PACK CLEAN UNDIES

Unlike many other people, my genetic praedisposition to inadequate serotonin production is completely overcome by the three finest grits of microfibre wood-polishing pads. Which lead to a glow of satisfaction as well as a glossy mirror-like surface.

Yesterday, a Cantonese woman was shocked at the price of a fine quality briar. Somehow I think she feels different about certain other things. But to speculate what those might possibly be would open me up to charges of sexism.

Far be it from me to be a sexist.


There is nothing more delightfully feminine than a fine pipe, of an elegant shape that displays the grain properly and highlights the age and beauty of the burl. One of the best examples of that very thing is on display at a tobacco emporium not too far away. It was carved be a Japanese woman. An artist! A genius! And a consumate master of her craft!
As just one example of women's achievement.

What IS sexist, totally, is that almost NO men lust after the Birkin Bag. Why is that? It is the perfect size for carrying half a dozen smoking pipes, a tamper, a packet of cleaners, a tin or two of fine tobacco, as well as a polishing cloth for when you go all anal retentive on a long airplane flight from Paris to Ankara. Having finished your book.

It's stylish, too. Goes well with tweed.
Or grease-stained bluejeans.

If you're going to stay more than a few days (and why on earth would you do that?!?), you may need up to a dozen pipes as well as an extra tin. You'll get bored in Ankara, there's nothing to do there, no opera, and the shooting outside the city is frightful. A complete absence of ptarmigans, grouse, woodcocks, partridges, or pheasants.

You'll need that Birkin Bag then, boyo.


A ROTATION

New Dunhill pipes run upward of six or seven hundred dollars. Might even cost you well over a thousand. But with proper care and scrupulous avoidance of aromatic shite, they will serve you for decades. And your grandkids will be totally overjoyed when they inherit them. Sadly, Comoy and Charatan aren't what they were over a generation ago, but there are still several other manufacturers of excellent smoking equipment. So springing for a dozen or so Dunhill pipes isn't vital to your happiness. A few good Petersons (Irish), a Frenchman or two, and some lovely Italians, and you'll be well-equiped.

And absolutely look into Castellos. Yes, some of them are damned ugly, but they smoke like a dream. Find a reasonable looking one that you'll not hesitate to pull out of the rack and be seen smoking. Unfortunately John O. in Smyrna, Georgia, seems to have entirely cornered the market on those -- what I hear is that he huffs Royal Yacht Mixture in them -- but there must still be one or two around, so do not despair.
And good luck!


PS.: The reason why you should have several pipes is that you will need to rest them regularly. They need to dry out, and the complex chemicals deposited on the inside by combustion will need to break down, dissipate, evaporate. Pipes, like sweatsocks and underwear, perform better if they are cleaned and dried regularly.

What if you have an accident sometime and the emergency room staff over at the hospital are shocked by how perfectly horrid your pipe is?



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