PROBLEMS SOLVED WITH HELPFUL COUNSEL!

This blogger (moi!) is in receipt of a plaintive query! A shmendrick seeks advice, and far be it from me to not channel for my inner self-help guru at the slightest opportunity! I am full of excellent suggestions and heart-felt good words, oh boy!

Just think of me as the Dear Abby of underwear.


My correspondent writes: "I have been following a Cantonese girl for days now, but she keeps ignoring me. And I've tried everything.
How do I get into her panties?"

Answer: Try being a gentleman. Women find that attractive.


It's a quick and glib response, and it might not get him what he desires.
But somehow I feel that it's the best approach. Judging from both his stalker-behaviour and her sneering at him, I suspect that rather than discovering that a creep is sharing her underwear, what she would really like is to surprise him in a dark alley with a two-by-four and club him to death like a harp seal.

If I were a Cantonese girl, that's what I would want to do.

Are there rusty nails at the end of the 2 by 4?

If not, there really should be.



This query was underneath a post from a long time ago. Pursuant pastry-shopping in Chinatown, I had spoken well of an individual involved in the merchandising of baked goods. One of my own fond fantasies involves the concept of a female person handing me a cup of hot Hong Kong style milk-tea and a flaky turnover filled with barbecue pork in exchange for money, and then ignoring me while I pensively munch and slurp.
If there is a window out of which I can gaze, so much the better.
Two napkins, please. One of them is for my glasses.
Spectacles collect smoot, unfortunately.



DEFINITION OF TERMS

Following: Verb; being behind or after, either in a state of mobility, or, in an internet context, having clicked a suitable 'button' on screen. Within the parameters of this querent's message, it probably refers to stalking, harassing, inconveniencing, and generally being a pest. Either a baseball bat or legal measures are recommended. A can of mace or roach-spray might also be a good idea.
Cantonese: Adjective; descriptive of a person, thing, or state of being which has as its defining condition an origin or characteristic related to either a metropolis or region in the south of China.
Girl: Noun; female person of any age, if used favourably, but in the narrow sense as it applies to dating, strictly someone who is legally old enough to purchase tobacco and can still be addressed as 'miss'.
Panties: Noun; nether garment.

Chinatown: Regionymic; a residential and commercial area of San Francisco bounded geographically by California Street, Mason Street, Vallejo, and Kearny. There are more Caucasian internet-startup yuppies living there than there used to be. Fortunately they haven't chased away the purveyors of Hong Kong style milk-tea and delicious pastries.
Hong Kong style milk-tea: Noun; a comforting boldly flavoured beverage constructed of black tea and condensed milk which was invented in Hong Kong.
Flaky turnover: Noun, bakery term; mille-feuille wrapped around a scrumptious filling.
Barbecue pork: Noun (culinary); scrumptious filling.


I truly hope that this was helpful.
Let me know.



AFTER WORD

Comments placed underneath posts which involve certain anatomical descriptives, repulsive obscenity, and links to products and services that I neither want nor need (such as medications including but not limited to 2-[(Dimethylamino)methyl]-1-(3-methoxyphenyl)cyclohexanol, 1-[4-ethoxy-3-(6,7-dihydro-1-methyl-7-oxo-3-propyl-1H-pyrazolo[4,3-d]pyrimidin-5-yl) phenylsulfonyl]-4-methylpiperazine, pornography sites, roofing companies, and diet aids), as well as designer shmattot, trinkets, and chotch, will not published.

My readers do not require any substance which binds to the mu opioid receptor and inhibits the re-uptake of serotonin and norepinephrine.

At least, I think they don't.




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