THIS IS HOW SCHISMS GET STARTED

One can imagine bloody wars being fought as a result. Two versions of the same scripture inevitably cause problems. Before you know it, rival factions wearing red and green go at it. Hammer, tongs.
There's certainly enough ammo.

Tomatoes, eggs, cabbages.

Over-ripe plantains.


THE ORTHODOX VERSION

[SOURCE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aiVOG199X2c.]

This is the only correct version, the minhag which you grew up with and love. It features in your dreams, and unconsciously you make numerous references to its wichtige un riezige tenets during the day.
Especially at times of work-related stress.
It is the ideal which keeps you sane.


THE DISGUSTING HERESY

[SOURCE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A42Ba8naV_o.]


Repulsive! Anathema! We must fight this tooth and nail. There can be only ONE version that shall continue to exist. Variant readings destroy tradition, and eventually people will go off the derech.
Our continued existence is at stake.
And our fur hats.

Before you know it, people will be congressing with animals and political candidates. This must be stopped!

In these perilous times, we must check whether doubtful individuals weigh the same as a duck (using the scientific methods of Chazal).
And if they do, our instructions are completely clear.
You know (veistu) what has to be done.
Ein ye'ush ba olam klal.
Do it.

Why are people looking at me funny?

This aggression won't stand.

Nice marmot.




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