MALE AND FEMALE LINGUISTICS

It struck me the other day that men and women do not communicate very well. And that's largely because though we may speak the same language, we mean different things. A woman, for instance, will say "oh that purse is just darling", by which she means "surely you remember that my birthday is coming up soon". The man will think "what the hell, it looks stupid, I hope that it cost less than fifty bucks, I'll surprise her some time".
And: "did she have a birthday yet...., how old is she?!?"
Poor fool, it does NOT cost less than fifty bucks.
More like the price of a box of cigars.
Or ten boxes of cigars.
Padrons.

A woman will also exclaim "oh isn't she just precious" about another woman. Unlike her previous positive and loaded remark about the dreadful purse, what she really is saying is "good lord, she's dumb as a brick, please keep her the hell away from me".
The man, taking his good lady's words literally, proceeds to invite the dingbat to their dinner parties for the next ten years.
Because she's a precious person, and sisterhood is powerful.
His wife has so few truly precious friends.
He just wants her to be happy.

*      *      *      *      *

Shortly after the adorable little Asian American cigar aficionada came in with a male companion -- she bought several lovely sticks of excellent provenance, Nicaraguans, so I guess she's dumped the nimnoo she was seeing who believed cigars were unladylike -- three blondes waltzed in.
Unlike the aficionada, they were as near to braindead as I can tell.
Synapses exceedingly rare, scattered, and entirely off-target.
They spoke women-speak, like, darling!
Totally ding effing bat.
It was a trial.


For the benefit of my fellow men, here are some key phrases that may be utilized by women, with translations into normal speech. Like with all peculiar foreign languages, there's a nuanced approach, and different possibilities to take into account when construing.
More so if blonde and bourgeois.
Especially suburban.


"You can smoke cigars on the back porch, I don't mind."

Meaning A: We're probably going to get divorced within the year.
Meaning B: My mother is SO coming to stay with us.
Meaning C: You will never live this down.
Meaning D: Buy me that handbag.
Meaning E: We aren't going to have sex anytime this month.

"Oh I just love the smell of a good cigar!"

Meaning A: It keeps all other women away from you.
Meaning B: You smell like a rubbish dump.
Meaning C: Mom was right about you.
Meaning D: Can't stand it; handbag.
Meaning E: No sex this year.

"You can have the lads over for sports and pizza."

Meaning A: Their behaviour is a great source of material for my book.
Meaning B: The basement needs to be cleaned up soon.
Meaning C: I'm putting you on a diet, lardo.
Meaning D: An expensive handbag.
Meaning E: What makes you think we're ever having kids?

"Pipes are SO manly! You remind me of my dad!"

Meaning A: Me date YOU?!? You're off your nut! But seriously!
Meaning B: It's been twenty years but I still have nightmares.
Meaning C: Drooling and leaking. Do you do that too?
Meaning D: When was the last time you bathed?
Meaning E: You will NEVER have sex!

"A man with a pipe looks very intellectual!"

Meaning A: You look like a dried-up old lizard.
Meaning B: Damnation, you're a boring prick.
Meaning C: I'm not listening at all right now.
Meaning D: I know how to spell "ennui".
Meaning E: You have NO sex-appeal.


Obviously, not all women are like this. Some of them are much more like the lovely feminine cigar aficionada, who backslid so splendidly after avoiding cigars for several months last year. Thank heavens that period of her life is over. She really doesn't need some prissy noodge telling her to act more ladylike and abstain from cheroots.
Who the buggery heck does that ridiculous busybody think he is?
She's strongminded and has excellent taste in tobacco.
What a waste to let that go to waste.

Plus we understand clearly what she says when she talks, no interpretation is needed.

She speaks like us. She's a genius.

Welcome back, Suzie.

We missed you.




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