At the back of the hill

Warning: If you stay here long enough you will gain weight! Grazing here strongly suggests that you are either omnivorous, or a glutton. And you might like cheese-doodles.
BTW: I'm presently searching for another person who likes cheese-doodles.
Please form a caseophilic line to the right. Thank you.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013


Within an hour of my apartment mate leaving the house in the morning, a strange sight can be seen; a naked man wandering around with a pipe in his mouth. That will be me, after my bath. The reason being that one cannot smoke a cigarillo when nude. A pipe is a self-contained receptacle, whereas the cigarillo yields a long and unstable ash, which, if it falls, will head straight down. Cigar ash has peculiar sticking properties.

Hypothetical conversation which is NOT likely to ever happen:

Other person: "Mr. Atboth, WHY do you have a scorch mark on your Santa Claus?"
Me: "I was smoking and got distracted (by a book), and besides, it's just ash."
Other person: "We should wipe it off, it doesn't look right. Where do you keep the ammonia?"
Me: "Not ammonia! Anything but ammonia!"
Other person: "Glass cleaner?"
Me: "Stop obsessing about it!"

[Notes: It need not be 'mr. Atboth', it could be 'Both-ums', 'Bothy-Wothy', 'Badger', 'Ongle Dongle', or something equally familiar. Santa Claus is either an evil elf or a squid. The book might be 'The Onion Eaters', by James Patrick Dunleavy. Ammonia stings, so does glass cleaner. Don't obsess.]

I like to air out a bit after the bath. Obviously I cannot do so when my apartment mate is still around, for reasons of interpersonal modesty. Besides, my apartment mate doesn't like the smell of tobacco, so earlier I will have indulged in small cheroots while hiding in the kitchen in my bathrobe and jammies while she showers.
And the first pipe of the day is a relaxing affair.
Cup of coffee or tea, pipe, a good book.....
What could be more perfect?

If another person where there it would change the dynamic. Especially if she were also smoking a pipe. Some women do, you know. But a naked man smoking a pipe looks rather cool and rugged, whereas a naked woman smoking a pipe looks cute. Women should always have clothes on while enjoying their pipes -- pleated skirt and crisp cotton blouse, or pajamas, even just panties and a bra with a man's shirt that's way too big -- and they probably shouldn't be sitting on fluffy towels.
Not naked, not with a pipe. It ain't right. It's just too darn cute.
You can take a naked man with a pipe seriously.
Naked woman with a pipe? Not so much.
Cute, cute, cute, cute cute!

This all came to mind because the other day I overheard someone say "men with pipes are just so darn cuuuuuute!". Unfortunately I didn't get a good glance at her, nor did I have a chance to introduce myself. Had I done so, I might have explained that pipes radiate a self-assured masculinity, as well as confidence, gravitas, and good taste. Cute not so much. I seldom if ever think of myself as cute. Mature man, touch of salt and pepper, wire reading specs.
Neither elfin, nor Gandalfian.

Not cute.

The second pipe of the day is always after I have gotten dressed. The first pipe may be likewise, but always the next. I saw myself in the hallway mirror after dressing recently. Clean slacks, collared shirt, reading specs, little beard, and pipe.
"Dang", I said to myself, "that's one studly-looking fellow!"
'Cute' was not the term that came to mind.
Please take note of that.

Part if it was no doubt the pipe. A black sandblast poker shape with a tall bowl, filled with Brown Clunee (that being a ready-rubbed brown Virginia by Rattray, three-year old tin) and smoking perfectly. A very manly pipe, if in the right mouth. Second pipe of the day. A woman smoking it would without a doubt have loaded it up with a full Latakia mixture, because with everyone gone she can finally treat herself to something rich, dark, and stinky. An odouriferous bastard among the blends; Margate, by Germain and Sons.
One cannot smoke around the other people in the house.
Thank heavens they're gone! Light up!
It's time to be myself.

And yes, she'd probably look VERY cute.


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