At the back of the hill

Warning: If you stay here long enough you will gain weight! Grazing here strongly suggests that you are either omnivorous, or a glutton. And you might like cheese-doodles.
BTW: I'm presently searching for another person who likes cheese-doodles.
Please form a caseophilic line to the right. Thank you.

Thursday, July 04, 2013


Adventures on the dating sites of the world continue! There's gold in them thar hills!
Meaning, of course, that this blogger's attempt to connect with live human beings has taken a backseat to his computer.
I love my computer. It seems so... responsive!

Petite. Cute. Full of life.
Possibly even female.
And multi-lingual.

As you may recall, I mentioned signing-up on OkCupid a while back. One of my readers had spoken of it, and it sounded like an interesting concept. I remembered when strictly for laughs I signed up on E-Harmony pretending to be Borat Sagdiyev, answering all questions in that precise persona (as detailed here). For several years afterwards, I received lovely romantic messages from hundreds of women who where desperate, utterly crazy-desperate, to meet mr. Wrong.
I had no clue that someone like Borat was so desirable.
Consequently, OkCupid seemed promising.

And at least better than a crap-shoot.

I may have been mistaken.

Most of the women on OkCupid are totally perfect. Not my type at all. I have no idea why they aren't all in the bestest and most rewardingest relationships ever.
Well, other than the grandmother of seven, who has named her dogs after the days of the week. She has three Sundays. Whether it's the dogs or the grandkids, rabies is a looming problem. Given that she lives in a trailer park out in the foothills.
Apparently she's a 95% match, 86% friend, and 8% enemy.
That last percentage is crucial. I betcha it's the smoking.
Despite what her profile says, she probably huffs two or three packs of Lucky Strikes per day. How else can she put up with seven grandkids and ten dogs?
And the looming threat of rabies.

It's hard when you have to shoot a grandkid.

But all the other people that OkCupid thinks would be in my ballpark have so much to offer.

Profile quotes:

"I explore my creative parts..."

"I live in America because I like the weather"

"I am living in the present and planning for the future."

"Living out of a camper, skydiving and then scuba"

"I'm like the girl next door!"

"I'm great with knives, knots, locks, cooking, massages"

"I like staying at home watching my SF Giants..."

"Scoring reservations at a time later than the normal senior citizen"

"Indignant about the lack of decent sushi"

"I enjoy making connections and I am well-traveled"

Judging by their profiles, they are all intelligent, alive, likable, active and involved, socially polished, adaptable, agreeable, perky, and nice.

I'm not really looking for nice.

What I'm looking for is a woman who might describe herself like this:

"I'm a post-graduate still living at home, perfectly happy not going to bars or nightclubs. I like staying up reading until the wee hours -- not only books by real authors, but also trashy novels, reference books, and crap I found at a rummage sale. Not into high-fashion, though I do dress nicely when I feel like it.
I'm looking for someone to eat with; that way I can order more interesting things at restaurants. My job is rather boring and mundane, but I enjoy my coworkers, and quite a few of them are fascinating and intelligent. "

See? She's utterly perfect. Someone who is at ease with herself, down to earth, and evinces a keen culinary vibrance.

The only things that I would add are:

"I have a thing for pipe-smokers, I prefer sensible shoes, and I only wear my Hello Kitty panties ironically!"

Someone who also likes Chinese and Indian food, warm beverages, hot sauce, and cookies, would be truly splendid.


The question you might ask at this point is what she would get out of a relationship with me. What's in it for her?
Other than someone with whom she could to go to restaurants and order the interesting things.
As well as a man who thinks she looks cute wearing Hello Kitty underwear ironically, and comfy flats.

I'm afraid I'm not good at filling out a profile (except for the time I was channeling for mr. Borat Sagdiyev).

Basically, I'm a normal guy who speaks Dutch, as well as a little Cantonese, Yiddish, German, and bits of other languages. I used to cook a lot more than I do now, and I would like to do so again.
I like being around other people, but not crowds.
I don't skydive, scuba, jog, work out at the gym, develop my creative and spiritual sides, or read self-help books. Lord knows I don't watch sports; anything with big butch men in tights makes my eyes glaze over.
Yeah, I read a lot. My living quarters are a fire-trap, what with cases and stacks of books everywhere.
My friends are all decent intelligent people with quirky interests and senses of humour.
They probably need that last characteristic, as they're all rather kind.

See? Hardly a description of Don Juan, an ideal daemon lover, the dark romantic stranger of a girl's dreams, or even Burt Reynolds. More like Sean Connery, considerably younger and with far less fat, a more intelligible accent, and a pipe. Sort of okay, I guess.

Food! She'd get food! And the recurring aroma of pipe-smoke!
That, plus occasional bursts of wit!
And beverages!

NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.

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