At the back of the hill

Warning: If you stay here long enough you will gain weight! Grazing here strongly suggests that you are either omnivorous, or a glutton. And you might like cheese-doodles.
BTW: I'm presently searching for another person who likes cheese-doodles.
Please form a caseophilic line to the right. Thank you.

Monday, August 26, 2013


Recently I witnessed an argument between two Shanghainese. Shanghainese (上海話) is one of the Hu languages (滬語), and preserves a full range of voiced initials which most other Sinitic languages have lost. What this means is that it sounds much more like an exploding soda-water syphon than any other tongue.

Hissing, spitting, and a torrent of sibilant lisping.

Both gentlemen were mouth-foamingly peevish.

The only phrases I understood were "ngu we taa .....", "nong ye wu hou", and "nong szzzz kau pi". At least I think I understood them, but I'm just guessing. Respectively: 'I will hit .....', 'you are no good', and 'you are a dog fart'.
Plus: lo gang leu (old fool), and chahnaa (*%^&!).

我會打 .....、 儂吔無好、 儂是狗屁。

There are times when I wish I had a recording device.

The five clansmen

I should point out that by the standards of the Cantonese, all other Chinese are rank amateurs when it comes to foul language. It's that sheer absence of any talent for venomous eloquence and lyric filth. They have no imagination. When a non-Cantonese speaker veers into blue territory, you can tell that they are steamingly frustrated, to the point of stuttering and howling. They just aren't able to fully express what they feel at that moment.
Anger renders them stumble-tongued.

Your average Cantonese person, on the other hand, suffers no such lingual handicap, and will measurably grow in enthusiasm as the verbal bile flows, expressing his or her ire in a torrent of ever-more expressive locutions.
Remarks on the putridity of someone else's maternal reproductive passage, the suitability of entombing the other individual's entire family, a plague to hit nine generations of the respondent's clan, and observing that the other person or a female relative is a garrulous incest-committing old hag, are all merely the beginning.
All of the above might occur in one short sentence.
Hearing the comma is a talent.

Purely for reference purposes, the five most common unprintable words in Cantonese are: diu (𨳒 or 屌), hai (屄 or 閪, with euphemistic alternatives 鞋 and 蟹), kau (鳩 or 尻), lan (𨶙 or 撚), chat (柒 or 𨳍). Collectively they are known as 'the magnificent five' (一門五傑).
The first one (diu) is the copulatory act (as a verb often represented by 挑), the second word (hai) refers to a portion of the female anatomy, the third (kau) is a male regenerative organ often used adverbially, likewise the fourth (lan), and the fifth (chat) refers to the same part rendered pro-actively non-malleable.
With the copious addition of adjectives, their utility is infinite.
There are a huge number of other unprintables.

The toxic effectiveness of all words above are increased by judicious combination with 'nei lou mou' (你老母 your old mother), 'chau' (臭 putrid, odouriferous), 'gau' (狗 dog), 'chi-sin' (痴線 imbecilic, insane), 'soh' (傻 idiotic), 'si' (屎 fewmet), and 'sei' (死 dead). Throwing 'nei-ge' (你嘅 your; possessive second person singular) in between the first part and the second part changes the first part into a verb, and may make an entirely innocuous sentence insulting.
Appending 'nei-ge tau' (你嘅頭 your head) does the same.
Tau (頭) can be replaced by certain nouns.
Such as hai, kau, lan, chat.
Et mult altres.

Practise makes perfect.

NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.


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