PASSION, READING, AND COOKIES!

As some of you are aware, this blogger joined OK Cupid a while back. Many years ago, when I signed up on a dating site as Borat Sagdaiev, the results were stellar. Every week someone new deeply desired to meet an ultra butch and sweatily masculine demon lover. I never responded to any of them, of course, because it had been meant as a joke, and at the time I was in a relationship which I hoped would last forever. No doubt they've all found the Kazakh husband of their dreams by now.
When I signed up for OK Cupid, I did not have any expectation that much would come of it, as I realized that Borat was in all ways a more exciting person than I could ever be.
Even if entirely fictional.
Mmmm, mankini!

Recently I browsed through profiles.

Nobody on OK Cupid is even remotely interesting.

They've all written the same boring inoffensive bland stuff.


I have too, but we're not talking about me.


Everybody on OK Cupid is a keen traveler who loves food and movies or music, cares deeply about her job, friends, and family, and has or doesn't have a dog and a cat. They're committed, loyal, and are fascinated by different cultures, languages, and hanging out on Friday night with co-workers, homies, and fellow members of the choral society.
Or watching teevee with someone special.
Some of them drink (socially), smoke (never), and have one coy little secret that they are embarrassed to share with everyone on OK Cupid (which they do). OMG.

They like (or don't) Chinese food, Thai food, Korean food, Italian food, French food, Japanese food, Vegetarian muck, Vietnamese noodle soup, and anything ethnic. Including Mexican. Or not.

Some of them have jobs they hate. Some of them just love their work.
A number of them are thinking of going back to school. Either before they ever have kids, or after the grandchildren move out.

Quite a few are spiritual, funny, and creative.
Many of them have favourite teams.
And a number love to laugh.

They are ALL undoubtedly nice likable people, and very unremarkable.
This is uninspiring! There is not a single one whose profile is actually compelling enough that I would ever want to meet them (other than perhaps the tattooed Slavic single mother with a dog).

Or the bespectacled person committing a very proper act with a large stuffed Totoro doll, but I'm not sure she really exists.


4. 3. 5. 1. 2. 6.

So I've taken it upon myself to write some imaginary profiles that show possibly intriguing aspects of single women. Different personalities, with far more interesting details than ninety nine out of ten people on OK Cupid. But I'll simply name them all "Somethingsaurus", because you wouldn't believe how many woman are something plus saurus.
Snackasaurus, Laughasaurus, Joggasaurus, Teddybearosaurus.
PhdSuperSignificantIntellectualYogasaurus.
HelloKitty&Candysaurus.


SOMETHINGSAURUS No. 1.
"I'll do nearly anything for sushi! Including unspeakable acts and watching your damned Forty Niners, even though I absolutely HATE football. Though if you force me, it will cost you A LOT of fish!
All I want is a neatly dressed recently bathed man who can sit at the sushi counter with me while I stuff my face, who won't say "I'll simply have some of yours". Get your own. And on second thought, screw the Niners.
Let's eat."

SOMETHINGSAURUS No. 2.
"We shall galumph over the hills and wastelands of San Francisco, howling at the moon! We are the wolves of inner-city decay, we are the rampaging beasts of suburban nightmare. Let us chivy tourists and snap at their heels. Then let us passionately undulate and wriggle like sex-starved weasels, if the time seems opportune for that kind of stuff.
And if it's not too beastly cold."

SOMETHINGSAURUS No. 3.
"F*ck travelling together to exotic lands. Let's read books instead. We'd do that in the air-conditioned hotel room in Buenos Aires anyway, might as well do exactly the same thing here. You quietly in your corner, and I in mine.
Then, innocently, we will snake out our legs, and twiddle and interlock naked toes."

SOMETHINGSAURUS No. 4.
"Help me mind this horrid cat. And bring over some fresh apples.
You get the lumpy chair. Thank you."

SOMETHINGSAURUS No. 5.
"Are your habits eccentric enough to appall my parents? Mom's a spiritual vegetarian, my dad is wishy-washy, politically correct, and grows his own wheatgrass. Both of them hate smoking, liquor, burgers, and caffeinated beverages. Pick me up for a date wearing a fur coat and smoking a cigar, and give me an extra tall double latte instead of flowers. We'll have the bestest time! No weirdoes, please."

SOMETHINGSAURUS No. 6.
"Morose antisocial person wishes to be left alone. Can you do that?
And can you also leave a bowl of soup outside my bedroom door?
I probably wouldn't mind exploiting your body until you fall asleep once in a blue moon, provided you don't bring up angst, existentialism, religion, or your job, while we have post-coitus cigarettes afterwards. I really don't want to hear about your job and your aspirations. Or butterflies. I hate butterflies.
Sometimes I'm affectionate."


Personally, I feel that these profiles are more honest and realistic than anything on the dating sites of the world. Not necessarily alluring and inviting, but never the less infinitely more enchanting than any amount of poofle on OK Cupid. These are women with whom one could easily get along, and if after hot beverages and bund cake down at the coffee shop nothing further happened, one might still be friends, and say something like "let's go eat" occasionally.


The first two impress as delightfully wicked, numbers three and four sound both practical-minded and extremely charming, and five and six are possibly dangerous, in an innocent girlish sort of way.

If I saw any of these profiles, I would definitely write.
And then hope that something good came of it.
I could even put up with the horrid cat.
Or the appalling parents.



==========================================================================
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
LETTER BOX.
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.
==========================================================================