In the interests of efficiency, here's the programme for the next thousand company meetings. Read it, learn it, and you'll NEVER have to attend one of them again.
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START: 10:00 AM.
VOICE OF A FAN: Read aloud a letter in which a customer says something that bolsters the point of view of the sales and marketing departments, and coyly suggests that we give them money/free product/emotional support/unconditional love/profitable employment.
Smile - it is charming and ego boosting - but in a good way! Marketing is using it in the promos for the convention in New York! Applause.
INTRO TALKIES: Our industry is suffering, but we're doing good. Not so good that y'all can be full of y'selves, but still good. Not great, but the Marketing Department bla bla bla kudos! Which is real special. Boo competition! Avoid hubris.
FURTHER: New York is gonna be great. Those of us who get to go will boast about it afterwards. The rest of you are losers. Neener neener neener. This message has been brought to you by the truly wonderful people in Marketing, all of whom are going to New York.
MISSION STATEMENT CHANGE: Major rewrites of our mission statement are actually insignificant, 'cause the experts/consultants/magazines support these changes, and it's the new paradigm. We're still the same peace-loving/green/socially involved/cause-oriented/responsible company we've always been, and please don't disagree. Big happy family! They love us in New York! Peace out.
SOMETHING INSPIRATIONAL: Our new non-recycleable design is actually award-winning, and warm and fuzzy. No, it's not green, but we still are. We've spent months talking about it, but we're planning to drop the term 'green' anyhow, with much heart-ache and after even more discussion. We're gonna replace it with "loving caring warmly mutually supportive total environmental degradation", or a vague and meaningless equivalent. Feel good.
FINANCIALS [Gidgett explains the financials]: "Bla bla bla low inventory thanks warehouse bla bla bla less than budgeted because of automobile industry/banks/mortgage crisis/unfair new regulations/the Europeans. Profit is both up and down. Um stutter stutter uh…….", and then with the charming smile of a certifiable half-wit: "We’re doing good, not great, um well, great anyhow, we're like good, but uh not THAT great, even though Sales/Marketing/New York/Industry award resounding success bla bla bla absolutely great." Super.
"Thank you Gidgett for explaining it so nicely, are there any questions?"
The junior marketing dunce poses a bright question about the financials. The CFO answers. Mirabile dictu. Everyone actively looks intelligent.
DEPT ROUNDUP: Sales says the world is great, Marketing bashfully admits that they made it so, and everybody else admits that they've been drunk for an entire month.
FINISH: "Rah rah boom-dee-yay! We're just GREAT! Yay! Thank you for asking!"
END: 11:20 AM
Go get 'em, tiger.
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THE AIR IS CRUNCHY!
Perhaps it's the weather. There were fewer people than normal about in Chinatown. The chachanteng where I went for lunch had four tables...
7 comments:
Clearly you are in the dilbert world - what character does that make you, ali?
Does the name 'Fuzz Bert' ring a bell?
Alfy and Aethy
Typical company meeting scenario:
The cc: list on the announcement memo names a representative from Sales, a person from Marketing, someone from Accounting, a person from Credit, one from Advertising, another from Engineering, one from Production, a representative from Legal, somebody from Quality Control and, of course, Personnel (often called HR). In short, each department gets called and sends one of their own to the meeting. At the meeting, only two people really need to be there: the one who called the meeting and the one he or she wants to talk to. Instead, 22 people sit around a huge table and somebody is there to take notes and write up the minutes of the meeting. Half a dozen writings are passed around and later placed in individual notebooks. It took memos to each attendee to get them there and each set aside two hours of needed time to show up. Management is given a report afterwards and they, also, file it away.
In short, over 150 hours of company time is spent on the meeting and the two persons who needed to talk to each other never quite communicated well enough, so that 30 days later, a follow-up meeting is held. Oh... those two people are typically in the same carpool.
Isn't corporate life grand?
Bob
I see you have been getting a heavy dose of political grandstanding, paralysis by analysis and statistics that are open for interpretation.
Remember there are lies, damn lies and statistics - Samuel Clemmons
Kevin
No meetings in my company.
Not even in the same room as.
---Prufrocke Glendorra
Not even in the same room as.Not surprised. Wide berth, eh?
Thanks, I'll never need to attend another meeting!
John
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