It turns out that I am not the only person with my name. There's someone else out there.
Not surprising, really - unless you're named Johan Gambolputty...of Ulm you probably have at least one name double in your precise gobernia.
But the problem is that MyLife has decided that I am he.
[No, not Johan Gambolputty etcetera, what were you thinking?]
And so have a number of other internet-troll enterprises.
They send me e-mails telling me what a wonderful and exciting life he could have. Apparently tons of hot hot hot chicks are desperate to find him.
What they'd do with him after they find him is only hinted at.
It's anybody's guess.
Housebreak him?
Perhaps they'd harvest his organs.
Although, judging by some of the other e-mail, that just might not be worth the effort.
He's younger than me. And he needs more Viagra than I could possibly even think of using, too.
I have reason to suspect that he has male pattern baldness. As well as weak knees. Urinary incontinence, insomnia, halitosis, arthritis, recurring paralysis, sweaty palms, athletes foot, ringing in the ears, irritable bowel syndrome, radiculitis, neuralgia, and a limp handshake.
So no, I wouldn't want to be him.
Even with all the stunning shiksas trying to hunt him down and domesticate him.
THE THRILL OF IT ALL
Unbeknownst to MyLife and several other similar enterprises, I am fifty one years old.
Still springy. Vibrantly alive. Foxy good looks. Got all my hair. Enchantingly delightful to cuddle with. Relatively kind and gentlemanly. A stable and sane resident of San Francisco.
No tattoos. No piercings. No communicable diseases.
I know how to cook. And I've been told I have a sense of humour.
Plus I have brio!
These things must count for something.
Even without a electronic horde of comely maidens in pursuit.
But I shall not disabuse MyLife (and its many kindred companies) of their surprising estimations. There is no need for them to know the truth, it shall not set them free.
I proudly remain imperfectly domesticatable.
Besides, I'm rather enjoying finding out what a miserable goober that other me is.
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All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
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A DUMPSTER FIRE OF TWITTERY
Often while at work I get to hear the sour old dingbats in the backroom spouting Republican drivel and venom. Which does not leave me positi...
4 comments:
Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern schplenden schlitter crasscrenbon fried digger dingle dangle dongle dungle burstein von knacker thrasher apple banger horowitz ticolensic grander knotty spelltinkle grandlich grumblemeyer spelterwasser kurstlich himbleeisen bahnwagen gutenabend bitte ein nürnburger bratwustle gerspurten mitz weimache luber hundsfut gumberaber shönedanker kalbsfleisch mittler aucher von Hautkopf of Ulm
To do justice to this man, thought by many to be the greatest name in German Baroque music, we present a profile of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern schplenden schlitter crasscrenbon fried digger dingle dangle dongle dungle burstein von knacker thrasher apple banger horowitz ticolensic grander knotty spelltinkle grandlich grumblemeyer spelterwasser kurstlich himbleeisen bahnwagen gutenabend bitte ein nürnburger bratwustle gerspurten mitz weimache luber hundsfut gumberaber shönedanker kalbsfleisch mittler aucher von Hautkopf......
.... of Ulm.
At the risk of raisng existetial questios at an useasonably early hour in the day: what the heck is MyLife?
When I notice a client has halitosis/bad breath or tonsil stones despite having healthy teeth & gums, I advise the client to visit the site of Oraltech Labs. I can report that most clients return visits have undetectable Halitosis/bad breath. So if all else fails direct them to Oraltech Labs. USA & UK. Association of Dental Health
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