PALEO DIET - A LOAD OF CODSWALLOP

According to some food "experts", humans are best suited to eating nuts, fruits, roots, and huge scads of nearly raw protein. They assert that grain products, dairy, and coffee, as well as highly refined white sugar, are the root cause of all the ailments that plague modern man.

To a very limited extent, I agree. American bread is by and large a horrifying composite of no food value whatsoever, somewhere in between sponge and cotton wool. As is the most popular dairy product in the U.S., that being factory cheese. And the less said about traditional American coffee and its bastard descendant at Starbucks, the better.


In the first four or five years after returning to the States -- I lived from my second to my eighteenth year in northern Europe -- discovering what the locals here considered normal bread, cheese, and coffee was an unending source of shock, horror, disdain, and loathing. Mostly loathing.
At that time, Berkeley was still horribly Midwestern.
Now it's just very Puritan about everything.

Fortunately I no longer live there.

Things have changed.

Sourdough is real bread, and there are many other good baked goods available in San Francisco. California cheese kicks butt. Both Peet's and the Caffe Trieste are bright spots in a howling wilderness of ghastly.

There's also Chinatown, and the Italian neighborhood, so good prepared food can indeed be had, despite the propensity of most people to scarf down tasteless garbage covered in ketchup.

And sweet 'n sour sauce. Y'all LOVE sweet 'n sour sauce.

From the moment I realized the culinary-predicament I was in upon my return, I have been fascinated by cooking, which has meant that in addition to being able to abstain from eating the weird stuff that so many Americans devour (just think about grilled cheese sandwiches made with wet packing material and compressed yellow sheets of fatty factory exudate, or "tuna and canned green bean casserole"), I could entertain myself.
While shocking concerned friends.
Tasty! And good!


The Paleo diet posits that we should NOT eat good food.
Instead, we should all eat fruits and nuts.
High-fibre, too. For our guts.

Paleo poo is good poo.


The premise of the Paleo Diet, as with most ridiculous modern food fads, founders on the omnivorousity and food-flexibility of man. As well as the fact that our ancestors, for several thousands of years, were sex-obsessed stunted little in-bred trolls, constantly bedevilled by parasites, chronic malnutrition, and filthy ailments in their groins.

[For more about ridiculous diets, see here: Best Diets Overall.]

They ate whatever they could steal from other humans, in between long bouts of unimaginably horrid sexual profligacy.

We are no longer quite that. Our food sources are infinitely better and more interesting. We're still substantially perverts, but we now have football and flexible rubber devices; sex has been substantially "solved".
And much as I like randy-nasty, this post is not about that.
Nor is it an argument in favour of vegetarianism.
There's nothing better than a nice roast.
Meat is good. Hot juicy meat.
Add some Béarnaise.
Lubricant!

In addition to having superlative dairy and vegetables, and many perfectly acceptable breads, California also has a sufficiency of morons and self-obsessed and badly-informed nutballs convinced that organic is best, tofu is god, gluten is a satanic plot by the big-pharma to make us all obedient slaves, and that the government and the food-industry are out to get each of them specifically. The amount of drivel spewed by many perfectly "normal" middle-class people convinces me that the only thing really wrong with the American diet is that it gives idiots energy and keeps them alive.
Which seems a senseless endeavor.

Quite frankly, what you lot in the rest of the country (Marin, Berkeley, etcetera) eat is downright appalling. Instead of reading crackpot diet books and listening to Doctor Oz or the Food Babe, try exploring the Larousse Gastronomique and a selection of fun cookbooks.


Stop being such a bunch of prissy poo-obsessed nineteenth century protestants!

And please, don't talk about your colons.


Better yet, cover a vat of tofu with bacon and ketchup, OR nuts and dried fruits, and stick your silly faces right down into it.
Till your heads explode.

That will allow the rest of us to take over the space that y'all so selfishly occupy, expand our possibilities, and diminish the competition for real bread, real cheese, real coffee, and, of course, Sriracha Hotsauce.


End the take-over groceries and restaurants with horse manure.



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Yeah, I woke up grumpy this morning. I am middle-aged, stubborn, and haven't a wife, children, or even a girlfriend. A solitary man, with only Béarnaise sauce and Sriracha to comfort me.
I've only had coffee for breakfast.
Why do you ask?



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