IT MIGHT JUST BE INDIGESTION

Thanks to a fortuitous internet post about spring rolls, I now know what a laminectomy is in Chinese: 候椎板切除 ('hau cheui paan chit cheui'). Not, of course, that this will be of any use. The operation may be done to take pressure off back nerves.

It's happened a number of times now. I'll be quite happily enjoying my post-prandial pipe in Chinatown, when I see a medical emergency in which I am of no help whatsoever, due to both my lack of training and my inability to ask intelligent questions in Cantonese relevant to the situation. An old guy slides to the pavement, concerned bystanders call an ambulance, the aged fellow is loaded up and carted off. What happened?

Yeah, um, very sorry. Can't help.
Mijn Cantoneesch strekt niet.
A failure to communicate.

That said, given the haphazard medical vocabulary I possess in Cantonese (please don't ask about Dutch or Flemish, because I am actually quite ignorant about many ailments in those languages), we could have an interesting conversation while waiting for the emergency services and the wee-oo wagon to arrive.


敏性反應 ('man sing faan ying'): allergic reaction.
關節炎 ('gwaan jit yim'): arthritis.
香港腳 ('heung kong keuk'): athlete's foot.
驗血 ('yim huet'): blood tests.
心血管疾病 ('sam huet kun jat peng'): cardiovascular disease.
循環系統疾病 ('cheun waan hai tung jat peng'): circulatory disease.
感冒 ('gam mou'): common cold.
驚厥 ('geng kuet'): convulsion.
囊腫 ('nong jung'): cyst.
妄想症 ('mong seung jing'): delusions.
癲 ('din'): derangement; mentally ill.
糖尿病 ('tong niu peng'): diabetes.
暈 ('waan'): dizziness.
消化不良 ('siu faa pat leung'): dyspepsia.
癲癇 ('din haan'): epilepsy.
羊癲瘋 ('yeung din fung'): epileptic fits.
存在焦慮 ('chuen joi jiu loi'): existential angst.
昏倒 ('fan dou'): faint. 發昏 ('faat fan'): to faint.
發燒 ('faat siu'): fever.
屁 ('pei'): flatulence.
痛風病 ('tung fung peng'): gout.
心臟病發作 ('sam jong peng faat jok'): heart attack.
腹部衝擊 ('fuk pou jung gik'): Heimlich manoeuvre.
低血糖 ('dai huet tong'): hypoglycæmia, low blood sugar.
流感 ('lau gam'): influenza.
麻風病 ('maa fung beng'): leprosy.
瘧疾 ('yuek jat'): malaria.
孟乔森综合征 ('maang kiu sam jung hap jing'): Munchausen syndrome.
卵巢 ('leun chaau'): ovary.
骨盆檢查 ('gwat pun kim chaa'): pelvic exam.
血小板 ('huet siu paan'): platelets.
芝士肉汁薯條 ('ji si yiuk jap syu tiu'): poutine.
精神病 ('jing san peng'): psychosis.
放射病 ('fong yik peng'): radiation sickness.
雷诺氏综合征 ('leui nok si jung hap jing'): Rainaud's phenomenon.
病突發 ('peng tat faat'): seizure.
喉嚨痛 ('hou lung tung'): sore throat.
殫悶 ('daan mun'): swoon, pass out.
氣管痙攣 ('hei kun king luen'): tracheospasm.
腫瘤 ('jung lau'): tumour.
上呼吸道感染 ('seung fu gap dau gam yim'): upper respiratory tract infection.

In my most trustworthy voice, I will diagnose (診治 ' 'chan jing') the patient (病人 'peng yan') with Canadian junkfood and explain that this caused profound psychosis.


"Venerable sir, you ate poutine! That is why your athlete's foot attacked!"


It is a well-known fact that such things cause existential angst. Why, look at Alberta!
They haven't been the same since they discovered beef gravy.
Permanent existential dread is what.



When this happened a few years ago I was smoking the pipe pictured above. It is probably my most medical-expert looking briar, but very likely I think that because I associate it with that event. Perhaps I need a lab coat. For additional gravitas.



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