Friday, February 04, 2011

GRELZAKIAN TOAD CULT

For several years, whenever some religious dingbat demanded to know what creed I confessed, I would assert that I was a member of the Grelzakian Toad Cult. It usually threw them for a loop.
Had I said Jewish, I would’ve been firmly requested to either stop killing Christ, or find Jezus as my personal friend dammit blasted heathen burn in hell. Or something.

[Besides, I never converted. So I can't really claim that cloak.]

If I admitted that the number of free-range Calvinists in the family woodpile precluded any other deviant Christic sects as a matter of clan pride, and darnwell guaranteed theological dissent in every generation – especially against all other versions of the magic zombie shtuss - I would’ve sowed more angry confusion among my listeners than Bill O’Reilly and Sarah Palin combined.

[Many not of the rigid Dutch faith cannot understand the pickiness inherent therein - most English-speaking protestants are simple people incapable of grasping nuance. It's sad.]

Verbally embracing skepticism as a rock of faith to which to cleave, with a tendency toward Talmud-Torah, and a habit of sneering unpleasantly at the entire New Testament as the moronic gibbering of Mediterranean maniacs and dress-wearing men – plus Documentary Hypothesis, the Book of J, and Jacob Neusner – no, that didn’t seem called for.
People who demand to know a person’s religion usually simply want to attack something close to the breast.

A simple answer that confuses them and shuts them up is required.


GRELZAKIAN TOAD CULT!

Oddly, this puts me on the same page as a huge number of Scandinavians and Baltic types. As well as some Japanese people, and a human duck.
All of whom take Bayonne, New Jersey, as their Vatican.
Which is believed to be the home of ultimate Grace.

[Mister Bud Grace, that is. The supremely wise and talented artist who draws the comic strip Ernie, called ‘Piranha Club’ since 1998.]

The Grelzakian Toad Cult is the religion that Zerblat the frog-alien practices. We know this from the episode when he married the beautiful human female who subsequently gave birth to hundreds of frog-human polliwogs. Apparently frog-aliens are fantabulous lovers. We don't know the details of their amplexus with other species (such as humans), but we can pretty well imagine it (because we have dirty minds).

Data about the Grelzakian Toad Cult, especially as it exists among Terran adherents, is also unknown.
It involves amphibians.
Like with all cults, there is secrecy.
Bite the frog.


THE OMNISCIENT BUD GRACE

You'll have to ask Bud Grace if you want more information.
We don't know, only Bud knows.

To help you hunt him down, here's a recent picture.

Please note: his skin is distinctly green.

Feel free to blame mr. Grace for ANY Grelzakian plots to take over the world.
About which we know nothing.

Ribbit.




[No blerfniks were harmed in the writting of this post.]


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