At the back of the hill

Warning: If you stay here long enough you will gain weight! Grazing here strongly suggests that you are either omnivorous, or a glutton. And you might like cheese-doodles.
BTW: I'm presently searching for another person who likes cheese-doodles.
Please form a caseophilic line to the right. Thank you.

Saturday, July 26, 2014


There are many reasons why no sane man should consider relocating to this city, not least being the amoral and violent hipsters, unstable street people (indistinguishable from real-estate moguls), and the sad fact that having had chicken pox does not safeguard you from the French pox.
All in all, I am baffled at the hordes of computer programmers, poets, and Oregonians who stumble around Polk Street and the south of Market clubs at all hours.

What is it with you people?

Don't you have some parents to abuse?

Go home. Please please please PLEASE go home!

And for crap's sakes, don't eat our food. There isn't enough.





Yeah, I suppose that San Francisco is cooler than New York. But that isn't saying much. That's like being ranked better than Vladivostok and Dhaka. Scant contest, and little comfort. We're really unpleasant people, and once we find out you're from back east we will drug you and harvest your organs. My god, our pizza is vile! Not deep dish at all!

Even if you survive the first year, you still won't belong.

By that time you will have lost weight, acquired a heroine addiction, and been brutalized on the sticky tile floor of an expensive restaurant by a waiter you forgot to tip.
Your best friend from college will have visited for six straight weeks, and brought home suburban floozies and six packs of malt liquor every night, plus given you the French Pox.
The cat will be eaten by a hyena that took up residence under the sink, you'll have a family of refugees from Detroit living in the hall closet, and your boyfriend has gone all Vegan on your ass.

And then we'll harvest your organs.


No, realistically; that internet start-up that offered you a job ain't gonna pay you nearly enough, you'll be no closer to paying off your student loan, your credit cards will be maxed out, and without warning you may be out of a job. In one of the most expensive cities in the universe.
Where we hate you.

And you will discover that your landlord hates you too.

As well as the dude whose parking space you stole.

Plus local street people with vicious tendencies.

A number of diseases are endemic to the Bay Area, many of which are disfiguring. Medicine-resistant tuberculosis is common on buses, and acne medications are usually fake, besides costing an arm and a leg.

If Ebola or Marburg ever catch hold in the United States, it will happen here first; we're the probable port of first entry.

Malaria rages uncontrollably in the Richmond and Sunset Districts.

California ranks consistently high in venereal disease.

[Fun facts about the French Pox and other STDs, for the still-not convinced: STATISTICS ON SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED INFECTIONS.]

We don't need anymore Cis-Sierran carpetbaggers.

You can vote Democrat elsewhere.

You are not needed.

NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.


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