Tuesday, February 23, 2010

ANTISOCIAL AND DISCRIMINATING

It is raining today. Which, if you are a normal person, means that you will get wet. If on the other hand you are a non-smoker you will be inside breathing stale recycled air and fervently wishing that your coworkers had never discovered beans. Or lentils. And cruciferous vegetables.
Oh the joys of a healthy life.


WEAK LUNGS

I just finished reading an article by some insufferable Bunt who avers that smokers deliberately discriminate against people with weak lungs. Nothing could be further from the truth!
We do not discriminate, we merely wish them ill. They should choke a bit. Or be brutally whacked by a benevolent deity - in His Mercy.
Weak-lunged people have NO business being outside on the sidewalk, or even in a public place. Ever! They should stay at home and crochet. Near the humidifier.
We consider the weak-lunged to be mendacious, and deliberately provocative.


WHEEZING WUSSIES

Asthmatics are another category of monumental pain in the gand. Horrid sadists and whiners. Stuck up, and 'special'. And yes, all you people who object to the smell of tobacco need to get a life. Stop bellyaching. You already reek of gasoline fumes, regular inner-city funk and filth, and, because you stay indoors (when we are outside), stale recycled air. Plus beans and lentils. Or cruciferous vegetables.
Faugh!

If you sanctimonious do-gooders and puritanical health-nuts absolutely NEED a smoke-free environment in order to feel fulfilled and complete, go to a bar. Please drink as much as you want. It's your liver.
I'm sure you're all so full of beans due to healthy living that you won't even mind the drunken fights, loud and stupid arguments, or the inevitable alcohol-fueled unsafe sex that follows your night out. Why, you will positively enjoy all that - it does NOT involve tobacco!

Feel free to spend every night drinking yourself into a stupor in your fresh-smelling dives, then jumping into the sack with the sodden trollops of either gender who look good to your gin-bleared eyes at closing time.
Puke and have loud disputations on the street after you leave your smoke-free drinking holes.

Please engage in drunk-driving, too.

We smokers won't mind.
Most of us are very tolerant.
That's why we shan't be in the bars when you misbehave.
Besides, we will be asleep at that time; we believe in clean habits, and we seldom drink in public.

1 comment:

DEATH BY NOODLES said...

Explain the labels 'Penguins' and 'Underwear'.

You are a penguin who is standing out in the rain wearing underwear?
You have smoking penguins IN your underwear?

Either assertion would massively contradict the 'clean habits seldom drinking' crap.

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