GLUTEN FREE DIET

This blogger was happily enjoying some artisanal pizza with sliced red Jalapeños, small dairy cheese from Northern California (happy cows!) and free-range pepper-bacon, when a friend saw me and screamed that I was killing myself. No, it wasn't the bacon or the cheese -- I think she automatically assumed that those were all-vegan substitutes for animal exploitative products -- but the delicious pizza crust, crispy along the edges with a nice toothsomeness, and slightly darkened in a toasty manner in spots on the bottom.

Gluten, she wished me to know, is a deadly poison!
Wheat was the devil's own food product.
Eliminate it! Now!

Sweatheart, I do. I eliminate it nearly every day.

Well, actually, it IS every day.

I love my wheat.


The problems with gluten, according to her yoga instructor and several knowledgeable friends, are that it poisons the gut and stunts natural growth, leading to such ailments as autism, chronic headaches, indigestion, and a lowered sex drive.

Given that the two most populated countries on the planet have cuisines very largely dependent on gluten, one might hope for the sake of all of us that at least that last ridiculous assertion might be right.

Unfortunately it's just as bogus as all the others.


The normal diet naturally should include gluten; it's one of mankind's primary sources of protein, and the foods that contain it are the building blocks of civilization. We are meant to consume gluten.

Less than one percent of the population actually has any real problems with gluten; the rest are raving hysterics bucking for the "I'm so frickin' special I could scream" medal.

They need to get over their fine selves.


In fact, a gluten-free diet will lead to exactly all the problems which she enumerated. Besides causing malnutrition-based psychosis, and insanity in rats. Which her shrill puritanism on that subject demonstrated. Amply.
The main reason that so many Americans have health problems is NOT gluten -- mankind has eaten gluten-rich products and thrived for several thousand years -- but that so very many Americans are, on the whole, fat lazy slobs who eat badly, eat too much, and don't chew their food. That long aisle of pills and liquids for digestive discomfort at Walgreen's is based almost entirely on our affection for high sugar, high salt, greasy, non-nutritious crap.

Don't cut gluten from your diet, that's as ridiculous as going vegan.

Feel free to have some nice bacon-wrapped grilled oysters.

And steamed fatty pork with shrimp-paste.

Just eat vegetables also.


No, forget about carrot sticks as a snack. The carrot is a thoroughly nasty protestant thing, especially in its raw state. And lettuce-based salads are far less exciting than you think. Lettuce should be cooked. Perhaps with a little oyster sauce added. Which. Contains. Gluten.


Expand your narrow horizons, experiment.

Here's a short list of items available in San Francisco.
I know this, because I saw them.
In the last week.

A-choy
Almond
Apples
Arugula
Artichoke
Avocado
Azuki beans
Bamboo shoots
Bananas
Beansprouts
Beet greens
Beets
Bell pepper
Bitter melon
Black eyed peas
Bok choy
Brazil nut
Breadfruit
Broccoli
Broccoli rabe
Broccolini
Butternut squash
Brussels sprouts
Cabbage
Carrot
Cashews
Cauliflower
Celery
Chayote
Chickpeas
Chillies
Chives
Choisum
Chrysanthemum leaves
Collard greens
Cucumber
Daikon
Dandelion greens
Durian
Eggplant
Endive
Fiddlehead
Fuzzy melon
Grapes
Grapefruit
Green beans
Kai lan
Kale
Laver
Leeks
Lemon
Lentil
Lettuce
Lime
Lima bean
Longan fruit
Long beans
Lotus root
Luffa
Mango
Mustard greens
Mushrooms
Napa cabbage
Nectarine
Okra
Olives
Onion
Oranges
Papaya
Parsnip
Pears
Peas
Peanuts
Pea sprouts
Pigeon peas
Pistachio
Plantains
Plums
Potato
Pumpkin
Radicchio
Radish
Shallots
Snow pea
Soybean
Spinach
Strawberries
Summer squash
Swiss chard
Taro
Tofu and tofu products
Tomatillo
Tomato
Turnip
Urad dal
Wai san
Walnuts
Watercress
Water caltrop
Water chestnut
Water melon
Water spinach
Winter melon
Wood ear fungus
Yam
Yau choy
Zucchini


With the exception of carrots and lima beans, everything in that list tastes nice. If you cannot find at least half a dozen things that can be turned into good food, you are a culinary disaster and need to be put down.


As a bare minimum, add some bacon, cheese, and Jalapeños.
Or sauté with ginger, scallion, and garlic.
A dollop of oyster sauce.
Anchovies.


By the way: most hot-sauces contain vinegar. As do many other fine condiments. And several contain wheat in some form besides.
Real pizza cannot be made without it.
Gluten: it's the staff of life.



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