Friday, September 24, 2010

INSULATION IN THE COLD SEASON

When I was in second grade I learned how to read English on my own.
In this I was following the example set by my brother who had done the same a year or so earlier. Both of us had been taught in Dutch – and consequently, due to the very regular spelling conventions of the Netherlandish language, had learned to read at a rapid pace. But in the family environment we spoke English (though many of our neighbors were convinced that we Americans were completely incapable of speaking that language), and my parents were habitual readers who frequently purchased books from Britain or America. Which was understandable, as there was so much more to read in English than in Dutch.

Dutch, though a literary koine for several centuries, and having a mass of novels and poetry, is not the most printed of tongues.
Nor, despite my continuing affection for it, the most lovely of sound collections.
Somewhere twixt dulcet and harsh gagging, mostly.

[Sorry, Dutch readers, that’s just a fact. Everybody has an affection for their own native speech, but finds its relatives nasty sounding. So of course you Dutch people think it sounds heavenly, but the rest of us might have reservations.
Consider how sweet Cantonese sounds to the speaker thereof, and how far less so it is to others. And the Cantonese find Hokkien (spoken in the province to the north of Kwangchow) to be an exceedingly vile racket, whereas in my estimation its beauty is different but not inferior to the Cantonese tongue. All languages may seem cacophonous to the non-native.]


AMONG THE CACAPHONES

That my brother and I had learned to read English overjoyed my mother. She started buying us books, lots of books. For my brother, chess and history. Plus Dickens.
For me, historical fiction, and literature suited to readers five or six years older than I was at the time. Her theory was that if it didn’t fit my mind then, I would surely grow into it in due course.

[Unfortunately she believed the same about my clothes – growing into clothing that was far too large was not as easy as it sounds. Remember, this was before fast-food.]

By the end of grammar school I was reading stuff quite unsuitable for a child. Somewhere around fourth grade I had discovered the science fiction my mother had amassed (she was a published author herself), and my father’s mystery novels and scientific textbooks. The downstairs living room, in addition to many of my books, also held shelf upon shelf of English poetry. My mother had been at Berkeley for twelve years, collecting books and degrees – that was reflected on those shelves.
There was so much poetry, in fact, that it wasn’t until the last two years that I lived in the Netherlands that I realized that the Dutch also wrote such stuff – amazing!
I never really did like Coleridge and Wordsworth – the English language seemed sludgy with them, and many other vaunted poets, but really sparkled in Merck, Advanced Engineering Drawing, and most notably the Marine Engineers Manual.
Since then, remarkably, I have become fond of Dutch verse. No, it doesn’t resemble Textbookese at all, why do you ask?

[It’s not just the little technical bits in such works that appealed – those were probably just a minor factor. It was the interesting solutions, and the explanations of how things fit together. I am still using ideas years later that I first found in the Watch Officers Guide. Remarkably, those are especially applicable in a restaurant environment.]

My garbling of scientific terms and other words learned from my reading drove my father up the wall. He bought me the Pocket Oxford Dictionary in hopes I would learn their correct pronunciation. He was to be disappointed – instead I used it to learn many more words to torture, a few of which I still cannot say properly, though I continue to use them.

When I last visited my father before he died, I spent many hours rediscovering the man by exploring his library. He had changed in those years, but much was still recognizable. The reference works and the mystery novels were still there. Wodehouse. Dickens. Nabokov. Newer cookbooks, and many novels I had not seen before. The parameters of his mind were the same.

The one thing notably missing was the Pocket Oxford Dictionary – I left it in Holland when I returned to the States, and he had never needed to consult it. He still had all of his words.


* * * * * * * * *

I have always enjoyed the presence of people who read. Not people who just read for knowledge or usefulness, but those who read for pleasure, or because something intrigues them – the habitually literate.
Such people often have more twisty minds, and quirkier imaginations. Their sense of humour is more interesting, and their opinions are more fully formed.
One shouldn’t just surround oneself with books, but also with the people who read them. ESPECIALLY the people who read them.
They are delicious.


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Thursday, September 23, 2010

IN MID AUTUMN

If you live in San Francisco you know about panhandling. San Francisco is an expensive place to live, and some people end up here without the necessary support systems. San Francisco can be a very hard town.

I’ll give money to panhandlers – when someone is desperate, it seems utterly heartless to pretend they do not even exist. A dollar here and there really won’t inconvenience me, but it enables them to continue for a while longer, and maybe things will turn out better for them.

Yes, a few probably intend to spend that money on booze or illicit substances. Given their circumstances, I have to assume that even that choice is the result of an informed decision.
Their life, and their need for something to distract themselves from it - anything to make conditions bearable.


THEY HAVE FACES

A few years ago a new person showed up around the corner from my office. It’s a busy street in the evening, when people head towards the Bart station, so the panhandling chances there are relatively excellent.

This person was an old Chinese woman, barely four and a half feet tall, with white hair, and a very gentle intelligent face – in her youth she must have been just about the prettiest thing. She had small gnarled hands that had clearly done much work, and would have preferred to yet be working.
A very delicate and vulnerable woman, but very much alive – her eyes still sparkled. She could only speak a few words of English, and those so badly that context had to make clear what she said.
She was, with extreme and almost paralyzing embarrassment, asking strangers for spare change.


HI, HOW ARE YOU?

I did what I always do in cases like that. I smiled, gave her some dollar bills, and wished her a pleasant evening. One has to invest such transactions with dignity and a semblance of normalcy. Things like this feel much better for both people if done gracefully.

Two or three evenings a week she would be at the corner timidly asking the rushing pedestrians for coins. The vast majority studiously ignored her, hurrying by as if no one were there, and they themselves were very important people late for an appointment.
Every time I saw her I gave her some money. While having a smoke near the end of the day I would walk down the street to see if she was there – it’s good to see someone smile.

She wasn’t always there, as she probably did receive a monthly cheque. Which, in San Francisco, does not go very far. But being so incapable of speaking English, as well as shy, she was in no position to figure out the complexities of the system. Funds would run out in a week or so.
I believe that she had been employed in the garment factories (sweatshops) that used to be in Chinatown, and once manufacturing went overseas she was left without many options. There are a fair number of middle-aged and elderly women like that – they came to this country years ago, and found work among the safety of other Cantonese speakers. Where many stayed.
The need to earn a living, the pressure of raising a family, the isolation, all prevented them from learning English.

Pride, stubbornness, and a sense of what is proper all conspire to keep many such people from forcing themselves to rely on their kin, if they have any.

The old traditionally nurture those who are younger than them, and most elderly Cantonese women will put aside candy and food to give to young relatives when they visit. Some women are so tied up in this that they will spend far more on food for their grandchildren than on essentials for themselves.
Elderly Cantonese men will put on their one threadbare good suit to visit their offspring’s families for a few short hours, bringing along treats – which may have cost them much of their budget for the rest of the month.
Being unable to feed people who are younger is unbearably shameful for a Chinese person of senior status
It is better to starve, than to neglect obligations – especially this one.
This is so programmed into many old-fashioned people that going against it is impossible.

Additionally, maintaining a pretence that they are able and secure is so fundamental to their sense of self-worth that elderly immigrant Cantonese often successfully hide precisely how desperate they are from their grown children, the children are so used to respecting the dignity of their elders that they are far too scared to ask any difficult questions.
And beyond the family no-one wants to shame their friends and neighbors by pointing out to their relatives what might have been obvious if everyone wasn’t so good at maintaining a facade. Cantonese parents do not want to be a burden to their children, sabotaging the next generation’s success by having themselves failed. The sad thing is that many of them have indeed failed in comparison - the Americanized children are more likely to succeed than their parents.
The generation gap is not only cultural and linguistic – crippling enough! - it is often also economic.
In consequence, there is frequently a measure of estrangement in Chinese-American families that baffles outsiders, who don’t understand that it is precisely because of the distance between parents and children that safe comfort levels can be maintained for all concerned.


THE PERSON ON THE CORNER

Over the months I found out a bit more about the woman – her home-town dialect and my movie-learnt Tsim-Tung goomba patois were not too very far apart, and I can sound like I understand the proper protocols when speaking with the elderly.
She shared cramped living quarters with another woman, and she had a grown-up daughter far away who was happily married. She did not mention her own husband, so I assume that he had passed away years before. She knew how to sew, and she could make coats, shirts, and pants – especially shirts and pants. She would so much like to work again.
She hadn’t seen her daughter in a long time, but they wrote to each other regularly and occasionally talked on the phone. She really wanted to see her daughter, and her grandchild …….. but her daughter couldn’t visit as yet (translation: the old lady must have been paddling furiously to keep her daughter from finding out just how difficult her situation had become).

Nearly every week she would mention her daughter. She was very proud that her daughter had a nice husband, a bright child, a decent life.
She even sent the kid a present - she was on the corner every evening that month. It must have seriously depleted her funds. She looked far more vulnerable than usual.


One day she demonstrated something new she had learned to say in English. She had had a lot of practice, even though it was a word so very recently acquired. Lung cancer.
She had only two or three weeks left to live; she had delayed going to the doctor for so long that it was entirely untreatable. In a few days she was going into the hospital. Her daughter was flying in, with her grandchild. She was distraught that her daughter was spending so much money – but also very glad that she would finally see them again. She was extremely happy.
She thanked me sweetly for helping her so many times. She would have liked to have been able to do something in return, but ………!

I never saw her again.


CHONG CHAU JIT

Yesterday was mid-Autumn, the Moon Festival. For Chinese people, the Moon Festival is a time to spend with family, and many will travel back to their village or the place where they are from to be with their loved ones. Those who are far away think longingly of their own places and their relatives, and fondly indulge in remembering those who are dear to them. Being able to visit kin means incredibly much to people at this time, family is everything.
In their dreams they go back home.

Her daughter and grandchild surely remembered her this week, and will have placed some mooncakes for her on the family altar.



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Wednesday, September 22, 2010

MOONCAKES! YAY! MOONCAKES!

The Chinese mid-Autumn festival (中秋節 Chong Chau Jit: fifteenth day of the eighth lunar month) falls today this year. It has long been one of my favourite holidays, but not for most reasons that move the Chinese.
Yes, I appreciate the warm family-connotations, the traditional harvest and home motiefs, and even the symbolism that has in three millennia accreted. Even the connection with the rebellion against the Mongols (元朝 Yuen Chiu: Yuan dynasty, 1280–1368 CE) has immense charm - who isn't stirred by the encouragement to slaughter barbarians?

[八月十五殺韃子 "Baat-yuet sahp-ng saa Tat-jee!" Eighth month fifteen, kill Tatars!]

At present, whacking foreigners is NOT part of the festivities. Murder really isn't a traditional method of celebration among civilized people, at least not anymore. And I'm okay with that. Though sometimes it does seem a pity.

My reasons for enjoying the Mid-Autumn Festival are rather simple and self-indulgent. Childish and pedestrian even.


YUET BING 月餅

What I really like are the pastries - I've always been inordinately fond of mooncakes. They're only available at this time of year.
Long ago I would stockpile boxes of them, to enjoy weeks or months later after they had become unavailable. As my supply dwindled, I'd become more careful of my precious hoard, finally savouring the last one sometime in January or February. It would not be nearly as good as ones eaten in September and October, but it was the last one for a very long time. And therefore, still utterly delicious.

Remarkably, most Caucasians I know aren't particularly taken by mooncakes.
Why is this? Is there something wrong with them?

Maybe it's that all-encompassing American cultural-whiteness. It affects the tastebuds. They don't like raw herring either. Weird.


The two most popular types of mooncake are double yolk refined lotus seedpaste (雙黃白蓮蓉月餅 seung wong pak lien yong yuet bing) and double yolk red bean-paste (雙黃豆沙月餅 seung wong dow sa yuet bing).

[NOTE: Preserved egg-yolk (鹹鴨蛋 haahm-ngaap dan) - One or more whole duck egg yolks nestled in the filling, which adds richness and a slightly salty note, accentuating the sweetness. It the most luxurious and expensive ingredient - the price is higher for mooncakes that have egg yolk.]


Both the lotus seed (蓮蓉 lien yong) paste and the red bean paste (豆沙 dow sa - literally, bean mud) are sweet and slightly rich. Both are very popular flavours for pastries. Dow sa consists of ground boiled azuki beans with sugar and oil.
There's also Ng-yan (五仁): five nut-kernels: pumpkin seed, melon seed, sesame, almond, and walnuts or peanuts) which usually has chunks of candied wintermelon (糖冬瓜 tong tung gwa) mixed in.


BEFORE THEY'RE ALL GONE ...

This time of year there are many imported brands in square tins available at Chinese stores in the Bay Area, even though locally made mooncakes are just as good, and often better.

The best sources for locally made mooncakes are Mee Mee (美美餅食公司) on Stockton, and the Eastern Bakery (東亞餅家) on Grant.


MEE MEE BAKERY 美美餅食公司
1328 Stockton Street (between Vallejo and Broadway)
San Francisco, CA 94133.
(415) 362-3204

EASTERN BAKERY 東亞餅家
720 Grant Avenue (btwn Sacramento and Clay, corner of Commercial Alley)
San Francisco, CA 94108
(415) 433-7973


Now, though I thoroughly recommend both businesses listed above, most of my mooncakes this year as every year will be imported. The reason being the handsome tins that they come in, four cakes per container.
Local bakeries use decorated boxes, Hong Kong and Taiwanese manufacturers package the pastries in tins.
I'm a bit odd that way - I like the tins too. Useful. And stackable.

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POST SCRIPTUM

If you are Jewish or vegetarian, please read the label on the tin or box carefully. There may be treifigkeit present, especially in the dough, and it might also be present in the filing. The Chinese tend to use lard shortening as their baking grease of choice - it makes pastries scrumptious, crispy, flaky, besides adding a yummy mouth-feel.
Pork products have the status of minhag. Just like shrimp and lobster. If you are Chinese.



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Tuesday, September 21, 2010

IT'S A BIRD, IT'S A PLANE, IT'S A BANANA!

Some of you have guessed what the recent change in my life actually is. It’s NOT something I ever wanted, and I’m still trying to come to grips with it. But I don’t really want to talk about it now (so essentially this post is about nothing).

There's a great sense of loss. But there is no recrimination. There has been no betrayal, and no deliberate inflicting of pain, so there can be no blame.
There have been "emotions", but no intent to harm or hurt.

Honest discussion, yes, difficult at times. But no intemperate tantrums, and no operatic venting.

Except, that is, for the Monkey – who, blitheringly unaware of everything, persists in loudly demanding bananas. As well as a pet turkey - a fantasy friend that he has anticipatorily already named 'Giuseppe Turkey' - Jewcie Turkey for short.
He will have to remain disappointed on that score.
Banana yes. Live bird no.
There will be NO turkey - those things poo all over the place, and are too stupid to live.
The monkey's ability to emote over his frustration serves, perhaps, as an act of proxy.


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Monday, September 20, 2010

ALL THE SCREAMING HOT GEERT WILDERS LOVE

Back in February fellow-blogger Treppenwitz posted something charmingly entitled "Just bite me, OK?!" It was a well-written post, which you might want to reread - especially in light of the peaceful noises coming from Israel's negotiating partners.

Rockets, bullets, insulting statements, and threats.
I am truly impressed by the Palestinian understanding of peace, and I wonder what word they use in their language for that concept.


After I had left a comment underneath, some exemplary product of the American school system saw fit to gently castigate.

QUOTE:
"At the Back of the Class,
Nice to know that you think English-speakers are too ignorant to inform themselves concerning the incredible complexities of the Netherlands. Did you not know that Dutch is one of that very small number of languages that can be successfully translated into English or that some Dutch-speakers are civil enough to inform the world rather than snark at it?
Here is what we see from North America: the pathetic little republic that now occupies the Netherlands is too gutless and incompetent to defend elected officials like Ayaan Hirsi Ali so the US is forced to offer asylum and security to these victims of official Dutch gutlessness. Now we are offered the disgusting spectacle of a Dutch judiciary willing to whore the rule of law to deny the basic right of free speech to a citizen.
There is nothing complex about cowardice and nothing at all surprising about seeing some portion of Dutch speakers who are eager to lick the spittle of savages and collaborate with bullies. Fortunately North America has two free countries that will and have defended the Netherlands while the gutless portion of Dutch speakers muttered into their tulips about the complexity of matters.
Thanks for accusing Laura of ignorance, otherwise we might have thought you a mere fool and not noticed that you were also a poltroon."



Eloquent, no?

What I had written was: "While I will not argue about Geert Wilders here, I really must ask whether you speak and read Dutch? Far too often English speakers are quite unaware of both the slant and the context of Geert Wilders' remarks, and far too often they are willing to believe that they have an accurate picture of the Netherlands.
The situation in the Netherlands is more complex, and in many ways quite different, than has ever been reported in any English-language fora.

I should also mention, by the way, that very few of us Dutch-speakers wear clogs, live in windmills, or grow tulips.
"

This in response to someone who huffily stated that she AGREED WITH EVERYTHING GEERT HAS TO SAY.


I do not agree with everything Geert has to say. But then, I have actually read more of what he has to say than the average dumb-ass Tea Partier (insult intended). Far more.


AGREES WITH EVERYTHING GEERT HAS TO SAY!

"Nice to know that you think English-speakers are too ignorant to inform themselves concerning the incredible complexities of the Netherlands."

As, indeed, your response seems to prove.


"Dutch is one of that very small number of languages that can be successfully translated into English or that some Dutch-speakers are civil enough to inform the world rather than snark at it?"

On the one hand, that is incorrect - Dutch does not translate well into English without tweaking (I have spoken Dutch and English as 'first' languages my entire life - please don't lecture me about either of my native tongues) - on the other hand it is quite clear that you have not read my blog. Had you actually read it, you would notice that I am one of those Dutch speakers who are 'civil enough' (as you put it). Please read my blog before you harangue me - you will find the labels 'Dutch' and 'Rottekaas' particularly useful.


"the pathetic little republic"

You mean 'constitutional monarchy'.


"Now we are offered the disgusting spectacle of a Dutch judiciary willing to whore the rule of law to deny the basic right of free speech to a citizen."

Please be so kind as to study the history of the Netherlands - freedom of speech has always had limits on it in the Netherlands, as indeed elsewhere in Europe, that would not be accepted in the United States. Mein Kampf, for instance, is not legally available. Lèse Majesty carries a prison sentence. Speaking against the monarchy is not advisable. And, for your information, laws against hate-speech do in practice cut both ways.
Do not, from this, assume that I am defending limitations on freedom of speech - for my view on that, read my blog - you will find the labels 'GeerWilders' and 'Fitna' particularly useful.


"some portion of Dutch speakers who are eager to lick the spittle of savages and collaborate with bullies."

Care to say that to my face?


"while the gutless portion of Dutch speakers muttered into their tulips about the complexity of matters."

Please be so kind as to get stuffed.


"Thanks for accusing Laura of ignorance, otherwise we might have thought you a mere fool and not noticed that you were also a poltroon."

I did not accuse, I asked whether she spoke Dutch. Too many people define the Netherlands either as Geert Wilders OR as tulips and clogs. Several more, mostly Americans, think in terms of hashish and the Amsterdam red-light district. Such simplistic views are as irritating as the European idea that all Americans are Indian-killing cowboys and Rednecks. Geert Wilders is not the be all and end all of Western Liberal Humanist values. To think that he is, is to overlook both the complexity of his political evolution and the norms of Dutch politics. Mr. Wilders is perhaps best understood as providing the regular kick in the pants that 'sGravenhage ('The Hague', to you) so desperately needs. Other than that, Dutch politics has a depth and viciousness greater than you seem capable of understanding.

As to who the fools and poltroons are, I maintain that that is still a matter of some debate.



And, further to both the Geert Wilders adulation on the one hand, AND the ignorant comments about the Dutch on the other, this:
Quote:
"Voor de PVV is het helder: weg uit Uruzgan, weg uit Afghanistan. Natuurlijk moet de Taliban worden bestreden, maar niet meer, voor zover we dat al deden, door Nederland. Ons land heeft meer dan genoeg gedaan. Het is mooi geweest. "
End quote.

Translation: 'For the PVV it is clear; get out of Uruzgan, get out of Afghanistan. Of course the Taliban must be fought, but no longer, insofar as we actually did fight them, by the Netherlands. Our nation has done more than enough. It's been fine.'

Those are Geert Wilders' own words. Either he is right, and the Dutch have indeed done more than enough, or he's a spittle-licking gutless etcetera.
Please clarify which of those points of view you endorse.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Labels referenced above:
Rottekaas --- Dutch --- Geert Wilders --- Fitna
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Of course, I never heard back from the gentleman to whom I had addressed my reaction. Possibly his acid-indigestion finally ate his brain on the way out.
But it is much more likely that, like so many worshippers of Geert Wilders, he couldn't find his way back to that comment string.
Not to make an unwarranted assumption, but that type usually can't tell the difference between their xxx and a xxxx in the xxxxxx - he probably wipes the xxx in the xxxxxx.


POST SCRIPTUM

If anyone who reads this also worships Geert Wilders, or has the misapprehension that a luminous orb shines out of his xxx, I will be more than willing to explain all of the long words in the post above - everything over four letters. Because I love you.

Oh, and just so you know - I've lived in the United States most of my life, so I am quite familiar with 'what we see from North America'.
The words 'myopia' (1) and 'tunnel vision' (2) come to mind.


1. MYOPIA = it mean: sight short, eye bad.
2. TUNNEL VISION = it mean: see only what in front of eye, think only what in front of mind.





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A VERY MASCULINE POST

There are just some things that men do automatically that we don't realize women also do.
After all, we DON'T do the things they do, right? They're wired differently. And certain details cannot possibly be the same.

Well, actually, the details are, in the end, mere details.
Degree, not content.

Straight men are hardwired to notice panty lines. And we LIKE panty lines - attention, ladies! - because they accent the area in question very endearingly, and give it spatial definition. Panty lines are charming, warm, and wonderful things.

Men like panties, period.

Women like boxer shorts.


No, they REALLY like 'em!

A while back several women were talking disparagingly about tidy whities. When you see a man wearing tidy whities (aka men's briefs) it is a complete turn-off. Unless you're into snogging granddad, in which case it might be quite the visual ticket. Nothing, apparently, says crusty old-git like a pair of men's briefs. Especially if they're baggy.

A man wearing boxer shorts, on the other hand, looks hot. Especially if they are dark blue and nicely patterned. HOT!!!


MY ATTENTION WANDERING BRISKLY.....

I mention all this because I was seated in the back of the bus today, which put me roughly on eye-level with a number of posteriors (it being a crowded bus, with many standees).
A lovely view improves any trip. Nice young ladies heading to work or school are better for the soul than any amount of morning-coffee.

[For reasons which I shall not go into now, I have rediscovered that I (still) have all the eye-skills of a dirty-old man. I'm more keenly observant now than I have been for a long time. Let's just say that I am newly in-touch with the fact that I am indeed a very sensitive man. Leave it at that.]


This morning I discovered something else; men ALSO show panty lines. If they are wearing briefs. There was a young gentleman in the aisle with well-cut slacks, a trim athletic form, and good posture. And briefs. Thick sturdily sewn briefs.
A Sears-Roebuck ridge across the rump is VERY emasculating - it took his possible male competitiveness right back down to zero; his panty-line detracted from the image he could have presented.

Everything he says in that business meeting will be for naught once he turns to the visual projected on the board.

Yes, women will look at him. But NOT that way.

I, on the other hand, really enjoyed the view. Imagine my face scrunched up like Kermit the Frog with that quizzical expression.......

You see, I am wearing boxers.
Dark blue boxers!
With a very NICE educated pattern.
Ladies, feel free to imagine me wearing ONLY boxers. Please dwell upon that image if you wish.
Thank you.


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Friday, September 17, 2010

IT'S RAINING GHEE

Well, not a chance of Indian food anytime soon. Bollocks.
Don't think I'm particularly hungry right now.

I'm going to miss going out for dinner with her.

Some people just make a meal festive by their presence.


I regret not having ever taken her to the place where I was part-time cashier for so many years. I would have liked for her to meet Jeet Singh Rawat and Gopal-ji.

Of course, the long-time presence of the Tamil she-devil and the over-sexed headwaiter rather precluded that.

She would've ended up throwing gulab jamun at them.
Her aim is excellent. Dab hand at flinging.

It's too late for that now.

Bollocks.



Sometimes you wake up from a dream and everything has changed.
And you wonder why you cannot get that dream back.
She would've loved the dum aloo vindaloo.



Thank god that man has very white tastes.
A surfeit of ghee would probably kill him.



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Thursday, September 16, 2010

ZOMBIE JESUS DOESN’T TOUCH HIMSELF!

The title is self-explanatory. Think of this expression as the mating display of a particularly filthy bird – it attracts attention, and no matter how much the eye wants to pull away it cannot. The mental image of a half-decomposed zombie with a golden aura, studiously avoiding his own putrefying flesh, is ……… a remarkably religious experience!

The very epitome of saintliness, in fact. Comforting. And wholesome.


I am not Zombie Jesus. This post, consequently, is more than a little bit masturbatory.


Now that I have your complete attention, here's a sampling of recent comments left under this blog. Some by me, some by my readers (few of whom come here for the corpses). Go ahead and speculate on the nature of my readers, and what rich inner lives they and I have.


1. September 1, 2010.
"I doubt that the living dead could metabolize alcohol efficiently. Given that many of their body functions would have shut down due to them being, technically, deceased, alcohol would probably go straight through to the intestines and kill the complex flora and fauna needed to digest complex proteins such as brain matter, necks, shoulders, arms, guts, or goo."

2. August 26, 2010.
"My roommate installed a clock in our bathroom, which I find baffling. If there is one place in the house where time is irrelevant....."

3. August 19, 2010.
"Of course they're puffing themselves: that's their job."

4. August 13, 2010
"Or, as described in the hitchhiker's guide, "New York City in the fall smells as if someone has been frying a goat in it" And yes, I do know that quote from memory."

5. August 5, 2010.
"Well, you ARE a weird white man. I will give you that. Cootch bucket, eh?"

6. July 30, 2010.
"Oh, you'd be surprised how many people that offends, on all sides."

7. July 27, 2010.
"Maybe they could move in with the ops department from your work."

8. July 18, 2010.
"Don't they realize how truly anachronistic they are?"

9. June 30, 2010.
"I would like to think that the colony of raccoons would be sharing their church with a colony of bats."


And, because Atboth's law states that the longer a comment string continues, the greater is the chance of a Monty Python reference being thrown into the fray.....

10. June 24, 2010.
"People called 'Romanes' they go the house!"


See, in a way these ten quotes are an entire discussion which makes just as much sense contra-chronologically as it does in the order given.
We've all had such conversations........

If you're really lucky it isn't all in your head.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

NOTE: This post is dedicated to the voters of the Delaware Tea Party, and the Republican they have chosen to represent them as their candidate in November: Christine O'Donnell. Who is FOR the dear lord, and AGAINST masturbation.
No doubt she would be a far happier person if she was FOR masturbation, and she would almost certainly not have ended up the winner of the Republican Senatorial primary if the voters of Delaware had unequivocally been AGAINST it.
Bless them all.


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Wednesday, September 15, 2010

DELAWARE - LAND OF PINHEADS AND GIANTS

In Delaware, a state with a long history of opposition to masturbation and science, the Teaparty has scored a major victory. As of today, their Republican candidate for the Senate is an angry woman who never graduated college, and has spoken in public about masturbation.


Let me clarify that: Christine O'Donnell is an anti-masturbation crusader. All masturbation should cease.

Apparently it didn't work for her.

Or her hypothetical husband.


[See: http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2010/09/the_ranks_of_moderate_establis.html]



BAN MASTURBATION!

You know, I never thought I would ever use that sentence. But now is the time. If casual sex leads to unwanted babies, obviously masturbation leads to Christine O'Donnell.
Don't ask me how.
It's just a theory - like creationism.

QUOTE: "Well, as the senator from Tennessee mentioned, evolution is a theory and it's exactly that. There is not enough evidence, consistent evidence to make it as fact, and I say that because for theory to become a fact, it needs to consistently have the same results after it goes through a series of tests. The tests that they put — that they use to support evolution do not have consistent results. Now too many people are blindly accepting evolution as fact. But when you get down to the hard evidence, it's merely a theory."

That's from Christine O'Donnell, stalwart citizen and conservative people's choice in Delaware, on one of her favourite subjects.
Likely she will demand the repeal of evolution once she's elected.
Which she will be, oh yes she will, beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Not because the people of the Great State of Delaware are poltroons, or complete imbeciles, or just plumb bat-shit loony, but because in addition to all that, they really want to be entertained.
They're like regular Americans in that respect.

We Americans like our politicians to be rather amusing and not significantly smarter than ourselves. We'll vote for candidates who provide us with funny material, or 'can you BELIEVE he said that' moments. It explains Bush, Schwarzenegger, Gingrich.

People in Delaware resemble us greatly.

Except that they're willing to push the envelope much farther than we would.


They'll make Christine O'Donnell their senator. She's a chaste woman, a creationist, someone's daughter, and, in so many ways, representative of the people of Delaware.


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Tuesday, September 14, 2010

WOBBLY PLATES

I now face several choices which I did not expect to have to make in my life, certainly not at this time. Situations have changed, and certain things which were fundamental are now less so.
Forgive me for being coy – I do not wish to share the details yet, as I am still in the process of digesting matters, making sense of it all, coming to terms.
I just want you to know that if things seem a little strange here over the next few months, it isn’t you. It’s me. And I apologize.


KOL HASCHALOS KASHOS

Life changes, and developments force you to grow. Sometimes great flexibility is required, but if you face issues saying gamzu le tova, you may be surprised at how much personal resilience you can muster, and how different circumstances lead to new things and pleasant discoveries.
Over time some of those new things will probably appear on this blog.
[Heck, that's pretty much guaranteed. ]

Please bear in mind that I will impart my view and impose my interpretation. It may be transparent, but that does not mean that it is insincere.
A certain level of dissimulation is natural, and I am a devious man.


Note of dreary reassurance: No, this is NOT job-related. Nor an ideological shift of any kind. And no, I am not joining the Foreign Legion. Or any freakazoid cult.
I have no intention of doing a Michael Jackson, having ill-advised plastic surgery, disappearing into the jungle, or undergoing a complete sex and identity change.
[Although if YOU intend to do any of those things, I will be fascinated by all the dirty details you wish to share – please send pictures.]

Again, there may be odd things here over the next few months. Think of it as a project in process. There is no real plan as yet, that will come with time – but I’m flying by the seat of my pants at present.


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Friday, September 10, 2010

STRAWBERRY CAKE!

Fellow San Franciscan and blogger Steffy Chou has put up a post baldly telling people what she wants for her birthday.
It is quite the verbal portrait of an individualist, despite her claim that "ALL teenagers are alike". Perhaps so, but some are clearly far less alike than others.......


"Maybe another big book about Italian food? Or a copy of the Larouse Gastronomique in English."


The post is a remarkable document, as the people who read her blog have almost certainly never met her, and the people she knows personally probably have no clue that she blogs.
So it’s really an exercise in imagination, or wishful thinking.

EXAMPLE:
"Please do NOT get me anymore Hello Kitty stuff. When you’re not even five feet tall, Hello Kitty shit just makes you look infantile. Not feminine. It's kinda silly. Please think in terms of chocolate."


I have never met her.

But I think I can describe her pretty well.

“You are long-haired, and fairly small. You probably stick your tongue out at people often, mentally at least. You don't particularly like most adults, though there are some you get along with well - primarily if they aren't boring. None of the friends and relatives you described above are boring, though some are not entirely comfortable with your interests or obsessions; your burning curiosity sometimes gives them a feeling of disquiet - less so if they are older and have long been elsewhere in the world.”


For some reason I'm thinking of *CHOCOLATE* right now.

It’s probably a good thing that we’ve never met, as she would probably smack me fiercely in the face with a pie. Over the past year or so I’ve pushed several envelopes in the comments underneath her blog posts. Feisty teenagers do NOT react with equanimity when teased.

Still. Meeting a person like that would be fun. And despite the danger of ending up with sticky fruit-gloop all over my face and a broken jaw (say, what kind of pie WAS that?), it would probably be worth it. At the very least I could dare her to lick off the crumbs, after which I would buy her strawberry cake. She sounds ... nice.


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Thursday, September 09, 2010

SAY SOMETHING NICE!

I am in receipt of an e-mail which made me smile. It’s always nice when someone takes time out of their busy schedule to send you a compliment – especially when it’s for a remarkable quality, skill, or characteristic.
As one of my coworkers did today.


"You are a very bad man, and I mean that in a good way."


See, stuff like that nearly makes me cry. It's so sweet! Thank you!
I had suggested that certain young visitors to the company needed rigid supervision in order to have fun.

Controlled fun. Strict guidance. Laugh on cue, dammit! Now clap and squeal!
Here's some sugar.
Sugar!
It's educational.



We still had some cake left over from Shank Dog's farewell party last week. It sat out on the kitchen counter from Wednesday till this Tuesday afternoon. I believe some kind soul must have refrigerated it since. And obviously it would be ideal for the little dears - surely they weren't expecting anything better? Cake with an image of an assault rifle on the icing. Perfect.

I also had a vision of running them around the block several times, but today's juveniles are just so out of shape. Pudgy. There's no way they could pull a chariot with a middle-aged man yelling "mush, mush". At least not with any great speed.
Fat lazy little peckers.



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WISE WORDS

QUOTE:
"It is important to remember that about 5 percent of our population is and always will be totally crazy. I don’t mean mentally ill. According to the National Institute for Mental Health, 26 percent of American adults suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in any given year. So, basically, that’s just normal life. I mean crazy in the sense of “Thinks it is a good plan to joke with the flight attendant about seeing a bomb in the restroom.”

There is nothing you can do about the crazy 5 percent except ask the police to keep an eye on them during large public events ......... "



Taken from an article in the NYT.

-------------------------------------------------------

Naturally this is relevant to both the Mosque and the planned scriptural combustion.

I'm not vested in the five percent figure - judging by some of the things I've read in recent weeks, it might be more than fifteen percent. Either way, a substantial and totally unreassuring number.


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Wednesday, September 08, 2010

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Le shana tova tikasevu ve sechasemu le chayim tovim u le shalom, be sifran shel tzaddikim gamurim!

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

PALESTINIAN SHOW-STOPPER

Palestinian warlord Mahmoud Abbas yesterday demonstrated his inability to negotiate in good faith.
This was not surprising – Abbas knows that his political life is circumscribed by two things:

1. No yielding on the intemperate demands of his hardliners (not only among the Palestinian terrorist factions, but also the other terrorist groupings so generously supported by Arab governments).

2. No peace. Ever. Even if it means continual violence and chaos.


Abbas, showing the characteristic duplicity of his mentor, insisted that he will not agree on realistic borders, refuses to accept the right of Jews to build in their land, demanded that several million people who were never in British Mandate Palestine be admitted into Israel pronto, and restated his refusal to recognize Israel as a Jewish state.


Abbas knows that yielding on any of these points will result in either his own demise, or being forced into exile. Peace would also bring far greater scrutiny and limitations on the endemic corruption of the Palestinian Authority, and might even make the Europeans realize that their generous support of this rapacious clique has resulted in an entirely new class of Arab millionaire.
In this day of diminished expectations, the doctrinaire socialists among the European legislators might have to answer hard questions from their constituencies about such counterproductive spendthriftiness - which explains of course why the Europeans are upset that they weren't invited to the negotiations; one can do much more damage on the inside.
No sitting European politician sincerely wants peace.


Evenso, the chance of these negotiations succeeding is remote. The only possible outcome is a number of photos that show the US president smiling between Netanyahu and the Palestinian warlord.

Followed eventually by pictures of the Secretary of State smiling between Netanyahu and the Palestinian warlord.


POLITICAL EXPEDIENCE

President Obama sides with the PA on many issues - perhaps in an effort to pander to the Arabs, whose oil and quiescence we still need. But cognizant of the damage it would do to his image and his party's prospects come November, he has not made any overt declarations. It is in Obama's interest to keep the veil on this farce from being lifted, and the smoke and mirrors from being exposed, for another two months.
For that to succeed, both Netanyahu and the PW would have to keep up the energetic public pretence of bland good-faith diplomacy. A certain level of subtlety is required of both men.
Mahmoud Abbas, by demanding that Obama intervene and force the Jews to continue the building freeze, may have ruined the prospect of any further charades. By so crudely playing to the extremist peanut-gallery, Abbas did Obama no favours.
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Crossposted at PRO-ISRAEL BAY BLOGGERS;
http://proisraelbaybloggers.blogspot.com/
This post:
PALESTINIAN SHOW-STOPPER;
http://proisraelbaybloggers.blogspot.com/2010/09/palestinian-show-stopper.html

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Friday, September 03, 2010

GIRL JUST GOTTA HAVE FUN!

As a child I was exposed to much the same literature as others of my age - talking animals, strange creatures performing marvelous exploits, and men transforming into monsters - Beatrix Potter, Lloyd Alexander, and Robert A. Heinlein or even some grotty Frenchman.
Plus magic, mythology, folk tales, and Germanic and Celtic legends.

In addition to a hedgehog that did laundry and a wondrous pig, I also learned about witches, warlocks, vampires, and werewolves, along with shapeshifters, avatars, and magical beasts in disguise.
I am a sleek panther crossing the roof tops of the city, I am a crow pecking at a cadaver.
In my mind my scales reflect gold and I chew cattle bones.

This, naturally, brings up cross-dressing.

What if one could at will change one's gender? Be a were-sexual, as it were?


GENDERALLY SPEAKING

What it would be like to be "the widow Betty", elegant and wistful in mourning weeds?
Which seductive hue of lipstick would be appropriate? Do corsets also come in black? Are high-heels REALLY that idiotic?

1. Morocco by Laura Paige; 2. yes they do; 3. and yes they are. Painful too.

[
Morocco: "Keep your lips soft, subtle and beautiful with this creamy, smooth, lasting lipstick that glides on sheer, sensual colour. Delivers a radiant, smooth finish that keeps lips soft and supple all day".]

The first answer is based on good taste, the second on profound research, the third on a connoisseur's knowledge of anatomy.

I do not have to experiment, no testing is required.
I'm not buying black anytime soon.

Like Ranma Nibun-no-Ichi, the actual form is immaterial. Ranma shifts back and forth between being a boy and being a girl, but remains the same person, even if in his feminine form he is capable of putting on the blinky-eyed little babydoll act, for entirely selfish and manipulative man-child motives. He remains a boy, no matter how curvaceous and downright sexy his female incarnation.

I am not like Ranma, but far more like grandmaster Happosai.

"The very definition of a dirty old man, Happosai is the grandmaster and founder of the Anything Goes Martial Arts school. Genma and Soun were his original disciples, but they got fed up having to steal lingerie and food for the old lecher and decided to try and finish him off. They were quite surprised when he showed up many years later to make them miserable and find a successor in the Art. Unfortunately for Ranma, he was the incorrigible old freak's choice. He is an immensely skilled and powerful martial artist, with but one weakness: bras, panties, and pantyhose. Happosai is so obscenely addicted to his perversion that he suffers from withdrawal if he goes without them for an extended period. He is always scheming to get people to help him on his "panty raids", but often gets disrupted by Ranma, boosting his dislike for the boy, though ironically he lusts after his female form. It seems as though he always shows up at the most inconvenient moments. Happosai can go to great lengths to ruin the life of anyone that displeases him, but usually chooses silly methods. He nonetheless shows a soft spot for children." [Source: WIKIPEDIA]

We all have an image of ourselves as different characters in a tale. Sometimes it closely overlaps reality, sometimes it differs enormously. Suffice to say that in reality Happosai and I are not at all alike.
I am totally not interested in panty hose.

Some men are. Interested in pantyhose, that is. Being what fills the stockings, rather than feeling the filled stockings.

They don't have gender-issues, really, they know exactly what they like and what they are.
They just choose to be differently engendered.

One of my favourite people dresses up like a hard-nosed office-bitch type to go out to dinner with friends, which are followed by cocktails in a quiet and tasteful dive. He's been doing it for years, and is entirely the lady.
His girlfriend has known about it for a long time now, but accepts that occasionally he just needs to be herself. As do we.

You go, girl.

It's cool.

He's the same person, whether he's wearing a banker's suit or a trim little skirt.
Sometimes it takes a real man to be a lady.
I am always in awe of the flexibility and breadth of his self-image.

And sweet Jesus, do his legs look great in panty hose!


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Thursday, September 02, 2010

WHERE DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN IT RAINS?

There are times when the destination is the point of the journey, times when the journey itself is the point. And sometimes it is neither. The way-stations of the journey are what is important.

I was watching the cat-bus scene from My Neighbor Totoro recently, when I realized that only the large dignified furry creature was actually going somewhere. The two little girls were just waiting - the place itself was the purpose, though neither the beginning nor end of their journey.

There should have been a restaurant or café at that bus-stop. Or perhaps a noodle shop. But if there had been such a business, they would not have shared the umbrella with the troll.

Really, there's only one indoors environment in the universe where I could imagine the troll waiting for transit in the company of two little girls.


THE STATION RESTAURANT
One of the pleasures of life is arriving early at Amsterdam Central Station, so that one may refresh oneself while waiting for the train to Bun Futz in Brabant (or wherever you are going). You do this at the Grand Café Restaurant in the terminal, next to track 2B.
High ceilings. Palm trees. Coffee. A parrot.

[Address: Stationsplein 15, Centraal Station, Amsterdam; Postal code: 1012 AB. Tel: (020) 625 01 31 Fax: (020) 625 01 31]


SUMATRA HALF-CORONAS
Until a few years ago you could still smoke inside, now alas that is verboden. Times change.

In 1975 and 1976 I was there several times, enjoying the typical Dutch pleasures of a cigar and a demitasse. Sometimes a pastry, sometimes a light meal. And sometimes a big bowl of ice cream - I was, after all, still in my mid-teens, and still had childish tastes. But always a smoke, timed exactly for the period before boarding.
Once, when it was crowded, I shared the table with an angular elderly gentleman reading a newspaper. Our only moments of contact had been when I asked if he minded me sitting there, and when he had borrowed my matches to light up. After finishing his cigar he folded his newspaper very neatly, stood up, and said "bedankt voor de vriendelijke stilte, het was zeer aangenaam" ('thanks for the friendly silence, it was very enjoyable'). He then went to catch the train for the Hague, which was arriving at that precise moment.

Twelve minutes later I finished my cigar just as the train for 'sHertogenbosch pulled in.

No wasted tobacco - there's something to be said for a Dutch sense of time.


Whenever you go to Amsterdam, visit the Station Restaurant. Same thing in Antwerp. These two places are, really, the beginning and end-points of the Dutch world. Both train stations evoke the era of foreign possessions and prosperity born from tropical imports, both speak of a different time, and a different sense of our place in the universe.
They have outlived the empires. One no longer drinks coffee from "our" Java, the cigars are no longer from "our" Sumatra. The Dutch coffee and Tea companies are now largely owned by Sarah Lee, the cigar companies are almost all held by Swedish Match, and many of the great mercantile enterprises are now headquartered elsewhere.
Even the rattan in the chairs comes from 'just someplace warm'.
At the other end of the platform there is now a Burger King for the feckless. Times have changed.


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Wednesday, September 01, 2010

GUNS, NUDES, METAL OBJECTS

Evidence of the Product Development Department’s eccentric agenda is mounting. Not only was there that incident at the window with the assault rifle (mentioned in a previous post), but we have seen the fish. Specifically, a large fish (five feet?) mounted on a board. We do not know what the fish represented, or why it was there.
As a company, we do not deal in fish.

Additionally, there are the photos. Many disturbing photos, which gradually revealed several themes: Nostrils. Beer. Motorcycles. Beer. Piracy. Beer. Greek violence. Beer. Body parts. Beer. Carboard tubes, beer, and strange nude dolls. Beer. Fried food. Beer.

A head-sized open face Reuben sandwich.

Shank Dog grimly insists that all of these things were involved in ‘research’. His jaw is clenched. He looks pale. His loyal staff nod affirmatively.

What, we sneeringly ask, could one possibly research with weapons, fetiches, and beer?

They cannot answer. They are mute.


They are hungover.

Yesterday was Shank Dog’s penultimate day at the company. True to form, it involved massive amounts of beer. Except for the fleshy old gal with the negligee and a feather boa, plus the man in Texas, everyone was complicit in an attempt to drink him under the table.
Ten years with the company. That means a lot of beer - some of it drunk through a luncheon meat straw.
I also recall a tub of onion dip and a bag of large gummy insects. Green and red and yellow. And beer.

Today, the giant fish, the oil-portrait of the elderly feathered bawd (someone’s mother?), the assault rifles, and the hospital gurney are leaving the building forever. More beer.
Bon voyage, Shank Dog. And G-d speed.
We’ll read about you in the papers one of these days.
I'm sure of it.
Beer.


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