A friend asked, pursuant my recent vitriolic comments about the female of the species, whether I was indeed determined to avoid seeing women in this new year.
To which the answer naturally is "of course not".
Should some young lady whom I would like to know come across my path, dating could be a mighty good thing.
It IS a possibility. Don't laugh.
The problem of course is getting to that point, and explaining myself.
Suppose, for instance, that her father asks me what my plans are with his precious little girl.
Yes, I know, that's a very old-fashioned idea. Most parents nowadays have absolutely no influence over their grown children's thoroughly rotten decisions, and most youthful adults consider their parents dreadful busy-bodies who only exist to bankroll the extravagances of their offspring.
Never the less, imagining this stage is a useful exercise, because it prepares one for actually communicating one's motives, as well as clarifying what one expects.
It isn't entirely unrealistic either, as many women do have parents or other concerned relatives.
[Dating orphans is probably out of the question, since I'm no longer allowed anywhere near Madame Fetiche's Home for Christian Damsels in Upper Whipping-Birch. Something about little miss Sachet returning to the dorm somewhat the worse for wear.]
So, let's say I've rung the doorbell, and while young Mathilda is putting on her best frock and pearls upstairs, her old man has handed me a glass of sherry and a cigar.
We're in the parlour, and the question is sternly posed:
"Young man, what precisely are your intentions towards my daughter?"
What on earth do I say?
"I plan to wine her, dine her, and ravish her fine young body."
No. Obviously this is a bad answer.
For one thing, many modern girls can outdrink this blogger by a fare-thee-well, and I would fear for my life should I even attempt this. Might wake up in an ice-cube filled bath tub with one of my kidneys missing.
Daddy's little girl can hold her own.
"We're going out to the drive-in, where I shall grope her in the back seat, sir."
Equally bad. Quality young ladies do NOT go to drive-in movie theaters on foot (necessitated because I do not own a car). Come to think of it, there are no drive-ins in San Francisco, so even the idea of renting a 1960's station wagon for this experiment is absurd.
"Strictly honourable, sir. Any crazy shit is up to her."
That right there shows the insanity of dating. Best behaviour and tension meet the unrealistic expectations of both parties head-on, and the terrifying results make for a zany and entertaining romantic movie comedy, but bad real life drama.
Woody Allen has already covered that territory, and it was very painful.
More reassuring answers involving reading scripture together, taking in a school play, or visiting the sick are also out of the question. Not because they're unbelievable, but because I could not possibly keep my face straight while delivering them.
WHAT DO PEOPLE DO ON DATES?
I actually haven't been on a date in over twenty years. So at this point, I haven't a clue what goes on during such things nowadays.
Back then, it always seemed so fraught, and many women relied on the man to guess EXACTLY what they wanted to do.
That still may be the case.
Left to my own devices I would suggest that we do something like go out to eat at a quiet place, enjoy good food together, then have a walk around Nob Hill and Russian Hill.
There are marvelous views there, and several lovely streets.
In particular I like the stretch of Hyde between Jackson and Vallejo, because of the trees lining it on both sides, and the friendly glow from the various eateries. Clay between Jones and Leavenworth has golden leaved Gingko trees at present, that too is very nice.
If it's still early in the evening, we could then go to the Russian Hill Bookstore and browse.
Either that, or possibly first head out to a coffee shop, then to the Asian Art Museum. There's a lovely bronze container in the shape of a rotund rhinoceros in the collection that always brings a smile to the face of whoever sees it, and a number of other fine items including some paintings by Sung masters.
After which, perhaps some dinner at a Vietnamese restaurant and a leisurely stroll home.
Unfortunately, such things do not appeal to many women.
That, by itself, tells me that dating is unlikely, as is actually finding someone worth seeing.
In this era, of course, dating involves far more alcohol and loud music.
I should also mention that when I still dated, the event left me feeling both nauseous and tense.
A date is the perfect way to establish that there is far too little in common for any further friendship, and that it was really unrealistic and ridiculous to even consider closer bonds.
I would consequently be quite surprised if there were any woman out there whose ideas in any way matched mine.
Not discounting the possibility entirely, you understand, but not planning any unrealistic adventures either.
By the way: If any of my readers have interesting ideas about what to do on dates, please feel free to leave a comment.
I'm always up for painful stomach cramps and hysterical laughter.
Thank you.
POST SCRIPTUM
So what exactly did I do to poor little miss Sachet? Simple.
I fed her the finest English food available in Upper Whipping-Birch at that time.
Made the thin little thing clean her plate, too. She looked rather underweight.
How was I to know that British cuisine was a bio-hazard?
Probably should have gone to an Indian restaurant instead, but back in the stone age proper young ladies were never seen in such places.
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2 comments:
The art museum sounds like a lovely choice, and a good way of screening dates.
Whatever you do, don't take her home to meet the monkey.
I have to agree about the art museum idea, I'm surprised you can't find women interested in that. It was one of my staple dates back when I was single (circa 1985-1988). These were women in the late 20s to mid 30s.
In fact all of your ideas seem like good ones. If I were a woman and I were single, I'd give you my phone number.
Maybe you're looking for women in the wrong places. I can't believe that a large city like San Fransisco doesn't have a large number of mature (in the emotional sense) single women who like those sort of activities.
Conservative Apikoris
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