Savage Kitten, despite her many admirable qualities, does NOT grasp bathrooms. Every morning I give her fair warning that I will need to "wash" soon, so that she can go and do whatever it is that women do in there (dance widdershins around a tampon or commune with the spirits of their ancestors - I do not wish to know) before I need to use it. Once I'm in the bathroom, I will be occupying it for forty minutes.
A gentleman always gives a lady a last chance to pee - it is the gallant thing to do.
But once I'm in, I'm in.
She does not understand why it takes me forty minutes.
Well, shaving takes time. Bathing takes time. Nose and ear hair, ingrown hairs.......
Plus other things. Such as reading - I always take books in there with me. And cigars. And a hot cup of coffee.
She speculates that once I'm ensconced, I fade into a sweet sweet dream-state, and compose giddy little verses about the throne while moaning ecstatically. Or do a little happy dance in the nude.
To her the bathroom is a mere blip on the way to being ready for the world in the morning, and my dawdling baffles her. I know she is envious.
It's private time. Quality time. Smoke time. Reading time.
CONVERSATION
Often, while I'm "smoking", she will come outside the door to tell me something important, or talk about whatever just entered her mind. I'm a little deaf (and she is very soft-spoken), and I've got the bathroom heater going because I do not like to freeze my butt. Plus the door muffles sound too.
So the conversation, as I perceive it, goes something like this:
Savage Kitten: "Mumble mumble mumble MONKEY mumble mumble urrk."
Me: '...Uh huh.'
Savage Kitten: "Mumble mumble burble SHE SAID mumble mumble mumble HAMSTERS."
Me: '...Mmmmmm.'
Savage Kitten: "Grunt whisper burble hiccough DINNER squeak AIRTIGHT whistle snort?"
Me: '...Sounds nice.'
Fortunately she is convinced that I have pre-mature senility, so she will call me during the day to remind me that while I was in the loo I agreed to go to a seafood restaurant at exactly seven-thirty after meeting her in front of the North Beach Library while holding a trout.
EDUCATIONAL
I have learned a lot while in the bathroom.
To whit:
1. I can shave with either hand.
2. Cigars float.
3. Turning on the heater keeps the mirror from fogging up.
4. Ripping out ingrown hairs scars the legs.
5. Wear your reading glasses, or you will hit yourself in the face with the coffee cup and the hot coffee will spill into your lap.
6. Hot coffee is always too hot. Even when it's cold.
This morning I learned something new. Something I really wished I had understood before. It's a revelation! Useful and profound.
Azoy: If you're going to spray the black grot between the tiles with clorox cleaning solution, wait until you are finished with everything else - don't just reach down, grab the bottle, and spray away. While seated.
I also learned that I can shave while weeping, and shower with my eyes closed.
Two hours after I got to the office, I still smelled bleach.
The bathroom is a wonderful place. Some people just do not understand that.
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GRUMPY MAN AT DAWN
Sometimes you wake up with a hecka chonker. And you wonder "what is this odd indentation here, and why does it smell fishy?" Then ...
12 comments:
LOL!!! especially the Conversation.
Oh, Atthebackofthehill, I empathize with you on the importance of bathroom time.
I seem to have always known this, for from the age at which one showers by themselves, I have always taken at-least half of an hour in the shower. Now that I am forced to make due with ten minutes at most, my mornings have never gone well.
But alas!
Recently the discovery of fresh coffee has allowed me to dilly dally as long as I please.
...
If only there were iPod headphones that went in the shower...
...
telmac
You DO lead an interesting life, don't you? In all fairness, one isn't at one's sharpest first thing in the morning.
Shee, what is it with men, they're NEVER ready on time, always fussing over their 'shaving, bathing, nose and ear hair, ingrown hairs'.....
So vain, so vain.
I love women. I truly do. I love the soft part behind the knees, their uncanny ability to disrupt even the most sublime wet dream, and their scent. Their ability to wreak havoc with the simplest of activities is uncanny. Savage Kitten is an expert, is she not?
~Sheilagh R. Greenburg.
Well, that helps explain part of what Bad Cohen is doing in there, although I can assure you, smoking, coffee-drinking, and cleaning NEVER enter that picture. I guess they balance each other out. Sort of.
Hello tzipporah,
You said "smoking, coffee-drinking, and cleaning NEVER enter that picture" - can we infer from this testimony that Bad Cohen does not clean?
Might one perhaps then think that that is why he is bad?
Or a part of the reason, that is?
---Grant (The Prosecution) Patel
What kind of cigars float? And doesn't smoking a cigar and drinking coffee require usually two hands?
How on earth do you hold on for the wild ride, dear man?
---Grant Patel
Grant Patel is a very Nosey Parker.
Grunt Patel should keep his big amphibian noise out of this. You are particularly blunt first thing in the morning. Oh yes.
Precisely and approximately, in all particulars.
---Grieved Poonabb
OMG, that's absolutely fabulous! Grant, did you even click on the link? You should. You're on candid camera!
Hee hee hee!
Smoking a cigar does not need a hand PERIOD
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