YOU'VE GOT IT EXACTLY THE WRONG WAY AROUND!

Polk Street in San Francisco is your alternative universe. There are people on the street with both feet firmly planted elsewhere. Normal residents of the city know this, and will take pains to avoid conversations while there. Even with friends. If the space aliens hear you talking, they may join in.
Which is something you will soon regret.

I kept my eyes to myself, but almost got caught anyway.
He screamed in my direction, but I ignored him.
Quickened my pace and got out of there.


BOY, HEY BOY! WHERE WOULD YOU BE WITHOUT A SPOON! YOU TELL ME THAT, BOY, WHERE WOULD YA BE WITHOUT A SPOON? NOWHERE, IS WHAT. NOTHING, YOU WOULD BE NOTHING WITHOUT A G*DDAMNED SPOON!


He himself seemed proof of his thesis. This was not a discussion that appealed to me, however. Much as in his case I would have agreed.
He clearly seemed to be missing, for starters, a spoon.


There are a few things that make life a lot better. Coffee, tea, tobacco, and highly refined sugar. Without these, life on this planet would be colder and nastier, and the presence of spoons could not make up for the lack.
Yes, Starbucks would also be missing -- without coffee, tea, and highly refined sugar, the internet and modern twenty-somethings probably would not exist, and so there would be no need for Starbucks -- but that just isn't enough to make the absence of a delicious warm beverage bearable.

The only thing left would be tobacco.
Without a hot cup of tea, what's the point?

It would be precisely like life in the Soviet Union.
Sure, they had spoons. But what did they use them for?

Coffee, tea, tobacco, and highly refined white sugar. Add animal protein, and you've got the basis for a perfect date.
Romance is possible, even probable.
A choice of spoons is not necessary for this eventuality. Nice to have, but it doesn't contribute that much to a fun evening out.

No, I did not go back to share any of these insights with the man. Being seen talking with him no doubt would have made an extremely bad impression on any passing females, especially if they were grumpy due to a lack of coffee, tea, tobacco, or highly refined white sugar. Any one, or all, of the above.
As you know, I am still searching for precisely such a person.
Preferably one who has her own spoon.
And avoids Starbucks.



Coming soon: Valentine's Day blahs for the single man, OR how to happily avoid even thinking of the fairer sex when you've got plenty of coffee, tea, tobacco, and highly refined white sugar, plus a vast selection of Bourbon and Single Malt, such as might be the case if you intended to spend some time at the Occidental Cigar Club this evening while more attached individuals get robbed blind by SF restaurateurs.



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