Actually, I don't. There are very many white people I am incredibly fond of. People like myself. And I kind of like most white people anyway.
[And no, I'm glad that I am not Chinese. Being New Amsterdam Anglo-Dutch American is a rich a rewearding smorgasbord of heritaginous yummy. We've got clogs!]
There are, however, three types of white folks who do not get my consideration. Because they suck.
'Dudes' visiting Chinatown.
People who write Yelp reviews.
Law-office types from the Embarcadero.
Oh, and also most Republicans, many Christians, and the entire friggin' state of Texas. But that goes without saying. Feeling physically repulsed by these types to the point of wanting to whip out a chainsaw and pull a Charlie Manson on their skunk-asses is, in fact, perfectly normal.
Everyone I freely associate with has similar reactions.
That's why we keep work and social life separate.
"Oh hi Rick, very surprised to see you; Matilda, this is Rick, he.... wait, don't kill him dammit!"
Too many witnesses.
Rick lives across the Golden Gate in Marin. I seldom go there socially. For obvious reasons. Imagine an entire county filled for the most part with entitled shmucks. My friends there are very charitable, they haven't put machine gun emplacements at the corners of their property.
Well, most of them.
Some.
[Source: Wikipedia and Bundesarchiv Bild 101I-291-1213-34, Dieppe, Landungsversuch, deutsche MG-Stellung.jpg.]
But the three types I singled out above (visiting 'dudes', yelpers, and law drones), are a particular type of pest the presence of which does much to diminish the quality of life in San Francisco, and whose speedy eradication might finally make this place redeemable after all.
No one has much use for them. They're lousy compost.
And if they go missing, no one will ever call the number on the flyer posted on the telephone pole except to confirm that they still haven't been found, and gloat.
'Dudes' visiting Chinatown.
Okay. Overturning garbage cans and banging on the metal shop gates makes you feel more like a man. Oh, such fun, oh, such hi-jinks, oh your creative zaniness! It's twelve o'clock at night. Some of the locals would like to shoot you. And if they ever do, just remember that this is Chinatown. Every one looks the same. Right?
You won't be able to tell who it is.
Neither will your buddies.
There was a street sign lying on the pavement in one of the alleys. It had come from around the corner. Care to guess which ethnic group decided to rip it out and dump it nearly a block away?
Not the Chinese; they ain't stupid.
Not the African Americans; they know that a trigger happy cop could pass by at any moment.
Yes, that's right; stupid twenty-something white guys, who know that no one ever shoots them when they're doing something egregiously dumbass, and consequently feel entitled to act like morons.
Especially when drinking with their friends.
People who write Yelp reviews.
Get off your high-horses. You paid six dollars for that meal, you didn't leave a tip, you raised your voice at the staff, and now you're on the internet slagging the food and ambiance. What gives you that right? Did you actually pay a decent price? Leave a reasonable tip? Or did you waltz your arrogant white ass into the place and start making demands while sneering and laughing at the same time?
Look, dilwad, stop pretending that you know 'F' all about food -- you yourself can't cook worth a damn and mess up teevee dinners in the microwave -- but just because someone is giving you more money than you are worth for being a hip young white person you think you're entitled to drag down someone else's business.
You are not Thai. You are not Indian. You are not Chinese. You are not Mexican. And in consequence, you are offensively ignorant about nearly everything ethnic that you eat, your expectations are riculously un-realistic, and your bloated sense of self-worth and entitlement is responsible for ninety percent of all the misery in the world.
Kindly shut yer hole, suck it up, and shog off.
Thank you, come again.
Law-office types from the Embarcadero.
You folks are not worthy. Especially when you are on the Number One California heading up Sacramento Street and acting resentful because the Chinese folks at Kearny, Grant, and Stockton ALSO want to get on. You probably spent all day on your fat bottom; they just got off work, and came here to pick up their kids and the fixings for dinner. No, they are not being selfish by trying to get on the bus that hordes of you are already riding in; they also must get home. They need to cook dinner -- you are just going to head out and have Thai or Mexican with the idiot that married you, then go back home to feed the Chihuahua and watch The Vulgar Twats of Orange County -- and they actually worked all day, so they are considerably more tired than you are. No pretense. They didn't yack on the phone or surf the internet during that time.
Yes, they would get off the steps so that the rear door can close. IF some of you fatasses moved further in. Go on, there's plenty of room. Instead, y'all just stand there, obdurate expressions on your faces, stolidly resentful of the fact that 'those people' are trying to get on.
Why can't they wait for the next bus, dammit?
Well, the previous two or three buses roared right on past these stops, because they were already filled with unpleasant law-office types like yourfatselves by Battery Street. Yes, there was room in the back of each of them. But hell will freeze over before you inconsiderate lizards will move. Once you've pulled out your cell-phones and started checking your text messages, you don't see or hear anything that might make you less the centre of the universe.
The bus only stopped here because some auntie got heart palpitations or had trouble breathing, and pulled the cord.
Oh yeah, you also occupied the seats up front for the old people and physically impaired passengers. But that's okay, they're only Chinese. They won't complain.
You're white, so you deserve it.
If any of the Chinese do get on, you'll kick one of their children, "accidentally". Because you "just didn't see them".
They're small, and won't say anything.
Even if they do, who cares?
BTW: I take the Number One California several times a week, usually heading back over the hill in late afternoon. It irritates me when I see the behaviour I have described above, which is almost every time. I have a sore leg and I'm middle-aged, but I always stand for senior citizens.
Please imagine what I think of some of the other passengers as we cross Nob Hill. My right leg is throbbing like nobody's business at that point, and I seriously want to damage several of the folks sitting nearby.
Why are all of you arrogant dills letting the side down?
Don't you have any self-respect? Any pride?
Or did your parents teach you badly?
You don't understand, do you?
You are not worthy.
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1 comment:
Boffo! Law-office lizards!
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