YOUR RELIGION OFFENDS ME

The other day an old friend shared a Christian message on my Facebook page. Before going any further, I should mention that she has a great sense of humour, and, while regrettably credulous concerning matters of religious belief, is generally speaking a clear-eyed person with an extremely likable personality.

As you may have gathered, despite my extreme and winsome youth I am a sour old cynic, and tend to sneer at religion.

Particularly Christian substitutes for same.

Naturally I growled.


The only religions of which I approve are Jewish modern orthodoxy, Sikhism, Sufism, and Shinto. And a cynical sarcastic ultra-skeptical interpretation of Dutch-style Calvinism.

All others are, more or less, heresy-sodden mental but-plugs.

Especially the deviant Christian cults.


MARSHMALLOWS WILL BE PROVIDED!

As someone whose ancestors came here in 1630, I will gladly engage in bloodshed and heresy trials to sabotage Lutherans, Episcopalians, Papists, Baptists, Methodists, and all those other disgusting cults from advancing. Especially Mormons (ugh!) and any and every shade of the Greek and Russian Orthodox churches.

If we do NOT maintain the separation of Church and State adequately, you can count on me to start gathering firewood, so that adherents of Seventh Dayism, Scientology, Jehova Witnessing, and Hare Krishna, as well as many other deviant practices, can be burned at the stake.

My religious tolerance is predicated upon everyone else NOT seeking to impose their depraved deviance on me or on society. No, I do not like your church; your pastor is a hamster, and smells of elderberries.



Please do NOT practise your religion in public; it scares horses and little old ladies, and there should be NO place for such horrid examples that might lead little children and impressionable foreigners astray.


Absolutely no Remonstrants, no Ledeboerians, no Presbyterians.


Are we clear on that?




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