VISITING THE GARBAGE DUMP

Occasionally I go to my junk filter to see what exciting messages I may have missed.
I am seldom disappointed by what I find.
I have low standards and amuse easily.


SPAM STOPPED IN MID-FLIGHT

The following e-mail messages were stuck in the filter today. Other than keenly taking note of their subject lines, I repressed temptation.

"Britney throws off top"
Tell her to put it back on. No one cares.

"This is not a myth"
It's a mythter? Congratulation on your theckth change!

"Must-Buy Stocks for Massive Healthy Plays"
Oooh, it'th tho BIG and THECK-THY!

"Vaigiara 4 mens"
Not enough for a minyen. Need at least 6 more Vaigiara mens.

"lovemaking video"
Shelve in the 'self help' section. Sell at cost.

"Porn stars secret"
They're stockbrokers during the day.

"Funny naked girls"
Fox Broadcasting has sunk to a new low?

"Top rated hcg diet drops @ HCG Buy Direct, as seen on TV!"
Good reason not to watch TV!

"What are you waiting for?"
The coming zombie apocalypse. What about you?

"Child actress Abigail Breslin turns bad"
Time to throw her out then.

"Tell A Friend: Don't Erase Slavery From the History Books!"
None of my friends erase from books.

"John Mulaney Is New In Town"
Welcome John, buy our tourist crap, go away.

"Hard to resist bonus offers at CVC"
You guys are a bunch of idiots. Go away.

"HCG Diet Drops"
Off the face of the planet? Go away.

"The death of diesel & the ONE STOCK to play it"
One stock to bind it all, and in the darkness slay it. Sorry, you were saying?

"Hard to resist bonus offers at CVC"
You guys are a bunch of idiots. Go away.

"Cumming has never been stronger"
Not interested in football. Go away.

"Hard to resist bonus offers at CVC"
You guys are a bunch of idiots. Go away.

"Exotic asian women bares all"
'Women' is a plural, dipwad. Go away.

"Smell sweeter below the belt"
Hello Kitty Crotch Spray?

"Hard to resist bonus offers at CVC"
You guys are a bunch of idiots. Go away.

"Ass rimming the easy way"
I do not currently own a donkey.

"Experience new levels of pleasure"
Not into car-chase video games. Go away.

"Hard to resist bonus offers at CVC"
You guys are a bunch of idiots. Go away.

"Blue-Chip Champs Stomping the Market"
I'm thrilled. Go away.

"COCKZILLA is the word"
Darn those Japanese!

"Amazing orgasm always"
Orgasms are pretty amazing without your help.

"Hard to resist bonus offers at CVC"
You guys are a bunch of idiots. Go away.

"Turn her into a pleasure machine"
Resist the BORG!

"Hard to resist bonus offers at CVC"
You guys are a bunch of idiots. Go away.


Sex, dieting, and stocks.
It used to be breast augmentation, handbags, toupees, end of times romance novels, liposuction, and penis pumps.
So in some ways the internet's mental image of me has improved!

Still waiting for the spam aimed specifically at middle-aged Dutch American men of normal height and weight, with healthy heads of hair, who have no problems with their own fairly straight and unimaginative sexuality, no pressing need to find strange naked ladies on the internet, no dieting plans, no gambling problems, who are absolutely not into football, baseball, ice hockey, soccer, or wrestling.
Stocks don't excite me. But several authors do.
I refuse to read apocalyptic end of times romances about some pale Christian virgin in the Mid-West waiting for her Christian boyfriend who is the military to come back from an un-Christian place before the flames descend from the sky, the rivers run red, the beast from Revelations destroys civilization, and all good Christians get pulled up to heaven naked leaving their socks behind.
I will not buy designer handbags.


Please, send me junk mail about pipe tobacco and brilliant Chinese American women living in San Francisco who need someone with whom to eat dinner and share books.
Any message entitled "Mei Hong loves the manly smell of Latakia" will get my complete attention! I promise!
E-mail about 'Hello Kitty Virginia Non-Filters' probably too.

Keep trying, boys. Eventually you'll get it right.


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