KNOWING WHEN TO SPEAK

Over the years I have learned that there are some things you don't say to a woman.
Common-sense remarks can change in mid-air to a lit stick of dynamite or flying poo, and it is wise to be aware of the possibility of miraculous transformation of your innocuous words. No, there's no logical explanation.
It's one of life's mysteries.
Things that seem perfectly logical to a man may make little sense to the opposite gender.

This morning I remarked to my room-mate and former significant other that she spent an inordinate amount of time getting ready for work, what with tromping to the hallway mirror to check her appearance, then going back into her room to put on a different pair of slacks, try another blouse, a brooch instead of a pin, a clasp instead of a necklace, other shoes......
She looked fine. Stop worrying about it. Perfectly all right, trust me.

To me the whole process is very simple.

Pants. Clean shirt. Run comb through hair. Done.

I rely on my sparkling personality to be sufficient extra adornment.


MIRROR, MIRROR...

Often I'm still happily ensconced in the bathroom with my second cup of coffee, having a cigar, reading, and listening to the flock of wild parrots screeching overhead, or the caws of the neighborhood crows - entirely at peace with the world - when I hear her frantically clipping up to the mirror..... pausing a few seconds, swearing under her breath, returning down the hall.....
I can tell from the footsteps that she is angry and frustrated.
She then does it again, repeatedly. It's VERY disturbing.

I never know when to holler out "have a great day, be well!"
She may be right near the front door, but I can't judge when she's going to open it and leave.
It's a period of mounting tension.

Clean shirt. Pants. Same shoes as yesterday. Simple.
Try it.
You won't need any jewelry either, just be your own sparkling self.
Just like me.


So this morning I said so.

Before I even got to work, there's was a very long message on my voicemail telling me that she had taken a quick poll among her coworkers. Apparently ten minutes is NOT excessive, but in fact WAY under par.
All of them took far longer. Most opined that forty minutes or so was normal.
Why, it was completely unreasonable NOT to take all possible precautions and pro-active measures before leaving the house, and feeling confident about one's appearance was something every woman should do. It was, in fact, a sensible and altogether reasonable practice, more people (especially men) should do it.
Her coworkers were adamant that anything less than half an hour was just not enough!

Okay. That's them.

But I still think it's a waste of time.

As long as they're wearing clothes, the world is a better place.


You are different.


But that's probably one more thing I should add to the list of things not to say.



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