Wednesday, November 05, 2014


Judging by the popular posts recently, my readers are evenly distributed among tobacco fiends, food mavens, and sex-obsessed cretins of either gender. On second thought, that may just be me, seeing as they're only visiting here, but I'm the author of the articles that they found.
My material met their search criteria.

They found dim sum, pipe tobacco, and breasts. As well as a somewhat bitter essay I wrote several years back about how white people are regarded by the Cantonese: The White Devil.

If I had to pick three things I could not live without on a deserted island, it would almost certainly be nice Cantonese tea-house snackies, good leaf to stuff into my pipes, and breasts.
All three of these more or less imply the presence of other people, so it's actually a way of saying that I am a social being. Dim sum is best enjoyed with a group, pipe smoking is a very civilized habit, and breasts can be absolutely wonderful, but ONLY if they're someone else's.
And absolutely not if they're part of a man.

At least, not to me. I am a man.
I do not fondle my own chest.
It just wouldn't feel right.


The other day, underneath the recent breast article, someone suggested that I was "trying to appear non-sexist and sensitive", and failing at that attempt. Which was a bolt out of nowhere, as I consider myself a typical heterosexual breast-obsessed male, which almost by definition means sexist, and when not actually speaking to a person of the other gender, insensitive.

The problem is finding a breast-bearing person to whom one can speak. Most of my exchanges with the female of the species are commercial in nature. For instance: "I should like to have a flaky charsiu roll and some hot milk-tea." "Including tax, that comes to such-and-such an amount." "I am allergic to bananas, these are for my apartment mate."

Dim sum is within easy reach, and a not in-frequent indulgence, albeit alone. Pipe tobacco consumption is on a daily basis, and frequently prompts the comment that someone's father, grand uncle, favourite elderly eccentric, a long-dead college professor, or a relative from a past so distant it might as well be Moses and the Apostles or whatever ALSO smoked a pipe, and I remind the cretins of either gender of him. Gee thanks. I am flattered. You must have loved the cavemen.
Breasts have been entirely a non-occurrence for several years now.
But I will confess that I think about them on a daily basis.
As do most men, whether or not they have any.

Evenso, discussing mammaries with other men is, usually, an exercise in miscommunication. It turns out that everyone has such a vastly different conceptualization of the breast-gestalt that there's just not enough overlap for meaningful exchanges of opinion.

And that's before you even get to the nipples.
Worth an entire blogpost of their own.
[Or mentioning over pastries!]


The Wikipedia article about breasts is fascinating.

The morphologic variations in the size, shape, volume, tissue density, pectoral locale, and spacing of the breasts determine their natural shape, appearance, and configuration upon the chest of a woman; yet such features do not indicate its mammary-gland composition (fat-to-milk-gland ratio), nor the potential for nursing an infant child.
End quote.

That right there is priceless literature.
So evocative.

In the high-breast configuration, the dome-shaped and the cone-shaped breast is affixed to the chest at the base, and the weight is evenly distributed over the base area. In the low-breast configuration, a proportion of the breast weight is supported by the chest, against which rests the lower surface of the breast, thus is formed the inframammary fold (IMF). Because the base is deeply affixed to the chest, the weight of the breast is distributed over a greater area, and so reduces the weight-bearing strain upon the chest, shoulder, and back muscles that bear the weight of the bust.
End quote.

No wonder so many men go into architecture and engineering; profound structural issues that are illustrated in that passage! Weight distribution, spacing and support, angles of projection, buttressing, reinforced concrete, and insulation.

But what really boggles the mind is variance!

For about 5% to 10% (of) women, their breasts are severely different, with the left breast being larger in 62% of cases. This is due to the breast proximity to the heart and a greater number of arteries and veins, along with a protective layer of fat surrounding the heart located beneath it. Up to 25% of women experience notable breast asymmetry of at least one cup size difference.
End quote.

I did not know that.

That alone is worth the price of admission.

Further investigation is required.

I love science.

I would love to discuss this over dim sum, or while I am smoking a pipe afterwards. You will find me a sensitive (and sensible) interlocutor.

NOTE: Readers may contact me directly:
All correspondence will be kept in confidence.


captiously amphibious said...

Why would anybody, of any gender, need to know that you are allergic to bananas? Are you fantasizing that a comely cashier is going to take you to some secluded, sybaritic locale and lovingly feed you bananas, or plantains?

The back of the hill said...

If she did, I should lovingly eat them.

Envision this: "dating".

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