Friday, July 10, 2009


Let us imagine that you are seated at a cafe terrace in Europe, and you have ordered a refreshing cup of coffee. A pert and charming young waitress comes tripping over with a tray. She puts the cup and saucer down. She puts down the bowl of sugar. And, just before she skips off, you notice that the cream is missing. You NEED cream!

So, in your best French, you venture "I can see your nipples!".


What you actually meant to say was "avez vous somekinda dairy produit pour mon tasse de strong cafe?"

I did mention that she was pert and charming, did I not?

Let us just say that you slipped on a bit of Freud. Happens to the best of us.


The point of this is that there are some things you should NEVER say to a woman. Ever.
It may be true - you may indeed have a splendid view of her strawberries. Just shut up. She doesn't need to know that, and you don't need the coffee dumped on your head. Be still.

One of the truly bad things to say to a woman is "yes, it makes you look fat".
You know what the situation is in which that phrase might crop up, and you studiously try to avoid it.

Even more awfull is "you resemble your mother".
If you didn't marry her mother, don't say it.
And even if you did, don't.

Hands down worst: "you used to be so pretty!".

It does not matter what the context is, once the statement "you used to be so pretty" has been uttered, the conversation takes a terrifying turn to the dark side.
If you're lucky, World War Three breaks out before the psycho-torture starts.
If you're unlucky, World War Three breaks out before the psycho-torture starts.

The sentence "you used to be so pretty" is guaranteed to change the complexion of your day dramatically. It has the magic ability to call up overcast and fog. Not to mention sleet and icy winds.
And four horsemen.


There are three photos of Savage Kitten as a little girl that are especially charming. One of them shows her holding a small furry creature. She really did use to be such a pretty child.
Utterly perfect, in fact.

Like almost all American women she lacks confidence about her looks as an adult.

Knowing since early childhood that the busty blondes on Charlie's Angels were the epitome of gorgeousness, that the ideal female form is between Barbie and a Coca Cola bottle, and that Bo Derek is ten, an awareness of her own non-approximation of the ideal is buried deep within her psyche.

Because of that, I do not have prints of those three charming childhood photos. Nor do I carry her picture in my wallet, or have it framed on my desk.
She used to be so pretty......
But at the end of the day, the person I wish to see again is the adult. Grouchy, moody, snarky, or spouting nerdy humour and Monty Python quotes. The girl who loves drama-bitch movie stars and queen-sized acting. The woman who snarfs shrimp-chips while watching the tackiest show on teevee, hooting at the bucket-loads of vulgarity and bad-taste. The fine-boned bonbon with a foul Toishanese vocabulary and a feral intolerance for idiots.
Just as she is today.

Sweetie-Pie, you used to be such a pretty child.

But now, you're one heck of a delicious woman (and I think I can see your ni.........).

If you ever wonder why I'm just staring at you, now you know.


Telmac said...


Telmac said...


The back of the hill said...


Ooops, I forgot. Nipples are not appropriate for middle-school students at a Modern Orthodox Jewish day school.

Forget I said nipples. I did not say nipples. There are no nipples here at all. Move along, folks, no nipples to see here. Not a nipple in sight.

Please imagine that I said straps instead. There. That's much better.

The back of the hill said...

And if, by some strange mischance, there ARE nipples at that Modern Orthodox Jewish day school, I demand to be the FIRST to know!
In fact, I insist that you tell me all about them.

The back of the hill said...

Come on, out with it, who owns those nipples? And can we move them?

The back of the hill said...

Straps. Not nipples. Straps.

Can we remove the straps? They are a distraction.

Or even, perhaps, a distraption.

Tzipporah said...

this is one of the strangest love letters I have ever read.

Good job.

GRANT!PATEL! said...

Yes! Nipples! Tell us all about nipples, Telmac, nipples!

We want nipples now. There should be at least TWO of them.

---Pronston Nippoosnatcher

GRANT!PATEL! said...

All perky, too.

---Dwayne Butterfinger

Spiros said...

Alright, who woke up Patel Sahib?

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