wind. There is no pretense at traditional format, nor even any parallelism of line. Ideas, once expressed, are not echoed - each line stands frighteningly on its own, recalling the loneliness of the man of faith in an environment not of his making.
The brutal abruptness of the final line seems to say "do not try to make any sense of it, the workings of the master of the universe are beyond our human understanding". You must have faith.
---Baal HaTuretz
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For the truly curious, here is the original poem:
Een zwak begaafd dichter uit Putten,
Kon nooit de passende rijmwoorden vinden.
Ook het metrum hield hij,
Nimmer vol tot het eind;
Zodat de laatste regel meestal niet zo geweldig liep.
-----Anoniem
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A talentless poet from Putten,
Could never find suitable rhymes;
Metre proved problematic,
Caesuras? Purely hypthetic
al; And the last line seldom made sense.
Commentaryof the Ba'al HaTuretz:
Putten (wells, sources of water) can be explained as a reference to Beersheba, as it says in Bereishis, Parshas Vayetzei, psookim 29:1 and 2: "Vayisa Yakov raglav va yelech artza veney-kedem" (Then Yakov proceeded with his journey, and came to the land of the Easterners).
[29:2]"Vayar ve hine ve'er basade ve hine-sham shelosha edrey-tson rovtzim aleyha ki min ha be'er hahiv yashku ha adarim ve ha even gedola al-pi ha be'er" (And he gazed, and behold! a well in the field, and behold! three flocks of sheep lying near it, for out of that well they watered the flocks. And the stone was great that lay over the mouth of the well).
The well represents the Torah, giver of life and wisdom, as it says in Midrash Rabbah: "The shepherds of Abraham argued with those of Abimelech, and each shouted, 'The well is ours!' Then Abraham's shepherds said, 'It belongs to them for whom the water will rise when their sheep approach to drink.' On seeing the flocks of Abraham, the water immediately rose."
But what about the stone upon the mouth of the well? This is alluded to by the difficulty mentioned in the second line of the poem. For an explanation we must again look to Parshas Vayetzei.
From psookim 29:8 through 11 we can infer that the well belonged to Abraham: "Vayomru lo nuchal ad asher yeasfu kol ha adarim vegalalu et ha even me al pi ha be'er ve hishkinu ha tzon" (And they said: 'We cannot (water the sheep), till all the flocks are gathered together and they (the flocks) roll the stone from the well's mouth - and then we water the sheep').
[29:9]"Odenu medaber imam ve Rachel ba'a im ha tzon asher le aviha ki roa hiv" (While he spoke with them, Rachel came with her father's sheep, for she tended them).
[29:10]"Vayehi ka'asher ra'a Yakov et Rachel bat Lavan achi imo ve et tzon Lavan achi imo vayigash Yakov va yagel et ha even me al pi ha be'er va yashke et tzon Lavan achi imo" (And it came to pass, when Yakov saw Rachel the daughter of Laban his mother's brother, and the sheep of Laban his mother's brother, that Yakov went up, and rolled the stone from the well's mouth, and watered the flock of Laban his mother's brother).
[29:11]"Va yishak Yakov le Rachel, va yisa et kolo, va yevke!" (And Yakov kissed Rachel, and lifted up his voice, and wept).
In short, the problem is solved, a suitable match (a rhyme) is found, and Yakov (the poet) expresses joy and relief.
The presence of both Jacob and Rachel at the well shows the significance of both to the tradition - only through the agency of both do the sheep get water from the well, and from the symbolic significance of the acts of both (like so many other pairs in the tradition), their descendents draw strength and hope.
The suitability of Yakov and Rachel, is, alas, not mirrored in the rhymes of our hapless poet - manifestly not a Yudah Halevi or Dovid Kimchi. Indeed, even the lashon of the original poem (the version above is a translation) represents a questionable choice.
Clearly it is not in any form of Biblical or Mishnaic Hebrew (although arguably it shows some resemblance to Modern Israeli). Nor is this poetry in the tradition of the psalms, or of the mediaeval Spanish poets - Nahum and his gardens, Ibn Gabirol and the seasons, or Yudah Halevi spiritedly writing of spring and love.
No, this verse exemplifies a harsher reality, one of despair and angst. Our poet has thrown classical allusions and style to the wind. There is no pretense at traditional format, nor even any parallelism of line. Ideas, once expressed, are not echoed - each line stands frighteningly on its own, recalling the loneliness of the man of faith in an environment not of his making.
The brutal abruptness of the final line seems to say "do not try to make any sense of it, the workings of the master of the universe are beyond our human understanding". You must have faith.
---Baal HaTuretz
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For the truly curious, here is the original poem:
Een zwak begaafd dichter uit Putten,
Kon nooit de passende rijmwoorden vinden.
Ook het metrum hield hij,
Nimmer vol tot het eind;
Zodat de laatste regel meestal niet zo geweldig liep.
-----Anoniem
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NOTE: There is much disagreement among scholars about the textual accuracy of both the original and the translation. The RASMIB (Rabbi Steg mi Boropark) writes "the differences between the versions strongly suggest that the translator was working from a second century Alexandrian manuscript rather than the original. Additionally, the mismatching of the lines in both the original and the translation indicate that this is not the original text, but lulei demistifina a redacted version, possibly from the hand of R, but equally possibly the work of P. Such texts, with their internal inconsistencies and stumbling narrative flow, add to the body of evidence for the documentary hypothesis. Like so many other passages from scripture. Really, the evidence is overwhelming, I can't understand why anybody would believe otherwise. For crap's sake, read Graff Wellhausen!"
Disturbing, if true.
Tzarich iyun.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
EXTREMELY YOUNG GIRLS
In a comment thread on Dovbear's blog, reb Late For Dinner remarks "Wasn't it common in biblical times for men to marry extremely young girls?
[see comments appended to this post: http://dovbear.blogspot.com/2006/07/holy-hypocrisy-batman.html]
To which the proper response is 'oh cheeses THAT again!'
In a large part the idea that the extremely young got married is the contra-face of the exaggeration of the ages of sages that also spills out of the Torah.
Most of us know that this is metaphor meant to impress a point upon the reader.
But rashi doesn't know this.
Rashi tells us with a straight face that Rivkah was three years old when she married Yitzhak.
Rashi establishes by Biblical math that Rebecca was an infant, azoi: Sarah Imeinu was 90 when Yitzhak was born, 127 years old when Avrohom and Yitzhak go up the mountain. After the Akeida, Avrohom et famiglia (Avraham ve mishpacha) return to Be’er Sheva, then Sarah dies in Chevron (shock at what her son told her that her putz of a husband had been up to up on the mountain?), at which time Yitzhak was 37. Then Avrohom hears of the birth of Rivka, who his son Yitzhak will marry in three years.
From this Rashi shpers that Rivka was three years old.
Ibn Ezra, ma she’ein kein, takes a far less meshune tack on this, pointing out (Seder Olam Rabba) that Rivka’s birth is mentioned before Sarah’s death, even though Avrumel only hears about it afterwards. Ibn Ezra further postulates that at least a dozen years passed between the Akeidah and the death of Sarah Imaeinu, and if Rivka was born in the same year as the binding, then she was only thirteen years younger than Yitzhak – not so much a chidush as a much more reasonable assumption.
After all, a three year old is hardly likely to be at the village well drawing buckets of water for the household, giving an elderly git (Eliezer) a tip of a jug for a drink of water, AND watering his camels.
Supporting the mishegoss that Rivka was three years old at the time of her shidduch, Beraishis Rabba 58:2 says ‘Ere Hashem allows the sun of one righteous person to set, He causes the sun of the next righteous person to rise’, which is taken to mean that G-d balanced out the death of Sarah with the birth of Rivka.
But should we really assume so close a match in time?
Probably not. In Bereishis 24:16, Rivka is referred to as a na’arah, which means a girl who has reached the age of sexuality – at least bat mitzvah age, or even older. A girl who would’ve been much more likely to slide down from the camel she was riding when first seeing her future husband, whereas a three year old would’ve probably fallen off and hurt herself (which is not how it is described in this parsha).
A spunky teenager, in other words. Quite possibly a perky brunette.
Bubble-icious.
The Vilna Gaon cites Beraishis Rabba 56:11 which says that Yitzhak was 26 years old at the time of the Akeidah, and that Sarah Imaeinu did not die at that time, as it was at the end of the time when Avrohom and his family lived in the land of the Pelishtim, and after that they lived in Chevron for another twelve years. So, if Avrohom heard of Rivka’s birth after the death of our mother Sarah, then Rivka would have indeed been a na’arah.
Nothing like a young, fresh Naharaimian na'arah to spice up the old ohel.
So why do we still give credence to Rashi’s interpretation, instead of Ibn Ezra’s?
Simple.
Rashi was a ba’al gaiva.
Damn hippie.
[see comments appended to this post: http://dovbear.blogspot.com/2006/07/holy-hypocrisy-batman.html]
To which the proper response is 'oh cheeses THAT again!'
In a large part the idea that the extremely young got married is the contra-face of the exaggeration of the ages of sages that also spills out of the Torah.
Most of us know that this is metaphor meant to impress a point upon the reader.
But rashi doesn't know this.
Rashi tells us with a straight face that Rivkah was three years old when she married Yitzhak.
Rashi establishes by Biblical math that Rebecca was an infant, azoi: Sarah Imeinu was 90 when Yitzhak was born, 127 years old when Avrohom and Yitzhak go up the mountain. After the Akeida, Avrohom et famiglia (Avraham ve mishpacha) return to Be’er Sheva, then Sarah dies in Chevron (shock at what her son told her that her putz of a husband had been up to up on the mountain?), at which time Yitzhak was 37. Then Avrohom hears of the birth of Rivka, who his son Yitzhak will marry in three years.
From this Rashi shpers that Rivka was three years old.
Ibn Ezra, ma she’ein kein, takes a far less meshune tack on this, pointing out (Seder Olam Rabba) that Rivka’s birth is mentioned before Sarah’s death, even though Avrumel only hears about it afterwards. Ibn Ezra further postulates that at least a dozen years passed between the Akeidah and the death of Sarah Imaeinu, and if Rivka was born in the same year as the binding, then she was only thirteen years younger than Yitzhak – not so much a chidush as a much more reasonable assumption.
After all, a three year old is hardly likely to be at the village well drawing buckets of water for the household, giving an elderly git (Eliezer) a tip of a jug for a drink of water, AND watering his camels.
Supporting the mishegoss that Rivka was three years old at the time of her shidduch, Beraishis Rabba 58:2 says ‘Ere Hashem allows the sun of one righteous person to set, He causes the sun of the next righteous person to rise’, which is taken to mean that G-d balanced out the death of Sarah with the birth of Rivka.
But should we really assume so close a match in time?
Probably not. In Bereishis 24:16, Rivka is referred to as a na’arah, which means a girl who has reached the age of sexuality – at least bat mitzvah age, or even older. A girl who would’ve been much more likely to slide down from the camel she was riding when first seeing her future husband, whereas a three year old would’ve probably fallen off and hurt herself (which is not how it is described in this parsha).
A spunky teenager, in other words. Quite possibly a perky brunette.
Bubble-icious.
The Vilna Gaon cites Beraishis Rabba 56:11 which says that Yitzhak was 26 years old at the time of the Akeidah, and that Sarah Imaeinu did not die at that time, as it was at the end of the time when Avrohom and his family lived in the land of the Pelishtim, and after that they lived in Chevron for another twelve years. So, if Avrohom heard of Rivka’s birth after the death of our mother Sarah, then Rivka would have indeed been a na’arah.
Nothing like a young, fresh Naharaimian na'arah to spice up the old ohel.
So why do we still give credence to Rashi’s interpretation, instead of Ibn Ezra’s?
Simple.
Rashi was a ba’al gaiva.
Damn hippie.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
A GRUNDFLIEGELICHE PEYSACH
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As my contribution to the Peysach season, I post below the moiredikke letter from Rav Yisroel Grundfliegel. Taka, copied, and the letter has been around a while (I wish I could credit the source, but I got it from a friend, who got it from a chaver, who got it from his Rav, who got it from a man smelling of Tuna fish - such is the spread of wisdom in our age).
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But there is a tiefe und riezige mefarshus!.
The commentary of the RABAM is new, and explains much.
[The Rabam's commentary is small and bold - like the Rabam himself.]
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So, although I don't know HaRav Glundfliegel personally, I feel I am adding to the tradition.
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From Rabbi Yisroel Grundfliegel SHLIT"AH, Self-Described Halachik Authority and Successful Lower East Side Real Estate Developer
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Here are the halachik issues for Pesach:
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1. Braces
Those people who normally wear braces while consuming chometzdike food, must have their braces kashered for Pesach. The preferred method is that of Libun, which can be accomplished by crinkling your lips up to expose your teeth and then running a blow torch along the entire length of your braces. Some authorities are meikel and permit kashering of braces by dunking your open mouth into a bowl of scalding hot water.
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Libun = white hot; making an utensil kosher by heating it till it glows white, required for vessels (kli) which are used for meat. This is libun chamur (strict whitening). If, however, we're talking about a typical teenager, then, assuming the usual vegetarianism, the vessel need only be heated to the degree that it will set fire to straw (libun kal - easy whitening). To be certain that all parts of the vessel are kashered, the straw should be held against the metal at several places, away from the torch.
Logically, in this case, it is necessary to fill the vessel with straw due to the difficulty of reaching behind the metal while it is hot.
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Meikel = Agreeable, lenient.
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Scalding water = Irui; koshering by pouring boiling water over, as is done for plates and table silver. But the Rama holds that because the braces are a kli shaini (a secondary vessel, occasionally involved in cooking, by reason of digestive enzymes), kashering is by hagala, the immersion in boiling water.
In mittn drinnen, it might be better to put the vessel up for adoption; less noisy.
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2. Digestive System
While most people put all their efforts into ridding their homes and cars of chometz, there is one place even more personal that is traditionally neglected during bedikas chometz - your very own digestive system, including stomach, small intestine and large intestine (colon). Those who have consumed chometz during the 24- hour period prior to biyur chometz must spend the proper time in the bathroom prior to the time of issur chometz to allow the elimination of any residual chometz from their bodies. Some halachik authorities also require the use of a laxative to assist in the elimination process.
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Bedikas chometz = searching for and disposing of all traces of leavening before Passover, and emptying the liquor cabinet of whiskey, vodka, and gin. The vermouth, not being made from one of the five grains which become chometz (wheat, rye, barley, spelt, or oats) may be kept.
Bedikas chometz starts at Purim.
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Biyur chometz = burning chometz to dispose of it.
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Issur chometz = prohibition on chometz; you are not permitted to have any leavened material of any kind in your house or in your possession from the fifth hour of the day before peysach till after the holiday is over. This includes whiskey, vodka, and gin.
Note: Some laxatives are chometz and may not be used Erev Pesach. Please consult your local rabbinical authority for which laxatives may be used.
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Gefilte fish is not a laxative.
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Erev peysach = The day preceding Passover and, if shabbes is that day, the day before shabbes. Chometzdikhe laxatives may however be used in the day preceding Erev Pesach, before the fourth hour (mid-afternoon).
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3. Gebruchts
Boruch Hashem, many of us are very careful not put any non-solid food on our matzoh, lest the liquid combine with any unbaked flour and become chometz. But what about our saliva and digestive juices? Saliva contains water and could very well cause problems of gebruchts. Until recently, it was felt that this problem was insurmountable, and thus, many poskim were meikel on this issue. But it has come to my attention that it is common practice for drug dealers to smuggle their drugs inside a human courier, by having the person ingest the drugs inside a small rubber balloon or, chas v'sholom, prophylactic. It would appear that this is also a perfect method for eating matzoh without worrying about the possibility of gebruchts. So this year, one should try to be machmir and put all matzoh in small rubber balloons before swallowing it. Upon further reflection, it has occurred to me that this is the way Bnei Yisroal must have eaten their matzoh in the midbar.
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Boruch HaShem = Blessed is G-d. Used like ‘Thank Heaven’.
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Gebruchts, gebrochts = Brokens, also called matzah sheruya (soaked matzah), meaning matzah meal or broken matzah used for puddings or matzo balls, soaked as a first step in their respective recipes. Due to the possibility that unbaked matzah flour may still cling to the crumbs it is best avoided, unless your mother makes matzo brei or matzo ball soup, in which case there is no reason to risk a family rift - just remember what happened to Yakov and Esav.
Remember Esav? He pissed-off his mom, that's what happened to Esav!
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Chas v'sholem = An idiomatic phrase used like 'Heaven Forfend'.
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Rubber balloons and prophylactics = It is always right to say a bracha over anything that one eats - for rubber, Shehakol; for synthetics, Oseh ma’aseh bereishis; for reservoir tip, Shelo asani goy.
Ve’im tomar, are these kosher for peysach? Teimah, some authorities hold that these items are orlah (foreskins), and thus forbidden. This is Issur d’rabbanan (a prohibition from the Talmud or by the rabbis). But according to the Chachmei Anglia (Tosafos Chachmei Anglia = the Tosafists active in Britain during the middle ages), this is forbidden because stuffing a prophylactic qualifies as work (melacha, al pi minhag Anshei Anglia), which is not allowed on shabbes, and by extension not on any of the festivals.
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Bnei Yisroel = The Sons of Israel, the Jews.
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Midbar = wilderness.
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4. Shiur of Matzoh (amount)
As you may be aware, the issue of shiurim is one that has been discussed at length. This year, I decided to reexamine the whole issue in the hopes of settling it conclusively, using my own opinion, and I was astonished by what I found. As you know, we are all required to eat a "kezayis" of matzoh. But how much is a "kezayis"? Obviously olives in the time of the Torah were not the size of today's puny olives! To determine the exact size of Torah olives, I went to the Posuk "Eretz Chitoh Oo'Si'oroh V'Gefen Oo'Si'einoh V'Reemon, Eretz Zais Shemen Oo'dvash." It occurred to me that this posuk lists the seven species IN SIZE ORDER! The posuk starts with the tiny grains are wheat and oats, continues with the slightly larger grape, and then the even larger fig, whatever that is. Thus, the size of an olive comes out to be somewhere between that of a pomegranate and that of a large jar of honey.
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Being that achilas matzoh is a mitzvoh me'dioreysah, we must be machmir by using the size of the jar of honey. After checking with officials at the Golden Blossom company, it turns out that the largest jar of honey sold commercially is 32 oz. So, by taking into account the amount of flour that fits into a 32 oz. jar, we come up with the shiur kezayis as being 4.7 round matzohs, or 6.4 square matzohs. Please remember that this matzoh must be consumed within the allowed time of 5 minutes!
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Shiur of Matzoh = the minimum quantity of matzoh that must be consumed.
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Kezayis = from zayis (olive); an amount of the size of an olive.The Posuk "Eretz Chitoh Oo'Si'oroh V'Gefen Oo'Si'einoh V'Reemon, Eretz Zais Shemen Oo'dvash." Devarim 8:8 "A land of wheat and barley and grape-vines and figs and pomegranates; a land of olive trees and honey" (Erets chita u-seora ve gefen u-te'ena ve-rimon; erets zeit, shemen, u-devash).
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Fig = Feig (teyenot); not a dadel.
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Dadel = a date, though not necessarily one that leads to further dates; a waste of time, better you should take out an ad instead, or rely on a shadchen. You're not getting any younger.
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Achilas matzoh = Eating matzoh, the consumption of matzoh.
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Mitzvos d'oraisah = a commandment inherent in the tradition, a commandment stated in Torah.
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Shiur kezayis = a measure of volume or quantity equivalent to an olive. Because this is in reference to a mitzvos d’oraisah, we are obligated to go according to the largest possible size (see Mishna Brura), which in this case means that one should relax one’s jaws entirely, and fill up the space between lips and glottis with the 4.7 round matzoh, or 6.4 square matzoh. This is rather like filling a tobacco pipe, and, similarly, it is permissible to press down upon the filling until it is firm. Some people may need help, so the husband and father of the family, having seen to his own shiur kezayis, may then press down upon the shiurim kezaysim of his family members until the full measure has been accounted for.
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Note: There are many brands of Shmureh Matzoh, on the market, most of which I would no sooner eat than I would a product certified by the triangle-K. People who are serious about shmiras ha'mitzvos should purchase Shmureh Matzoh only from my brother-in-law, Yonkie. Yonkie's Yiddishe Matzohs are BOTH hand AND machine made - l'chol ha'dayos - and are Glatt Kosher l'mehadrin min hamehadrin min hamehadin. Prices start at tzvontzik tullar a pound, which, for those of you who don't speak yiddish, translates to $80 a pound.
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Shmureh matzoh = Guarded matzoh; Matzah made from flour which has been guarded (reliably supervised), from harvest through grinding to baking, to ensure that no water touched the flour prior to the making of matzos, as even a tiny bit of moisture can in a short time cause fermentation. The entire process from mixing in water to removing the finished matzoh from the oven must be done within eighteen minutes, other wise it is chometz.
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Shmiras ha mitzvos = obeying (guarding) the commandments.
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Le chol ha dayos = according to all laws.
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Glatt kosher le mehadrin min hamehadrin min hamehadin = Mehadrin: kosher supervision, usually by a rabbi trained in matter of kashrus. So this phrase translates as extremely kosher and fully supervised by the eagle-eyes of an observant ultra-orthodox wanker, more or less. Don’t worry about it, it’s kosher already.
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Tzvontzik = Having the characteristics of a tzvontz. Some say equivalent to twenty tzik.
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5. Water
Water contains many microorganisms (including copeds) which, according to many poskim, fall under the category of shrotzim. While this does not present a specific problem for Pesach, it can be a problem all year round. I recommend using micro-bodek bottled water - guaranteed organism-free.
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Water = standing water often teems with buggy things, chayas. which makes Mayim Chayim non-potable. Don’t drink the water, unless you dilute it with sixty parts whiskey.
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Poskim = halachic authorities.
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Shrotsim = insects, but specifically swarming insects, which are considered unclean and not kosher, from Vayikra 11:29 "ve ze lachem hatamei ba sherets ha shorets al-ha'arets…" (and these to you are unclean among the swarming things (sherets) that swarm (shorets) upon the land…
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Bodek = a brand of shrotzim-free products.
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Shrotzim-free = bland.
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6. Soda
In addition to the problem of water containing microorganisms (see #5), soda has the additional problem of containing bubbles, thus creating the possibility that it will be confused with beer, which is, of course, chometz mamish. Some rabbonim permit the use of soda on Peisach, though I personally wouldn't eat in any of their homes.
.
On the subject of soda, let me quote an excerpt from the popular sequel to "Shmiras Shabbos K'Hilsosoh", "Smiras PeisachK'Hilsoso": "While use of soda and other carbonated beverages are permitted on Pesach, it is nonetheless desired to refrain from drinking them. In fact, it is generally desired to refrain from ALL forms of permissible activity throughout the year, lest halachah not be seen as sufficiently burdensome and unpleasant."
.
It would also seem to me that such a prohibition would extend to any food that could possibly be confused with a chometzdike item, not to mention all the those products that are "Pesachdik" versions of things that only a goy would eat on Pesach, such as "Pesach" noodles, "Pesach" pancake mix, and "Pesach" muffins. Such products should be scrupulously avoided! As to whether such products can be fed to dog on Pesach, consult your local halachik authority.
.
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Chometz mamish = tangibly and actually chometz.
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Mamish = Tangibly, actually, recognizably so by the senses, as it were.
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Beer = Not kosher for Peysach by any definition, being made from grain-mash fermented with yeast; domestic beer is made from entirely unknown substances, and might even contain lard; import beers are painfully expensive. Beer, in any case, is precisely what they didn't have for forty years. You think Moishe was shlepping lager through the midbar?!?! The Mikdash was a beer chest?!?! Simchas Toireh is just another name for 'Oktober Fest'?!?! Farkert!
.
Sequel = coming soon to a theatre near you, rated K.
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Chometzdik = leavened.
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Peysachdik = Passoverish. Voss for a vort iz passoverish? Peysachdik!
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Pesach noodles = A contradiction in terms (Modern orthodox).
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Pesach pancake mix = Inedible, not being made from grain (Reform).
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Pesach muffins = a goyishe sawdust confection (Liberal).
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Can be fed to a dog = note that several things which are not, or no longer, kosher can be fed to a dog, but if a dog won’t touch them they are certainly not edible. In the case of chometzdikhes, when a dog refuses to eat it, it is spoiled beyond the point of qualifying as chometz, and is thus permissible, though hardly still desirable, having become blue cheese mamish.
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7. Mechiras Chometz
The question has come about whether a family where the wife doesn't wear a sheital, or whose kids learn at a co-ed school, chas v'sholom, can be considered goyim for purposes of Mechiras Chometz. The "Makos Mardus", Rabbi Yechiel Getzel Grunblatt of Flatbush, deals with this question in his best-selling seifer on hilchos Pesach "VaYichan Sham Neged HaHar: Spending Pesach in theMountains": "Whereas many "Jewish" families are considered by frume yidden to be goyim, l'chatchila, it's better to sell your chometz to a true church-going duch gatribene goy. .
.
However, one may keep such people in mind when reciting the brochoh "shelo osani goy.""
.
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Sheital = Wig. Many women shave their hair after marriage. If you like your wife to look like a Martian, that’s your business. Who am I to judge?
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Mechiras chometz = selling your chometz to a Gentile, in order to get rid of it without wasting it.
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Makos mardus = "Corporal Punishment"; an affectionate nickname, in reference to his disciplinary habits.
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Frume Yidden = Yiddish: Observant Jews.
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Lechatchilah = preferably, as a first choice.
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Durch getribn = through and through, thoroughly and in full practise.
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Brocho shelo osani Goy = Baruch Ata Adonai Eloheinu Melech ha olam, shelo asani goy (blessed art Thou Lord our G-d, king of the world, who has not made me gentile). The blessing which should be said when realizing that we do not live in the deep-south, and, wistfully, when contemplating the miracle of shrimp.
.
.
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This concludes our issues for Pesach. Please look for upcoming halachah bulletin's dealing with following issues: --Using happy tunes in kedushah during sfiroh - Wearing light- colored suits during the summer - ussur or menuval birshus haTorah - Has your wall-to-wall carpeting been shatnez tested?
.
.
Light coloured suits during summer = purchase matching talit and linen suit, be stylish, a farfeinter mensh, vi ein emmesse macher! Ask your tailor about ordering early! Groysn discounts hobn mir during our yearly chol ha moed sale! Look like a Melech for the price of a Nebech!
.
.
.
Wishing you a happy and kosher l'mehadrin min hamehadrin min hamehadin Pesach and hopeful that this year will see the coming of the Moshiach,
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----Rabbi Yisroel Grundfliegel
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.
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And of course, the Rabam wishes everybody a great Chag ha Heruteinu, and Boas Festas e Melhoradas!
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As my contribution to the Peysach season, I post below the moiredikke letter from Rav Yisroel Grundfliegel. Taka, copied, and the letter has been around a while (I wish I could credit the source, but I got it from a friend, who got it from a chaver, who got it from his Rav, who got it from a man smelling of Tuna fish - such is the spread of wisdom in our age).
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But there is a tiefe und riezige mefarshus!.
The commentary of the RABAM is new, and explains much.
[The Rabam's commentary is small and bold - like the Rabam himself.]
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So, although I don't know HaRav Glundfliegel personally, I feel I am adding to the tradition.
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--- --- --- ---
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From Rabbi Yisroel Grundfliegel SHLIT"AH, Self-Described Halachik Authority and Successful Lower East Side Real Estate Developer
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Here are the halachik issues for Pesach:
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1. Braces
Those people who normally wear braces while consuming chometzdike food, must have their braces kashered for Pesach. The preferred method is that of Libun, which can be accomplished by crinkling your lips up to expose your teeth and then running a blow torch along the entire length of your braces. Some authorities are meikel and permit kashering of braces by dunking your open mouth into a bowl of scalding hot water.
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Libun = white hot; making an utensil kosher by heating it till it glows white, required for vessels (kli) which are used for meat. This is libun chamur (strict whitening). If, however, we're talking about a typical teenager, then, assuming the usual vegetarianism, the vessel need only be heated to the degree that it will set fire to straw (libun kal - easy whitening). To be certain that all parts of the vessel are kashered, the straw should be held against the metal at several places, away from the torch.
Logically, in this case, it is necessary to fill the vessel with straw due to the difficulty of reaching behind the metal while it is hot.
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Meikel = Agreeable, lenient.
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Scalding water = Irui; koshering by pouring boiling water over, as is done for plates and table silver. But the Rama holds that because the braces are a kli shaini (a secondary vessel, occasionally involved in cooking, by reason of digestive enzymes), kashering is by hagala, the immersion in boiling water.
In mittn drinnen, it might be better to put the vessel up for adoption; less noisy.
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2. Digestive System
While most people put all their efforts into ridding their homes and cars of chometz, there is one place even more personal that is traditionally neglected during bedikas chometz - your very own digestive system, including stomach, small intestine and large intestine (colon). Those who have consumed chometz during the 24- hour period prior to biyur chometz must spend the proper time in the bathroom prior to the time of issur chometz to allow the elimination of any residual chometz from their bodies. Some halachik authorities also require the use of a laxative to assist in the elimination process.
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Bedikas chometz = searching for and disposing of all traces of leavening before Passover, and emptying the liquor cabinet of whiskey, vodka, and gin. The vermouth, not being made from one of the five grains which become chometz (wheat, rye, barley, spelt, or oats) may be kept.
Bedikas chometz starts at Purim.
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Biyur chometz = burning chometz to dispose of it.
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Issur chometz = prohibition on chometz; you are not permitted to have any leavened material of any kind in your house or in your possession from the fifth hour of the day before peysach till after the holiday is over. This includes whiskey, vodka, and gin.
Note: Some laxatives are chometz and may not be used Erev Pesach. Please consult your local rabbinical authority for which laxatives may be used.
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Gefilte fish is not a laxative.
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Erev peysach = The day preceding Passover and, if shabbes is that day, the day before shabbes. Chometzdikhe laxatives may however be used in the day preceding Erev Pesach, before the fourth hour (mid-afternoon).
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3. Gebruchts
Boruch Hashem, many of us are very careful not put any non-solid food on our matzoh, lest the liquid combine with any unbaked flour and become chometz. But what about our saliva and digestive juices? Saliva contains water and could very well cause problems of gebruchts. Until recently, it was felt that this problem was insurmountable, and thus, many poskim were meikel on this issue. But it has come to my attention that it is common practice for drug dealers to smuggle their drugs inside a human courier, by having the person ingest the drugs inside a small rubber balloon or, chas v'sholom, prophylactic. It would appear that this is also a perfect method for eating matzoh without worrying about the possibility of gebruchts. So this year, one should try to be machmir and put all matzoh in small rubber balloons before swallowing it. Upon further reflection, it has occurred to me that this is the way Bnei Yisroal must have eaten their matzoh in the midbar.
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Boruch HaShem = Blessed is G-d. Used like ‘Thank Heaven’.
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Gebruchts, gebrochts = Brokens, also called matzah sheruya (soaked matzah), meaning matzah meal or broken matzah used for puddings or matzo balls, soaked as a first step in their respective recipes. Due to the possibility that unbaked matzah flour may still cling to the crumbs it is best avoided, unless your mother makes matzo brei or matzo ball soup, in which case there is no reason to risk a family rift - just remember what happened to Yakov and Esav.
Remember Esav? He pissed-off his mom, that's what happened to Esav!
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Chas v'sholem = An idiomatic phrase used like 'Heaven Forfend'.
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Rubber balloons and prophylactics = It is always right to say a bracha over anything that one eats - for rubber, Shehakol; for synthetics, Oseh ma’aseh bereishis; for reservoir tip, Shelo asani goy.
Ve’im tomar, are these kosher for peysach? Teimah, some authorities hold that these items are orlah (foreskins), and thus forbidden. This is Issur d’rabbanan (a prohibition from the Talmud or by the rabbis). But according to the Chachmei Anglia (Tosafos Chachmei Anglia = the Tosafists active in Britain during the middle ages), this is forbidden because stuffing a prophylactic qualifies as work (melacha, al pi minhag Anshei Anglia), which is not allowed on shabbes, and by extension not on any of the festivals.
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Bnei Yisroel = The Sons of Israel, the Jews.
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Midbar = wilderness.
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4. Shiur of Matzoh (amount)
As you may be aware, the issue of shiurim is one that has been discussed at length. This year, I decided to reexamine the whole issue in the hopes of settling it conclusively, using my own opinion, and I was astonished by what I found. As you know, we are all required to eat a "kezayis" of matzoh. But how much is a "kezayis"? Obviously olives in the time of the Torah were not the size of today's puny olives! To determine the exact size of Torah olives, I went to the Posuk "Eretz Chitoh Oo'Si'oroh V'Gefen Oo'Si'einoh V'Reemon, Eretz Zais Shemen Oo'dvash." It occurred to me that this posuk lists the seven species IN SIZE ORDER! The posuk starts with the tiny grains are wheat and oats, continues with the slightly larger grape, and then the even larger fig, whatever that is. Thus, the size of an olive comes out to be somewhere between that of a pomegranate and that of a large jar of honey.
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Being that achilas matzoh is a mitzvoh me'dioreysah, we must be machmir by using the size of the jar of honey. After checking with officials at the Golden Blossom company, it turns out that the largest jar of honey sold commercially is 32 oz. So, by taking into account the amount of flour that fits into a 32 oz. jar, we come up with the shiur kezayis as being 4.7 round matzohs, or 6.4 square matzohs. Please remember that this matzoh must be consumed within the allowed time of 5 minutes!
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Shiur of Matzoh = the minimum quantity of matzoh that must be consumed.
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Kezayis = from zayis (olive); an amount of the size of an olive.The Posuk "Eretz Chitoh Oo'Si'oroh V'Gefen Oo'Si'einoh V'Reemon, Eretz Zais Shemen Oo'dvash." Devarim 8:8 "A land of wheat and barley and grape-vines and figs and pomegranates; a land of olive trees and honey" (Erets chita u-seora ve gefen u-te'ena ve-rimon; erets zeit, shemen, u-devash).
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Fig = Feig (teyenot); not a dadel.
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Dadel = a date, though not necessarily one that leads to further dates; a waste of time, better you should take out an ad instead, or rely on a shadchen. You're not getting any younger.
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Achilas matzoh = Eating matzoh, the consumption of matzoh.
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Mitzvos d'oraisah = a commandment inherent in the tradition, a commandment stated in Torah.
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Shiur kezayis = a measure of volume or quantity equivalent to an olive. Because this is in reference to a mitzvos d’oraisah, we are obligated to go according to the largest possible size (see Mishna Brura), which in this case means that one should relax one’s jaws entirely, and fill up the space between lips and glottis with the 4.7 round matzoh, or 6.4 square matzoh. This is rather like filling a tobacco pipe, and, similarly, it is permissible to press down upon the filling until it is firm. Some people may need help, so the husband and father of the family, having seen to his own shiur kezayis, may then press down upon the shiurim kezaysim of his family members until the full measure has been accounted for.
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Note: There are many brands of Shmureh Matzoh, on the market, most of which I would no sooner eat than I would a product certified by the triangle-K. People who are serious about shmiras ha'mitzvos should purchase Shmureh Matzoh only from my brother-in-law, Yonkie. Yonkie's Yiddishe Matzohs are BOTH hand AND machine made - l'chol ha'dayos - and are Glatt Kosher l'mehadrin min hamehadrin min hamehadin. Prices start at tzvontzik tullar a pound, which, for those of you who don't speak yiddish, translates to $80 a pound.
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Shmureh matzoh = Guarded matzoh; Matzah made from flour which has been guarded (reliably supervised), from harvest through grinding to baking, to ensure that no water touched the flour prior to the making of matzos, as even a tiny bit of moisture can in a short time cause fermentation. The entire process from mixing in water to removing the finished matzoh from the oven must be done within eighteen minutes, other wise it is chometz.
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Shmiras ha mitzvos = obeying (guarding) the commandments.
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Le chol ha dayos = according to all laws.
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Glatt kosher le mehadrin min hamehadrin min hamehadin = Mehadrin: kosher supervision, usually by a rabbi trained in matter of kashrus. So this phrase translates as extremely kosher and fully supervised by the eagle-eyes of an observant ultra-orthodox wanker, more or less. Don’t worry about it, it’s kosher already.
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Tzvontzik = Having the characteristics of a tzvontz. Some say equivalent to twenty tzik.
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5. Water
Water contains many microorganisms (including copeds) which, according to many poskim, fall under the category of shrotzim. While this does not present a specific problem for Pesach, it can be a problem all year round. I recommend using micro-bodek bottled water - guaranteed organism-free.
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Water = standing water often teems with buggy things, chayas. which makes Mayim Chayim non-potable. Don’t drink the water, unless you dilute it with sixty parts whiskey.
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Poskim = halachic authorities.
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Shrotsim = insects, but specifically swarming insects, which are considered unclean and not kosher, from Vayikra 11:29 "ve ze lachem hatamei ba sherets ha shorets al-ha'arets…" (and these to you are unclean among the swarming things (sherets) that swarm (shorets) upon the land…
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Bodek = a brand of shrotzim-free products.
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Shrotzim-free = bland.
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6. Soda
In addition to the problem of water containing microorganisms (see #5), soda has the additional problem of containing bubbles, thus creating the possibility that it will be confused with beer, which is, of course, chometz mamish. Some rabbonim permit the use of soda on Peisach, though I personally wouldn't eat in any of their homes.
.
On the subject of soda, let me quote an excerpt from the popular sequel to "Shmiras Shabbos K'Hilsosoh", "Smiras PeisachK'Hilsoso": "While use of soda and other carbonated beverages are permitted on Pesach, it is nonetheless desired to refrain from drinking them. In fact, it is generally desired to refrain from ALL forms of permissible activity throughout the year, lest halachah not be seen as sufficiently burdensome and unpleasant."
.
It would also seem to me that such a prohibition would extend to any food that could possibly be confused with a chometzdike item, not to mention all the those products that are "Pesachdik" versions of things that only a goy would eat on Pesach, such as "Pesach" noodles, "Pesach" pancake mix, and "Pesach" muffins. Such products should be scrupulously avoided! As to whether such products can be fed to dog on Pesach, consult your local halachik authority.
.
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Chometz mamish = tangibly and actually chometz.
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Mamish = Tangibly, actually, recognizably so by the senses, as it were.
.
Beer = Not kosher for Peysach by any definition, being made from grain-mash fermented with yeast; domestic beer is made from entirely unknown substances, and might even contain lard; import beers are painfully expensive. Beer, in any case, is precisely what they didn't have for forty years. You think Moishe was shlepping lager through the midbar?!?! The Mikdash was a beer chest?!?! Simchas Toireh is just another name for 'Oktober Fest'?!?! Farkert!
.
Sequel = coming soon to a theatre near you, rated K.
.
Chometzdik = leavened.
.
Peysachdik = Passoverish. Voss for a vort iz passoverish? Peysachdik!
.
Pesach noodles = A contradiction in terms (Modern orthodox).
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Pesach pancake mix = Inedible, not being made from grain (Reform).
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Pesach muffins = a goyishe sawdust confection (Liberal).
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Can be fed to a dog = note that several things which are not, or no longer, kosher can be fed to a dog, but if a dog won’t touch them they are certainly not edible. In the case of chometzdikhes, when a dog refuses to eat it, it is spoiled beyond the point of qualifying as chometz, and is thus permissible, though hardly still desirable, having become blue cheese mamish.
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.
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7. Mechiras Chometz
The question has come about whether a family where the wife doesn't wear a sheital, or whose kids learn at a co-ed school, chas v'sholom, can be considered goyim for purposes of Mechiras Chometz. The "Makos Mardus", Rabbi Yechiel Getzel Grunblatt of Flatbush, deals with this question in his best-selling seifer on hilchos Pesach "VaYichan Sham Neged HaHar: Spending Pesach in theMountains": "Whereas many "Jewish" families are considered by frume yidden to be goyim, l'chatchila, it's better to sell your chometz to a true church-going duch gatribene goy. .
.
However, one may keep such people in mind when reciting the brochoh "shelo osani goy.""
.
.
Sheital = Wig. Many women shave their hair after marriage. If you like your wife to look like a Martian, that’s your business. Who am I to judge?
.
Mechiras chometz = selling your chometz to a Gentile, in order to get rid of it without wasting it.
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Makos mardus = "Corporal Punishment"; an affectionate nickname, in reference to his disciplinary habits.
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Frume Yidden = Yiddish: Observant Jews.
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Lechatchilah = preferably, as a first choice.
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Durch getribn = through and through, thoroughly and in full practise.
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Brocho shelo osani Goy = Baruch Ata Adonai Eloheinu Melech ha olam, shelo asani goy (blessed art Thou Lord our G-d, king of the world, who has not made me gentile). The blessing which should be said when realizing that we do not live in the deep-south, and, wistfully, when contemplating the miracle of shrimp.
.
.
.
This concludes our issues for Pesach. Please look for upcoming halachah bulletin's dealing with following issues: --Using happy tunes in kedushah during sfiroh - Wearing light- colored suits during the summer - ussur or menuval birshus haTorah - Has your wall-to-wall carpeting been shatnez tested?
.
.
Light coloured suits during summer = purchase matching talit and linen suit, be stylish, a farfeinter mensh, vi ein emmesse macher! Ask your tailor about ordering early! Groysn discounts hobn mir during our yearly chol ha moed sale! Look like a Melech for the price of a Nebech!
.
.
.
Wishing you a happy and kosher l'mehadrin min hamehadrin min hamehadin Pesach and hopeful that this year will see the coming of the Moshiach,
.
----Rabbi Yisroel Grundfliegel
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.
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And of course, the Rabam wishes everybody a great Chag ha Heruteinu, and Boas Festas e Melhoradas!
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