MR. BADGER HAS A TANTRUM
It's a comfortable persona, as it allows me to disavow all-too-human characteristics. Normal humans do not swill tea, or smoke pipes.
This is the modern age, and homo erectus now consumes zero-fat high-energy-drinks, and only smokes pot, because it's therapeutic.
And, it is universally believed, marijuana is lovingly produced by sincere nature-children who are altruistically into green technology and sustainable agriculture.
As well as supporting the rain-forest.
Mr. Badger takes exception to that life-style.
And that idiotic point-of-view.
Zero-fat high-energy drinks induce berserk behaviour, and pot leads directly to madness. If you persist in either of those despicable habits you will become a scrawny whacked-out zombie with a spongy brain. Pot is the emerald road to ruin.
No, the badger does not accept the claim that pot is medicinal.
Get off your self-indulgent high horse.
Unlike tobacco, pot is grown by hardened criminals getting rich from the self-destructive delusional urges of the most cocked-up navel-gazing generation in this planet's history, and zero-fat high-energy drinks are little more than a legal form of speed with a smirking priggish feel-good overlay.
This badger gets hepped-up the old-fashioned way: oolong.
And uses pipe-fulls of tobacco to sharpen the mind.
Which is why on Friday and Saturday evenings he usually avoids the crowd of loud drunken partyers that flock along middle Polk Street. For one thing, they aren't his style and he has scant use for them, and for another, they perfectly epitomize everything wrong with America since trust-funds were invented.
They should be sitting at home with a good book and a hot cup of tea.
Perhaps Dickens, or Somerset Maugham, or Evelyn Waugh.
With a bit of Bach playing on the Victrola.
And also, a tin of very fine pipe tobacco on the little table to their immediate right, where the lamp and the ashtray are. Candidates for a jolly good smoke include 'Old Joe Kranz', 'Haunted Bookshop', 'Old Hollywood' (all three are Burley compounds from Cornell & Diehl); 'Best Brown Flake', 'Hall O'The Wynd', and 'Dunbar' (fine Virginias from various manufacturers); plus 'Westminster', 'Lagonda', 'Three Oaks', and 'Wilderness' (those being four stellar full-English, with sheer oodles of Oriental and Latakia).
That is what they SHOULD be doing. It's clean living, is what it is.
Beneficial to the mind, good for the soul. Healthy!
Instead of puking their spoiled rotten twenty-something guts out further down the block. Undoubtedly from too much zero-fat high-energy swill, medical grade ganja, and fruity drinks made with flavoured vodka.
My god, they're all blonde!
Mr. Badger is thoroughly disgusted.
* * * * * *
By the way, I have all the tobaccos I mentioned. They're pretty darn good.
Plus several teapots of various sizes. If you promise not to apall me with your sickening beverages, and have been pot-free for the past ten years, I'll be happy to let you in to sample them. Burley blends tend toward a musty old-fashioned flavour and must be merely puffed, Virginias are sweet on the tip of the tongue, somewhat floral at times, and have to be smoked slowly, sipped almost, and English blends (also called Balkan Mixtures) are full-bodied, zesty, tarry, and earthy. These last can be fumed at a more lively pace, and will likely leave your tweed coat or lady-like cardigan smelling profoundly autumnal.
Your parents or roommates might well wonder when you return whether unbeknownst to them you've been rolling around in a pile of fine leather.
If you're worried, I can probably get some Febreze.
There might even be a spot of sherry afterwards.
I've also got books, and a comfy place to sit.
Mr. Badger cares about your well-being.
NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.