Thursday, February 17, 2011


If you work in an office building, you are at the mercy of whoever has access to the intercom. Which may be building management, the building engineers, or some bozo.

The person here who tells us about the monthly fire alarm testing is irritatingly loquacious.

Fortunately, it takes place when I am the only one left in the office.

I've often wondered what goes on in his brain. And whether he has an off-switch.


And on that note, let's speculate about public service announcements you do NOT want to hear when you are at the office.

"Will the owner of the red corvette please come downstairs - parking enforcement is about to tow it away, with your wife still in it."

"A fire is burning out of control on the second floor - please evacuate floors three through forty immediately - remember to use the stairs."

"Holiday wine and cheese reception in the third floor conference room - where AA normally meets at this time."

"Do not flush until further notice - there's a problem."

"Do not be alarmed - that sound was elevator #2 crashing. All other elevators are still operational."

I do not wish to imply that our building is badly managed, or that things often go wrong.
Merely that I have doubts about the smarts of some of the people who work here.
Myself entirely excluded.


Sometimes I wish my apartment had a public address system.
I could've warned me away from some the stupider things I've done.

Recent rainy day food experiments, for instance.

Seedless grapes and sliced jalapeños with blue cheese melted over.
Spam and jam - a whole jar of habañero jam, an entire can of Spam.
Corn-chipotle chowder. With crunchy hot-sauce toasted croutons.
Deep-fried shredded wheat biscuits, dusted with cayenne.

And lastly, sour cream and onion chips wrapped in a tortilla and drenched with Tabasco.

[It's simple. You need the tortilla to keep the chips from getting soggy.]

All of these experiments happened during inclement weather, when it was far too miserable outside to go food-shopping.
I just rooted around on the shelves and put together a snack with bold flavours, and textural appeal.
Then added to it ( I have an extensive selection of condiments).
The results were often delicious. Highly recommended!

A time came when I regretted what I ate.

I'm trying to figure it out.
Perhaps the common denominator here is rain.
These things always happened when it was pouring outside.
Rain influences the digestive system. Gout, acid, and worse.
And rain is depressing, which also affects the stomach.
I don't like wet.

NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.


Tzipporah said...

I'm pretty sure the bad common denominator is vegetables, here. Avoid them.

The back of the hill said...

I'm pretty sure the bad common denominator is vegetables, here. Avoid them.

I think you’re right. Treacherous things, those vegetables.
Particularly corn.

I’ve heard that vegetables should ALWAYS be washed down with Kaopectate™. But only if it was smuggled in from Canada.
Precise particle size is VERY important.
As recommended by four out of five cooks.

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