Both the headsheep and the one legged monkey insist that they need the credit card ("plasticky thing") in my wallet. The intent is to phone in an order, for immediate delivery. The monkey wishes to purchase a banana plantation on which he will let his obedient white pickaninnies toil in the hot sun, the headsheep needs a parade and a whole bunch of grass suckies.
Good thing neither one of them has leverage.
A telephone requires moveable digits.
And they are stuffed animals.
As I mentioned.
The same logistical problems exist when they steal the ladle from each other and try to commit mayhem. Far too often I wake up to find one of them grunting because of the weight. They have no leverage. And it is bigger than they are. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.
What with being mostly cotton wool.
Or something in that vein.
The other day the weird green flippery guy was over in my apartment mate's room, fondling a glittery thing. Which was in her jewelry box. She nearly flipped a lid, and threatened to murder him when she came home and caught him red handed in her bling. Green handed. He's a cross between a frog, a toad, and a ball of silky plush, so he's green.
The aura of menace nearly floored him.
He has been hiding out ever since.
With all the other criminals.
Fuzzy miscreants.
On my side.
In all honesty, I don't mind the furballs. One of the Totoro dolls was happily grinning and singing that he liked bikini time the other day. "I like bikini time, I like biniki time, I really really like bikini time, itsy bitsy witsy titsy zippity nickity lickity bikini time!" At first I thought it was his subtle and snarky comment on global warning, but when I asked him, it turned out that he particularly liked bikini time because everyone else would show goose-bumps and pimples, whereas he's quite covered with fur.
Can't see either of those things on him.
He looks GOOD in swimwear.
Gender bent & rotund.
But dashing.
As I said, the furballs are getting out of hand. I am surrounded by small insane entities. They are brazenly batty anarchists, and I need help keeping them in line. Which is why I am now taking applications for 'stuffed animal control officers'. Please forward your curriculum vitae and contact data by utilizing the handy clickable-link letterbox below.
No Viagra or Cialis spam, please.
Experience is not necessary.
Refreshment will be provided.
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NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
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2 comments:
Will work for tobacco?
Now that is a wonderful concept.
As you may know, I have a huge stockpile. Everything from matured Virginias through full English. And I'd be willing to share.
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