AND THEN THEY ALL HAD LUNCH!

Experiencing a Chinese funeral second-hand is educational. I had NO idea that people photographed like maniacs. Possibly to remember the wonderful time everyone had at what is, after all, a major family event. Possibly to figure out who all those people are. And very likely, the close-ups of the floral arrangements in order to remember who sent what.

Some people will boast about their experience with these things. Claiming to have attended hundreds of funerals, why heavens, they know all about it! They are experts!

Personally, I wouldn't puff about how many dead people I know. Collecting dead friends and relatives is not something I see much percentage in.


There's always at least one Auntie or Uncle who is NOT blood-kin, but who voluntarily guides and gently instructs the inexperienced in how to behave and navigate the event as smoothly as possible.

Along with women whom one has never even met who weep and wail in a heartbreaking fashion, loudly, and with zeal.

At least one family member is designated to keep company overnight with the decedent. Really, it should be more people, at least all the immediate kin ("children"), but who has time for all that?

Besides, it's better that the freak-out be kept at a minimum.

Then paper stuff is set on fire. Palatial mansions, expensive motorcars (especially ironic if the person never learned how to drive), and fancy possessions of all kinds. Attendees at the actual service and or interment are given an envelope with a piece of candy, a coin, and sometimes a handkerchief (for really theatrical events).
The candy is to leave a sweet aftertaste, the coin is a reward for your concern and input, as well as recompense for whatever effort you took to be there, and the handkerchief is a nice touch for wiping your teary eyes. Under NO circumstance should these things be brought home!
Enjoy them immediately upon leaving!

One of the aunties is sure to make some sniffing remark about cheap-ass candies and the consequent loss of face for all the family.

Conveniently, pall-bearers are assured that their service brings them blessings and good luck.

In the old days, the children were expected to wear mourning for three full years. That doesn't happen anymore. Some people stop before even the hundred days are up.

Trust me, black is NOT a suitable colour for everyone.


A funeral is NOT a suitable occasion for amateur matchmaking. If there are a number of unmarried people present, however, it may very well take place. Somebody is bound to look insanely HOT wearing somber hues.
And just look at that coffin! They're richer than Moses!
Two of those nice boys aren't married yet.
They're a catch; both of them.
Your choice which.
Act now.


The pastor will insist that the dead person had accepted Christ.
A snarky son or daughter will mutter "bullshit".
Worshipping a dead white zombie!
Whoever heard of that?!?
Crap, I say!

If you ask me, pastors, especially Presbyterian or Lutheran, should be kept away from funerals. Methodists or Southern Baptists are always good for a laugh, though, and Seventh Day Adventists are just plain bonkers.
Besides, none of your relatives knows the difference.
They're baffled by crazy white voodoo.
Clowns of the cloth.


As I mentioned, I wasn't there. So certain things may be dependent upon re-interpretation.



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