PERVERT IN CANTONESE

For those people who wish to know the most useful term for pervert in Cantonese, here it is: 鹹濕佬 HAAMSAPLO. The term is explained more fully in this blogpost: a typical male.

No, that is NOT a term which applies to me. Primarily because I never demonstrate my keen ability to sound totally depraved in Cantonese, lisp-hissing blandishments and come-hithers at tender girlies.

There is no benefit to not being a gentleman.
Even the entertainment value is minor.
Plus, I am Caucasian.

Clarification.

Many white folks are indistinguishable to Chinese people, due to a remarkable sameness of features. Eyes, noses, facial structure, complexion, and what-ever-the-else-have-you.
Plainly put, we all look alike.

That explains why the shopkeepers you've dealt with regularly can't remember who the heck you are when you run into them on the street. Or why even people you see on a daily basis might initially not be able to place you, or remember your name.

[White names all sound alike too. Whatever that "word" was, it wasn't Chinese.]


However, the moment you speak intelligible Cantonese in Chinatown, you and your face and your name slam sharply into focus.
Quite likely they will remember it all next time.
Especially if you acted like an idiot.
Which I try not to.

It's not that I'm insensitive to the attractiveness of some Cantonese women, but rather that my natural restraint coupled with a strong urge not to piss into the wind prevents me from being forward.


Bear in mind that the key concept is "intelligible" Cantonese. Uttering 'gung hay fat choi' at the appropriate time of year does not really qualify; you mispronounced it. If they recognized what you said, it was because the contextual framework  made clear what you meant to say.
Same with 'jeh jeh', 'm-koi', 'ney ho', and similar things.

To illustrate why this is so, let me describe something that happened several years ago, when I was still living in the Netherlands.
In the centre of the shopping district of Eindhoven, some Mormon missionaries had set up a stand with coloured pictures and a table of pamphlets, and were addressing passers-by with the question "hebt u wel eens gehoord van het boek van Mormon?"
What they meant was "have you ever heard of the book of Mormon?"
Grammatically perfect, and quite how a Dutchman would phrase it.
Their pronunciation, however, sabotaged the exercise.

They sounded exactly like they were saying something totally unintelligible in English. Even worse, American English. Possibly a regional dialect. Probably a severe speech defect.
And they sounded degenerate.
Sickeningly so.

The natives just nodded in passing, and otherwise ignored them, without stopping to find out what these space-aliens could possibly want.


Remember context? I mentioned it earlier.
The table with literature showed that those two deviants were trolling.
Gung hay fat choi at the right time might mean gung hay fat choi.
Jeh jeh, m-koi, ney ho; exact same dealio.

And, if you leer suggestively while saying anything at all, you are probably 'haam sap'. You might in fact be the very essence of haamsapjing, or haamkwaiseilo, or a seihaamsapkwai.
Irrespective of whatever you tried to say.

You might even be Hungarian.



"My hovercraft is full of eels."
"What?"
"My hovercraft is full of eels!"
"Matches, matches? "
"Yah, yah. Eh, do you vaant... do you vaant to come back to my place bouncy bouncy?"
"I don't think you're using that right."
"You great poof!"
"That'll be six and six, please."
"If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? 
I am no longer infected."
"It costs six and six ... six and six... Here we go ... 'Yandelvayazna greldenuwi stravenka!'"


"What's going on here then?"
"You have beautiful thighs."
"What?"
"He hit me!"
"Drop your panties, Sir William, I cannot vait till lunchtime!"
"Right!"
"My nipples explode with delight!"


"Great boobies, honeybun! My lower intestine is full of spam, egg, spam, spam, bacon, spam, tomato, spam....."


[English-Hungarian phrasebook, M.P., Horton Publishers, First ed., London, 1970.]


Either Hungarian, or a Viking.
But probably Hungarian.
A spam eater.



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