At the back of the hill

Warning: If you stay here long enough you will gain weight! Grazing here strongly suggests that you are either omnivorous, or a glutton. And you might like cheese-doodles.
BTW: I'm presently searching for another person who likes cheese-doodles.
Please form a caseophilic line to the right. Thank you.

Sunday, November 29, 2015


When the female spider has sex, she customarily seizes the male spider by his tiny little head and sucks out all his juices, leaving little more than a dessicated husk. Which sounds a lot like romance in the modern United States. Or at least San Francisco.

Yesterday I mentioned to a fellow pipe collector that I had a number of unsmoked briars, including a vintage Comoy's Blue Riband, Dublin shape, which, if I ever met the ideal woman, would probably be gifted as a love token.

"How", he asked, "will you know if she's the perfect match?"

Well that's easy; within weeks you're finishing each others thoughts while stealing each other's opened tins of pipe tobacco.

He agree that that indeed sounded lovely.

And he looked a bit wistful.

From this you should know that the ideal woman does NOT smoke aromatics. Why, the very thought of sticking 'Molto Dolce' (by Sutliff) into a briar would appall her. What an awful waste of a well-crafted smoking tool! Horrendous!

[Molto Dolce: a blend of Virginia, Burley, and Black Cavendish, drenched in humectants -- it does not dry out, but like the Mummy remains "juicy" long past the point when real tobacco turns to dust -- whored-up with vanilla, caramel, and something alleged to be honey. It is very popular in parts of the country where they drink Jägermeister or Jim Beam Red Stag, and don't actually have real tobacco stores. The tin we opened last year still feels moist and oily;
this truly is your perfect nuclear fall-out shelter smoke.
It will outlive the cockroaches, and drive the other occupants one by one to the surface, to scout out whether the radiation has half-lifed enough that humans can survive. Very good if their company palls.]

The ideal woman has intelligent tastes. No frou-frou frangrances, no fruity liquor, and no "look at me!" exhibitionistic tendencies.

An active mind is important.

Hard to find.

NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.



  • At 10:06 AM, Anonymous The same Anonymous as last time (of the 240 cigarettes) said…

    Hmm. But what about cigarettes? I won't stop bothering you until you explain your huge difference between pipes, cigars, and cigarettes. And maybe not even then.

  • At 12:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    What about lace panties?

  • At 1:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Uncle Atboth,

    What if any recommendations would you advise, if one was considering his first Petersen pipe?

  • At 7:19 PM, Blogger The back of the hill said…

    Anonymous at 12:40 PM: Lace panties are very nice. Plain cotton is also appealing. I recommend either. It's up to you.

    A woman who wears panties is very attractive, no matter what else she has on. It's that aura of happiness.

  • At 7:30 PM, Blogger The back of the hill said…

    Anonymous at 1:22 PM:
    For a first Peterson, these four ranges come immediately to mind: Aran and Shannon -- both very nice classic finishes without the ridiculous decorative touches that mark some of their other pipes, available in the full range of standard shapes, or the Kildare (smooth) or Donegal (rusticated), at a slightly lower price-point.

    Avoid their lacquered jobbies, and the vile green items they produce for St. Patrick's Day, which are probably mostly sold in the United States.

    A starter pipe of fairly decent quality is a bit more expensive than it used to be, even with inflation taken into account. The Peterson System Standard (shapes 301 through 315; see here) is a bit more expensive yet, but is pretty much the quitessence of pipe; everyone at some point ends up with one.

    Figure on spending around one hundred and twenty dollars.

    The best pipe, of course, is the one you borrow from a good friend or a favourite uncle, who will also coach you in how to smoke it, and provide encouragement and advice. It takes a little while to get the hang of it.

  • At 7:37 PM, Blogger The back of the hill said…

    Anonymous at 10:06 AM:

    Cigarettes are, with the exception of products such as Khedives, Kyriazi Frères, Sobranies, and, in the Euro category Roth-Händle und Reval Cigaretten, oder Gitane et Gauloises, repulsive in flavour, unappealing in aroma, and no more than addictive nicotine delivery units.

    Pipes and cigars are different. If you are that hooked on nicotine that you treat it as a nicotine delivery system, you cannot understand. You don't "get it". You have no aesthetic sense. You are an addict. And possibly a sick puppy. You are doomed.

  • At 8:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous at 10:06 AM said…

    What about cigarillos?

  • At 8:49 PM, Blogger The back of the hill said…

    A means to an end.

    Not really a worthwhile smoke, but entertaining enough when you cannot light up a pipe, or wish the bus to magically appear.

  • At 8:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Could you write a post, going through the various forms of tobacco -- Pipes, cigars, cigarillos, regular cigarettes, and the special worthwhile cigarette brands that you listed above?

    Also, what is the greatest quantity of cigarettes you have ever smoked in a single day? Cigars? Pipes? And how many cigarillos do you smoke on a typical day?

  • At 1:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Smells like someone is trying to put together a personality profile.
    You have a stalker.

    Don't answer those questions.

  • At 10:59 PM, Anonymous Aptly Engineer'd said…

    You have a stalker. And its not the cute little woman who smokes cigars. Proceed with caution.

  • At 11:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Either a stalker or a creep. My guess would be a megacreep.


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