INTERNET DATING: MAKING A GOOD IMPRESSION

One of my facebook friends and fellow bloggers is a talmudic scholar who is having no luck with the ladies. Which is remarkable, because he is everything I'm not, in that regard. He is significantly younger than I am, has smikha, and, by all accounts, is a great wit despite his propensity to make truly horrible puns so bad makes you want to smack him.
A real charmer.

Like many Americans, he has tried the various internet dating sites.

So have I.

My first foray was a joke, in which I answered all questions exactly like famous Kazakh journalist Borat Sagdiev would, put on my worst male chauvenist pig act, and spoke well of one-piece mankinis.
The results were stellar; many women didn't get it.
My second attempt had two responses. One was a trailer park grandma with more dogs than days of the week, the other was a shy professional type with no social life who wanted to know if I owned real estate, and thoroughly hated smoking.
Third 'experiment', on a different site than the previous two. Evidently there are a lot of energetic women out there who want a successful careerist health club studmuffin, who is relatively quiescent, and a non-smoking vegetarian besides. And willing to sleep in the basement.
They want to be wined, dined, and go on adventures!
In which he may play a supporting role.
As the silent partner.

Because they deserve it.


Even if any of these vibrant and passionate creative types were to feel attracted to my profile, she might be discouraged, because I clearly state that I am a pipe smoker, check my account very rarely, and have utterly no expectation of ever meeting anyone, suitable or not, via OK Cupid; I signed up primarily so that I could chalk it off as a ridiculous experiment.
I am a complete cynic when it comes to internet romance.
It's the video game approach to dating.
Superpowers and ogres.


Most men on those sites will click on anything with cleavage, even if the only brain activity the blonde dingbat has is handbag collecting with his money. Most women will go for any man who unwittingly demonstrates both cleanliness and sheer bucket-loads of disposable income, yet shows that he is malleable.
He wants arm candy. She wants someone silently supportive, a rich good listener.
She also wants a non-smoking buff tofu eater.
Who wears nice suits.


With that in mind, here's probably the best date site profile video ever, by a suave Latin who would be an excellent catch for any woman.

WE'RE ROLLING? I DON'T FEEL VERY GOOD.


[SOURCE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d19BawjJPhY.]

Remember, girls, I am just like him.
I too have a sexy accent.
Crustalicious.

I am looking to go out with a beautiful super model who is not afraid to date a powerful passionate bla bla bla.

Okaaay?


A NEW SUIT! AND BREASTS!


[SOURCE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5oSG87gUTBs.]

Alas, poor Pepe the King Prawn. The only type of woman he's likely to attract is some Cantonese chick who is thinking of salted black beans, ginger, and garlic, as she initiates contact.
She's got a clay pot just right.
Hellooooo, Pepe!
Mmm.

My friend the rabbinic gentleman is in a different category.
Shellfish are not kosher, so he's "safe".


I am better than either Pepe or the Talmudist. Like any king prawn, I am totally superlative with melted butter, and like my scholarly friend, I have a neat and distinguished beard.
Unlike either of them, I have no reason to fear Cantonese chicks with treif on the brain.


Surely this justifies an optimistic attitude?


I am not nervous.


Okaaay?




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