At the back of the hill

Warning: If you stay here long enough you will gain weight! Grazing here strongly suggests that you are either omnivorous, or a glutton. And you might like cheese-doodles.
BTW: I'm presently searching for another person who likes cheese-doodles.
Please form a caseophilic line to the right. Thank you.

Tuesday, July 02, 2013


You have a choice of feeding Paris Hilton ice cream, or a raccoon. What do you do?
And it need not necessarily be Paris Hilton. It could be any equivalent female of the youthful blondish persuasion with a deficit of wit. There are a huge number of them to choose from, indeed, an almost infinite supply.
But the point is the ice cream. With whom, in this world, would you rather share ice cream?

May I politely suggest the raccoon?

Yes, if it were the yellow-haired humanoid, there would be an excellent chance that at some point the clothing comes off. And though the raccoon is already naked, she is covered with fur. Let us assume that it is a she. From a strictly nasty point of view the female biped is a more natural prospect of enticement. Arms and legs of acceptable proportion and dimension, as well as secondary characteristics which the human male is programmed to find "interesting". Entirely unlike the raccoon.

But the raccoon has a much sweeter personality.
She's far better company, you'll agree.

And, crucially, she won't belly-ache about the flavour of the frozen treat.
Or it's fat-content.

She'll merely sit there happily enjoying her small furry animal sized portion, occasionally looking up at you with admiration -- she knows you have no ulterior motive, you're just an all-round decent guy with a fondness for fuzzy critters and a surplus of ice cream -- whereas the bimbettish blonde will suspect you of any number of things. And with enough sugar in her system, might even act upon those suspicions, in an incredibly unsuitable way. Disrobing or blinking her lashes.

Conceivably even rubbing up against you in public.

Which, if a raccoon were to do it, illustrates that you have a likability and sensitivity towards small animals. If a blonde does it, especially one who is half my age, it suggests dubious personality issues.

I would rather be seen in public with a raccoon.
It's far less likely to raise questions.

Once the raccoon has recovered from her sugar high, she's likely to play with the locks on your cat-door, or figure out a cunning way to open the refrigerator. Or steal your wallet, because at some point in the future she'll want more ice cream and you may not be around. At the time.
Surely you would want her to have more ice cream?
She can't use your credit card; she doesn't look like you in the slightest, and the counter clerk would be incredibly suspicious. But if she handed over a big pile of cash, there wouldn't be any problems.
The raccoon feels certain that you will agree.
Logically she must have the money.
Crisp green dollar bills.
Ice cream!

I would seriously suggest taking her out to dim sum first, though. There's not a whole heck of a lot of nutrition in ice cream, and as the adult male it is your responsibility to ensure a proper diet. Raccoons love both dimsum and ice cream, but they're likely to load up on whatever is first offered.
It's a conditioned reflex, brought on by years of exposure to humans.
Apparently we're fickle, and amazingly flighty.
Can't be relied on for more food.
We have whims.

But they agree that we're far better company than Paris Hilton, or equivalent females of the young blondish persuasion. It's that deficit of wit.
An insurmountable obstacle if ever there was one.

Plus I'm an all-round decent guy, and there's a possibility of ice cream.

NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.



  • At 8:03 AM, Anonymous e-kvetcher said…

    >You have a choice of feeding Paris Hilton ice cream, or a raccoon. What do you do?

    When I read this, I thought you were suggesting feeding a raccoon to Paris Hilton. I'd watch that for a dollar!

  • At 9:32 AM, Blogger The back of the hill said…

    That would be the dinner that fought back. Dear miss Hilton stands NO chance.

  • At 10:51 AM, Anonymous gustatorially amphibious said…

    "But the point is the ice cream. With whom, in this world, would you rather share ice cream?"

    With that clarification, I, too, was bitterly disappointed when I realized that you weren't proposing to feed Paris Hilton a raccoon. Or feed Paris Hilton to a raccoon.

  • At 2:17 PM, Blogger The back of the hill said…

    A raccoon could not possibly eat Paris Hilton.

    She's inedible.


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